Posts Tagged With: Bob

76. First F.A.R.T. Patrol Planned – by Monty

Posted on April 19, 2016 by Mydogslife

We have planned our first F.A.R.T. patrol for Thursday night. Bob from the Council said he would be there as soon as he had finished the weekly shop; Dave from the Station said he would arrive early to go over the plans in detail, (this coincides with tea time), and Chicken and The Fairy said they were looking forward to it and are planning what to wear. Dave again mentioned the advantages of having F.A.R.T. jackets but I again mentioned that this was inappropriate. The only thing that will stop us now is any unexpected fireworks/noises and any sign of inclement weather. Bob and Dave also insisted that cake be served upon our return to the unit.

We had a short meeting to determine the finer points.

As this is a patrol and not just a walk, the plan was to split up into separate working groups. Chicken immediately stated her desire not to be separated from The Fairy, and Dave said he would form the third wing of their group. Bob then complained about being left with me. (I suspect he has less courage than I first thought, but I did not want to state this out loud in case I offended him.) Dave kindly said he would swap with Bob and form the lead party with me.

Chicken then said that she would miss me if we didn’t walk together, and reminded me of my promise to always protect her from Ugly Cat. I therefore determined that Chicken could join Dave and myself, and Bob and The Fairy would make up the second party. This was deemed unacceptable by Chicken, who once again reiterated her objection to being separated from The Fairy.

The plan was again updated to allow for Chicken and The Fairy to remain together, with me as protector. Bob and Dave therefore, would be on patrol as a pair. Dave raised concerns about one party having two large males in it whilst the other only had two dogs and one unfit female. I was about to argue against such outrageous statements when The Fairy beat me to it, and by the time she’d finished I didn’t think Dave needed any further information.

Bob then reminded us that there was safety in numbers, and Dave highlighted the fact that if Chicken, myself and The Fairy were together this would just be a normal walk. He said it was important to differentiate between a walk and a patrol which I had to agree with. I have therefore decided to join the two groups together to form one big working party. This has the added advantage of us being able to maintain radio silence.

Bob then complained that he had not signed up to the F.A.R.T. just to go on a big dog walk but Dave suggested that they both walk backwards at the rear of the party, in order to lend a more official air to the procedings. This proposal was accepted by all, and I was therefore able to finalise the plan, with the one amendment which allowed Bob to carry a red light.

Progress at last.

Monty The Great

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , ,

71. The Fracking Activity Reconnaissance Team – by Monty

Posted on April 9, 2016 by Mydogslife

Yesterday’s meeting went extremely well. Dave from the Station and Bob from the Council were both in attendance, which I was very pleased about. I had had a long conversation with PC Dave at the Station, who informed me that there was no independent, creditable evidence to suggest that any form of fracking was taking place. Because of this, he was unable to help me and suggested I concentrate all my energy on my Mud Head Project. He also stated that this meant there was no need for Bob or himself to attend the meeting.

I spent some time thinking of a way forward, and then rang Dave back to explain my plan. He was immediately excited about my proposal, and said he would be honoured to be part of it. He also said he would make sure that Bob from the Council was there, as he believed he would really enjoy this.

 

Minutes of the meeting called Friday 8th April 2016.

Item 1

Apologies for absence received from Arky-Ollie-Just and Simon from the DECC.

Those present at the meeting: Monty The Great, Separation Anxiety Chicken, The Fairy, Alive Orange Blob, Dave from the Station, Bob at the Council.

Item 2

The Chairman put forward a proposal to form a working party whose primary purpose would be to gather intelligence about any fracking activity in the area, which is needed to proceed with a Police investigation. Volunteers were being sought to form the Fracking Activity Reconnaissance Team. The Chairman put himself forward to lead the team, and opened up the floor to discussion.

A reminder to take the proceedings seriously was issued, in order to curb the unnecessary laughter.

Dave from the Station was the first to offer his services, stating that it would be good for his career to be part of the F.A.R.T. He put forward the proposal that we have jackets printed so that we would be easily recognisable as F.A.R.T’s.

This was rejected on the grounds that we need to be incognito.

Bob from the Council was the second to volunteer, remarking that he felt he had the necessary skills to make the F.A.R.T. one of the most successful in history. He added to this, that Dave had been right to persuade him to attend the meeting, and that he wouldn’t have missed it for the world. He thanked the Chairman for the opportunity to demonstrate his commitment to the F.A.R.T.

A further reminder about appropriate behaviour during meetings was issued.

It was determined that Monty The Great, Dave from the Station and Bob at the Council would make up the F.A.R.T.

Item 3

A complaint was received from The Fairy and Chicken, who both stated that it was unfair that the F.A.R.T. was made up solely of men. The Chairman acknowledged this truth, but went on to explain that in this area, men have historically shown their superiority. A compromise was reached, allowing The Fairy and Chicken to play a more discreet role, as the silent element of F.A.R.T.

Item 4

No further items were discussed, as by this time Dave was unable to participate further due to uncontrollable laughter, and Bob was crying. The Chairman voiced his concerns about professionalism, and hoped he hadn’t made a mistake recruiting them to the F.A.R.T.

Both assured the meeting that they were fully committed to the aims of the F.A.R.T., adding that it was the best thing that had happened to them this year.

Item 5

The Chairman stated that an Action Plan would be drawn up, to be debated at the next meeting.

Item 6

The Chairman brought the meeting to a close. The date of the next meeting is to be confirmed.

 

Monty The Great, Chairman

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , ,

67. Emergency Meeting – by Monty

Posted on April 2, 2016 by Mydogslife

Minutes of the emergency meeting called Friday 1st April 2016.

Item 1

Apologies for absence received from Arky-Ollie-Just, PC Dave from the Station, Bob at the Council, Simon from the DECC. Reasons given:

  • Arky-Ollie-Just: history related activities
  • PC Dave: chasing a dinosaur through the town centre
  • Bob: on family holiday
  • Simon: “Don’t be ridiculous.”

Those present at the meeting: Monty The Great, Separation Anxiety Chicken, The Fairy, Alive Orange Blob.

Item 2

It was felt necessary to discuss the absence of PC Dave, due to the fact that Chicken could not concentrate knowing there was a dinosaur in the vicinity. The Chairman (Monty The Great) reassured her that PC Dave would deal with it and that no people or animals were in any danger. The Fairy put forward a proposal that it was an April Fools joke, but this was dismissed by the Chairman on the grounds that police officers never joke about public safety.

Item 3

The unexplained hole was explained by the Chairman as being the result of illegal fracking. The Fairy submitted a second proposal, suggesting Chicken was responsible. Chicken denied this, proposing instead that we blame Ugly Cat. As Ugly Cat was not present at the meeting to defend itself, the motion that the hole is the result of illegal fracking stands.

Item 4

Appropriate behaviour during meetings was discussed. The Chairman made clear that instances of inappropriate behaviour would not be tolerated. These include: shouting, snorting, spitting, sulking, getting up to make coffee, bringing unauthorised toys to the table, answering a Skype call from Grandma and Grandad, and disagreeing with the Chairman.

Item 5

The Chairman brought the meeting to a close due to extended periods of inappropriate behaviour. It was noted that Alive Orange Blob had behaved impeccably and was therefore voted in as Vice Chairman, despite objections from The Fairy and Chicken.

The Chairman resolved this issue by drawing their attention to the last example of inappropriate behaviour listed in Item 4.

Item 6

The date of the next meeting was set for Friday 8th April 2016.

Meeting abandoned at 1430 hrs.

 

Monty The Great, Chairman

 

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , , ,

66. Further Hole Discovered – by Monty

Posted on March 31, 2016 by Mydogslife
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Unexplained hole which appeared in the same spot where Chicken had been sunbathing

There appears to be a communication problem with the kitchen staff. Although I order well in advance, I keep being presented with dog food concoctions instead of steak. Due to other pressing matters however, I will have to deal with this at a later date.

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Chicken sunbathing in safer times

It seems the ground is far more unstable than I had thought. Another large hole has opened up overnight in the exact spot where Chicken had been sunbathing. I’m worried that the whole garden will disintegrate if something is not done quickly, and it would be tragic if Chicken disappeared into a hole in the ground. I might need to cordon off the garden for safety’s sake. Chicken tried to blame it on Ugly Cat, who she says has been watching her again, but I doubt it has the necessary skill to dig such a deep hole. It is more likely to be the result of the illegal fracking and it is high time this was stopped.

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Protecting orange toy

I intend calling an emergency meeting in the near future. Arky-Ollie-Just, PC Dave from the Station, Bob at the Council and Simon from the DECC will all be invited. Chicken will be in attendance but will be given strict instructions not to say anything.

Speaking of Chicken, she has been working hard during our training sessions and I am pleased with the progress she is making. She has developed an obsession with my new orange toy however, so I am having to carry it around with me everywhere. This is just to keep it safe though; not because I am in love with it.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , , , ,

51. Bob, Dave, Duck And Chicken – by Monty

Posted on March 6, 2016 by Mydogslife

The last few days have been quite eventful. On Friday PC Dave from the Station turned up, asking to speak to me about a couple of incidents that had been brought to his attention. One of them had something to do with Porta-Loo Day and the Neighbourhood Watch. I couldn’t quite understand what he was getting at, but I believe that some of the people on the estate have been complaining. It is possible that I have been unfairly missing some of the portable toilets, so I will make an extra effort next week to use every single one. I don’t want people feeling offended because they have been missed out.

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Monty showing his softer side with a flower

The other incident was entirely more serious, and one that I am particularly angry about. Apparently, Bob from the Council has put in a complaint about me! He has reported being attacked whilst on my property and Dave is now having to investigate the allegation. I made it quite clear that I did not injure Bob in any way, and went so far as to demonstrate how I had asked him to leave. As far as I am aware, there is no law against asking someone to leave your premises, using verbal communication only.

Dave agreed with this, but said I should guard against presenting myself in a way that could be conceived as threatening. He said that Bob no longer felt safe dealing with me, and no longer had any peace of mind. I told Dave that I’d give Bob a piece of my mind if I saw him again, and went on to explain how my planning application had been turned down. Dave sympathised but was very clear about how I should conduct myself in future. I agreed to behave in a more restrained way, and went on to tell him about my Mud Head Project. He was very impressed and said this was much more practical than a trench, which was my thought entirely.

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Duck droppings on Chicken

On Friday Chicken tried to make friends with a duck but it ran away, so she had to content herself with rubbing her face and neck in its droppings. I did not allow her to sit too close to me in the car on the way home.

Yesterday we had a day out at Sister’s house where we came across a cat. I wanted to play with it but it ran away. Chicken insisted we had been followed by Ugly Cat and became quite upset. I explained to her that it was not Ugly Cat, but Talking Cat. It can say hello just like Sister! Extraordinary!

Today is Mother’s Day so we are visiting Grandma. If I have time later, I will write a letter of apology to Bob from the Council. I realise how formidable I am, and must take responsibility for my actions. It’s the right thing to do.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: ,

48. They Won’t Keep A Good Dog Down – by Monty

Posted on February 27, 2016 by Mydogslife
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I was devastated for a while

Devastated. Bob from the Council turned up unannounced on Friday. And shattered my dreams. Heartless. Absolutely heartless.

Due to the unannounced nature of his visit, The Fairy wouldn’t let him come through the house as she had not undertaken the necessary emergency cleaning which usually precedes visits from outsiders. So he had to come through the gate. By which I mean climb over it, because the bolts refuse to draw back.

Upon entering the garden, he cast a cursory glance at the ruined lawn and went straight over to the trench site. I knew all was not well when he shook his head and made that hissing noise through his teeth. Then he delivered the blow that saw me drop to my knees in agony:

“It’s too close to the boundary. If you keep digging here it will undermine the posts and the fence will fall down. I can already see into the garden next door. You’ll have to fill it in and resubmit your application showing the trench at least three foot from the fence.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I told him that my engineering expertise was second to none and I would never make the mistake of compromising the stability of the perimeter fence, but he said rules have to be adhered to. This I accept, but his unwillingness to trust my professional expertise, I do not. Which I made very clear in the manner in which I asked him to leave. It took him less time to climb out of the garden than it had taken him to climb in. Quite a feat in fact, considering his age.

The Fairy tried to comfort me and Chicken did her best to cheer me up but nothing could console me. I retired sobbing to my bed, all my dreams in tatters. Until, that is, my survival instincts kicked in and I remembered who I am. MONTY THE GREAT.  I’m Monty. And I’m great. No ‘Bob from the Council with his Health and Safety regulations’ is going to stop me building a trench. I will simply employ the services of a fellow expert and start again. A new day is dawning.

All I need now is Arky-Ollie-Just.

Monty The Great

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags:

44. Under attack – by Monty

Posted on February 20, 2016 by Mydogslife

I believe I have been poisoned. It is my own fault; I have taken my eye off the ball where the birds are concerned and it has come back to bite me on the bum, so to speak. I knew I should have taken more direct action when I had the chance.

Two pigeons were walking around my garden a few days ago, in blatant violation of my direct orders. Instead of taking direct action myself however, I decided to let Chicken deal with them. She obviously failed in her mission as I believe they were able to plant something in my garden which made me incredibly sick. Chicken has told me that it was my own fault and I’m finding it difficult to disagree. I must be more vigilant from now on.

My plan for revenge had to be put on hold yesterday due to a large number of admirers who turned up. They had obviously come to see me, though Chicken found this hard to believe. She also wanted admiring and the visitors were kind enough to humour her. They liked me best, and were particularly impressed when I tried to protect the children’s health by taking the chocolate biscuits off them. I think they really appreciated my thoughtfulness.

Tomorrow is Sunday so I intend to get up before dawn to lie in wait for the birds. I am anxious to rid my garden of them completely before Bob from the Council turns up to inspect it.  I do not want him thinking that the place is a wildlife reserve, as this may harm my chances of getting planning permission for my trench.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

41. A Good Start To The Day – by Monty

Posted on February 17, 2016 by Mydogslife

I have worked out what pleases The Fairy most by watching her interaction with Chicken. Chicken makes loads of mess with her blood all over the walls; The Fairy spends four hours cleaning it up; Chicken gets extra hugs and kisses by way of thanks. Obviously, The Fairy was thanking her for providing the extra housework. Now that I have worked this out with my superior intellect, I intend to act upon it.

Today I got up at half past five and indicated that I wished to go out into the garden. But because it was raining, I decided against relieving myself outside. There really isn’t any point taking risks when it is not necessary. Also, I scored my first points of the day by giving her the satisfaction of cleaning it up. I’m not quite sure how the payment system works yet, as I didn’t get my extra cuddle straight away.

After breakfast, I rang Bob at the Council and told him we needed to have an urgent meeting about the planning permission for my trench. I think that like Simon at the DECC, he has also been on holiday because he said at least he’d had a break for a couple of weeks. He went on to say that my application was in the system and all I could do was wait, and that there really wasn’t any point in me ringing him, as there was nothing he could do to speed up the process.

I told him that in order for Simon at the DECC to investigate the illegal fracking, I needed an incident number from PC Dave at the station, and I couldn’t get that until I had planning permission in place for the trench.

Bob was astonished that I had managed to speak to Simon at the DECC and stunned into silence when I informed him that I had used Simon’s private mobile. He became quite anxious about this and asked if his name had been mentioned during the conversation. I had to admit that I had neglected to tell Simon at the DECC that Bob at the Council had recommend I ring him. I apologised and told Bob that I would ring Simon back and let him know.

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Chicken’s bandaged tail

For some reason, (I suspect modesty) Bob begged me never to implicate him and said that if I keep his contribution secret, he would do everything in his power to speed up the planning application. He also said that as the trench was still in fact just a hole, the police wouldn’t really be interested in the paperwork anyway, and I should go ahead and call them back.

I told him that I didn’t want PC Dave turning up at my house until The Fairy had cleaned all the blood off the walls. He said he would ring me back.

I am very pleased at how the day has started.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

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