Posts Tagged With: Food

207. The First Rule – by Monty

Chicken has made a remarkable recovery and is almost back to her normal self. I put this down to the care and attention that I have been administering diligently, and to the fact that she is made of elastic and high tension springs.

Yesterday I licked her ear as I am now allowed near her head without being warned off. She is more playful with me and her tail is wagging more. It remains to be seen whether this is a good or a bad thing. I have been on the receiving end of that tail once too often.

Now, with regards to food, the first rule of engagement is of the upmost importance and is universally accepted by all dogs:

1. All unattended and exposed food belongs to the dog.

For the purposes of this article, unattended is defined as being not in the hands of an adult. Exposed refers to any food accessible to the dog, up to and including items located after a thorough search of bags and cupboards.

As the leader, I have a duty to provide for all the members of my unit. To this end, after a well executed and stealth-like mission, I managed to secure two bagels for our breakfast. Timing was paramount, and my action would not have been discovered had it not been for Chicken’s lack of urgency.

I have scheduled in some training on statutory procedures to be followed by all.

I do not want Chicken being arrested for possession of stolen property.


Eat or conceal. PROPERLY


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: ,

206. Hear Me Out – by Monty

In my line of work, it is important to think on your feet. Sometimes it is necessary to Improvise, Adapt and Overcome. This is where I excel. When the going gets tough, as they say, the tough get going. And the going is particularly tough at the moment with regards to the food situation and to Chicken’s teeth.

I have good news regarding her recovery. I accompanied her to the vets this morning for her check up. Ordinarily I wouldn’t set foot in the place, but I was there to support Chicken. I did a rather good demonstration of how one might shake if one were frightened of the vets, which everybody present found very useful. The vet was pleased with her progress so we are all very relieved. The Fairy has given both of us extra attention and has hand-fed Chicken with all sorts of nice things. I’m glad to say that I was also given some of this lovely PROPER food, in the interest of fairness.

Then it came to me. A flash of inspiration so profound that even I was stunned by my own brilliance. Improvise, adapt and overcome.

These are the facts:

  • We were put on a diet of gravel. 
  • Chicken had some teeth removed.
  • For a period of three days we were both given soft chicken, mince, black pudding and ham.

So, without even referring to the official text book, I have identified a method of obtaining good quality food for a period of at least three days: book Chicken into the vets. It’s that simple!

Hear me out.

Chicken has 26 teeth left, which in theory could mean up to 78 days of decent food if she were to have one tooth extracted at a time, and we were to get soft cooked real meat for three days after each extraction. I’m sure she will agree that that will be worth the small amount of discomfort she may feel.


Stunned by my own brilliance

I have not yet ironed out all the details, but I intend to put the idea to Chicken as soon as she stops drooling.

Monty The Great

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

204. Amazing Chicken – by Monty.

I will be the first to admit that in recent times I have rather lost sight of who I am. I put this down to the shock that my body has been going through, since the illegal withdrawing of the approved a la carte menu. Though fully aware of this crime against humanity, I felt unable to rally myself to action.

Luckily, I have my right hand man Chicken looking out for me. Admittedly, she went about administering help in a rather uncouth fashion, but administer help she did. By literally throwing me a lifeline. In the form of a very large book.

The book which roused me from my stupor was none other than the highly acclaimed 1996 addition of How To Win Yourself A Home And Control Your Humans Once You Get There. 

I cannot believe that I did not immediately refer to this volume! I have used this text during many of my lectures to recently retired greyhounds to great effect. I intend to follow – to the letter – all the instructions given in the chapter about food. The Fairy is no match for me!


On a more serious note: teeth. Mine are excellent. Mine are the best teeth that the vet has ever seen on a greyhound. They are made of reinforced concrete and have side-impact protection bars installed as standard. They are big, strong, and responsible for many of the compliments that I receive on a daily basis.

Chicken’s, on the other hand, are rubbish. So rubbish in fact, that she has had to have six of them taken out. She is a little out of sorts at the moment but is recovering well. A bit droolly but I’m hoping that passes.


She’s in safe hands

She has nothing to fear. From this moment on I will be taking full responsibility for her rehabilitation and wellbeing. I consider it an honour to be able to look after her. She is in safe hands.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

203. The Fat Greyhound Story – by Chicken


Once upon a there was a big dog called Monty McDonty and he was big. He did live with a beautiful princess who is called Princess Chicken. They did live with a servant who did bring them lovely food food all the day.

Monty McDonty one day did start to get greedy and did start to all eat too much everything. Roll sausage in a bag. Then he did get lazy and he did get chubby chubby bum bum. 

Beautiful Princess Chicken did say to him to stop all eating too much and get out doing the big exercising but Monty McDonty was thickie so didn’t listen. 

So he did get all more chubby. 

One day, in the daytime they did both go to see the man at the big kennels and he did say that I was the beautiful Princess Chicken was beautiful, but that Monty McDonty was all too biggy big. So the servant did put him on a diet. 

Then the beautiful Princess Chicken did find out that I was on a diet too and I did blame Monty McDonty because it is all his fault. So the beautiful Princess Chicken did deciding and did decide to kick him in the head but then she did throw a big book at him instead and it did bounce off his chubby bum.

Then she did change his name to Fatty McFatface. 

So I win the end.


Lazy greyhound Fatty McFatface

By Beautiful Chicken 


Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: ,

202. Is It Legal? – by Monty

Is it legal?

This is the question I have put to the RSPCA; the vet; the lady who runs the rehoming centre where we came from; the trainer who had the honour of looking after me for four years; the local NHS representative; Bob at the Council; the manager of the dogfood shop we are banned from for weeing repeatedly on their stock, and the postman.

Is it legal to feed thoroughbred greyhounds on grit and builders’ gravel?

The answer apparently, is yes. As long as said grit and builders’ gravel is labelled as dog food.

Outrageous! Where are my sausages? My steaks? My 12 dentastix a day, my cakes, my ham sandwiches, my black pudding, my roast chicken, my custard creams and my ice-cream? I miss them.

Just because somebody with 40 years experience of working with greyhounds said I was slightly overweight, doesn’t mean I am. It certainly doesn’t mean I should be put on a diet. Outrageous!



Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

201. Monty’s Tantrum – by Chicken

Monty is all not coping with not being the Prime Ministers; he is not coping with being inside because of the hotty hot, and he is not coping with being on the big diet.

I was all going to kick him in the head to make him stop doing the tantrumming but I did deciding and did decide not to stop him because he did have his teeth with him.


Monty’s tantrum


Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , ,

199. Election Conspiracy – by Monty

It is entirely possible that Chicken and I may not be the Prime Ministers. This is the conclusion I have drawn, after looking at all the available evidence. The official line is that our Greyhounds In Charge Party was never put forward to run in the election. I, however, smell CONSPIRACY.


Hung parliament 

I intend to continue with my fight, and will not stop until I have taken up my rightful place as leader of this country. Chicken concurs. Our Deputy Prime Minister has literally been hung out to dry. On the washing line. The Mum of our Refreshments Minister, Miss Daisydog, said it was a hung parliament and she was right. Big Ted concurs.


For the last few days, Chicken and I have been held prisoner in our own unit. There was some talk of The Fairy saying that the patio was hurting her feet, as a result of which, we are not allowed to go for walks. This makes no sense at all. It is very cool in the living room so I see no reason why anybody would suggest it is too hot to go for a simple walk. I have made my objections known. Unfortunately, all my jumping around and protestations have had a nil effect.

So. I’m not the Prime Minister yet, I’m stuck in the house because of a small amount of weather, AND I have been informed that I am on a diet. Hoorah.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

194. Last Night Of Being Normal – by Chicken

Trolly, trolly, trolly, trolly, trolly, troll, troll! BOOM! BOOM!

We is going to move to be living near the trolly troll trolls and they will like me and be my friends. When Britain does leave Your Rope and does go near to nearly Iceland and No-way, I can gets a bus to No-way and visit the trolls. Monty did say I could only go on my days off and I did say I can go all the days but Monty did say that today is the only last day that we will be normal because tomorrow in the morning we is going to be the Prime Ministers.

I did reminding and did remind him that he all hadn’t done any camping and he did say he didn’t need to because we was all going to win anyway so I is all excited. The Fairy did say that she will do my hair in the tomorrow morning and she did say that when me and Monty bum bum become the Prime Ministers that she will bake us a big cake.

And I did say, each? and she did say, each.

Then I did go to Monty and tell him that The Fairy was all making me two cakey cakes. BOOM! BOOM!


Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , ,

181. Chicken’s Sick Incident – by Monty


Food. It’s important. Greyhounds have a very discerning palette, unlike some dogs who are known to eat anything and everything. People try their best to make mealtimes as interesting as possible, but I say this is unnecessary. Just give us the good quality food we deserve and leave it at that.

The Fairy, for example, likes to hide our food under handfuls of dog food thus forcing us to sort through it and dig for the good stuff. She thinks we enjoy this added challenge whereas we think it just slows the whole process down. Chicken digs around with her nose until she finds the real food, but I have a more efficient method which involves taking the dog food out with my mouth and spitting it on the floor first.

When we eat, we concentrate on our own bowls and there isn’t a problem. When something of high value is involved however, Chicken becomes very possessive and stressed. One day, we managed to acquire a croissant each. I ate mine, but Chicken took hers to her basket and sat on it. She was then unable to leave her basket, for fear that I might steal it. Furthermore, she snapped and barked at me every time I went near her. Fair enough I say, as the croissant was very tempting.

Now let us fast forward to the 18th of February 2017, when The Fairy got it right, and we were given pure chicken for tea. We both ate heartily, but five minutes later, Chicken went out into the garden and vomited the whole lot up. A few seconds later, I decided to go out, and when the door was opened, Chicken pushed passed me and flew out to take up a position just in front of her pile of sick. She then started barking at me, shouting that it was her sick, and therefore I wasn’t allowed to eat it.


Where’s my chicken?

Her possessiveness over high value food even extends to things she has already eaten and subsequently rejected. What on earth made her think I would want to eat the chicken that she had razzed all over the grass? I hasten to add that she didn’t bark at The Fairy when she cleared it up and put it in the bin, so it’s just me that she has a low opinion of. How dare she assume that a thoroughbred of my caliber would eat vomit?

Moral of the story: Don’t come between Chicken and her chicken.

Monty The Great


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: ,

158. The Usefulness Of Chicken – by Monty

Chicken’s capacity to be useful has come into question recently. The Fairy has suffered first hand at Chicken’s head so to speak, but to be honest, I think she should stop mentioning it now as she has milked it for all it’s worth. PC Dave at the station said he couldn’t proceed with any prosecution in the absence of a complaint, and The Fairy said she won’t make a complaint because she loves Chicken and knows she didn’t mean it. Chicken continues to deny all knowledge.

There are times however, when Chicken can be very useful indeed. At such times I am very proud to be her Commanding Officer.

Let’s discuss medicine.

It’s expensive to start with, so people wouldn’t buy it for us unless it was necessary, and of course – it works. If we are ill, it is most important that we take our medicine at the appropriate times and in the appropriate amount. I have no objection to this, as long as I have pre-approved said medicine.

If, on the other hand, I am being fed some new age herbal concoction that I have not requested, I am of a different mind. The label may say it helps dogs and cats deal with the trauma of fireworks, but I say if I haven’t ordered it myself, I will not eat it.

I am particularly proficient at identifying any foreign body in my food, and eating around it. Due to this, The Fairy has taken to hiding the tablets inside cheese or meat paste. I suspect one or two tablets have made it into my system, but I am becoming better at locating them and spitting them out. To counteract this, The Fairy always checks the floor and then attempts to re-administer any stray tablets.

The question I was wrestling with was this: Where can I hide the wet and sticky spit-out tablet?

Enter Chicken:


Stuck like glue

It took The Fairy fifteen minutes to find it.


Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

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