Monthly Archives: June 2016

101. Expanding The F.A.R.T? – by Monty

Posted on June 6, 2016 by Mydogslife
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Shining in the sun

It has been very warm and sunny over the last few days so Chicken and I have been sunbathing. The Fairy put up a large umbrella, as presumably she didn’t trust the weatherman and was preparing for rain. I will admit to being cautious by nature, but this really was being over cautious if you ask me. Having said that, I do admire someone who is prepared for every eventuality, and this is England, so not impossible that it should rain at any given moment.

I met with Ugly Cat yesterday evening, who was sitting on next door’s shed. He was in a good mood, saying he was looking forward to sitting on my new shed. I informed him that I had not yet allocated seating positions on my shed, but that I had already rejected applications from the pigeons and the magpies.

Ugly Cat said that he could be very useful from such a high vantage point, and could provide me with important information about any activity in the immediate vicinity. He started to tell me about some possible illegal fracking activity which he believes is taking place in a large field next to the estate, when we were interrupted by one of the above mentioned magpies. This bird proceeded to tell me that as a flyer capable of reaching quite high altitude, he would be infinitely more valuable than Ugly Cat, and requested that I re-assess his shed-sitting application.

Ugly Cat then lost control of himself and started hissing and spitting. He was on the point of launching an attack, when out of nowhere, Chicken launched her own. She flung herself at the fence and both the magpie and Ugly Cat scattered. I told her very sternly that I had been in the middle of an intelligence gathering operation, and was displeased with her having sabotaged it. She replied that she had come to play with me; called me boring, and ran off to find a toy.

I determined to contact all members of the F.A.R.T. in order to discuss the information I had received. After making a round of phone calls, the meeting has been set for Wednesday, and will take the form of a BBQ as suggested by PC Dave from the Station. Bob from the Council agreed to come (on this basis only), and I therefore feel it is imperative that Pete Who Can Build Anything visits my premises beforehand. If Bob sees that Chicken has been continuing with the trench building programme without planning permission, he may decide to prosecute. If we can show that we have firm plans in place to repair the damage, we may get away with it.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , , , , ,

100. History Spider – by Chicken

Posted on June 4, 2016 by Mydogslife

Yesterday I dids ring Arky to tell him about the swimming spider, and then I dids tell him that Monty was all being slow at getting married. Arky said that I should all try being extra nice to big Monty and I did say I would bakes him a cake. Then Arky did say that spiders is very important and that he knew a history story about a spider that would help me keeps trying to be being married and helps me to be paint shirt and then he did tell me this history story about the history spider:

All upon the once time in the history time, the big history King did fast running until he did find a big cave. Then he did sit down in the middle of the cave and put the telly box on. But he all didn’t know that the cave belonged to the biggest biggerer spider in the whole world. The spider wanted to go shoppering to gets some sausages and a new toy, but the big King was all in the way.

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History spider

The spider did shout at the King to get lost, but the King didn’t hear him so he waved all his leggy legs around and then the King did see him. But the King didn’t get out the way so the spider had a gooder idea. He did know that people is all scared of spiders dropping on them, so he did decide to be pretending that he was all going to drop on the King and go in his mouth. So the spider dropped down a bit on the silk just like Spider-Man and the King did see him, but he didn’t get out the way. So the spider did climb up again and did drop again to frighten the King again so he would all get out the way.

Then the spider did gets a bit angry because the King still didn’t move out the way, and the spider did all have to climb back ups again and drop down again and it all did takes a long time. When the spider had dropped down nine times and the King still hadn’t moved, the spider did shout at him and did throw a shoe at him which he had stolen from Ugly Cats but the King just did the staring all the time and none of the getting out the way. All the spider’s legs were tired so he all did decide to give up and just walk across the ceiling instead.

As soon as the spider started all the long walks on the ceiling, the big history King did stand up and go out the cave and get out the way. Then the spider did go swimming instead because all the shoppy shops were closed. THE END

So I did thinks about this and then I did more thinking and did decide that being paint shirt was stupid and then I dids decide to bake Monty a cake and then I is going to tell him that if he doesn’t marry me soon I is all going to put a spider in his bed.

Then Arky did say that that was not all his spider story at all and ifs I did tell the peoples that he had all said that, his repute station as a historical history man would be ruined and he would all have to go and live in a cave.

So I dids tells him that I all wouldn’t tell anyone and Arky did say he would cooks sausages for me.

Chicken xxx

 

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds

99. Dizzy Chicken – by Monty

Posted on June 3, 2016 by Mydogslife

Yesterday, Chicken nearly knocked herself out. On my head. I was getting my unit ready for a walk, which necessitates putting leads on so we can attach ourselves to The Fairy to keep her safe. Chicken can’t control herself yet, so jumps up and down and very often hits The Fairy in the stomach. The Fairy throws the lead on the floor when this happens, and will only pick it up again when Chicken is standing still. Chicken knows this, but always goes through about five minutes of jumping and kicking anyway.

I, on the other hand, stand completely still with my head at the most convenient angle, as detailed in the indispensable 1996 volume How To Win Yourself A Home And Control Your Humans Once You’ve Got There. I am capable of jumping, and my head regularly reaches heights of more than six foot, but I never hit people so receive nothing but praise for my athletic ability. Chicken simply jumps about like a hyperactive grasshopper.

During the downward phase of one of these jumps, her lower jaw made contact with my skull. There really was no contest. She stopped abruptly and her little head swayed from side to side. The Fairy was very concerned and checked to see if she was injured, fearing that she may have bitten her tongue. Luckily, there didn’t seem to be any real damage, although she was very subdued for a few minutes. Just long enough to get the lead on easily, I might add.

On our walk, she was twittering away about Ugly Cat saying the rats were responsible for the illegal fracking. She said that Ugly Cat has an agreement with the rats, that they will go far away when I am given this information. She also reported that Ugly Cat is intending to cover my shed roof with rotten fish heads so that he can sit on it in comfort.

I think not.

As a registered military building, no unauthorised entry will be allowed. Not even on the roof. My shed will be protected by all the latest security features, including the most up to date wildlife detection alarm system available. In addition to this, there will be two guard dogs: myself, and dizzy Chicken.

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Possibly needs work

Arky-Ollie-Just came over and issued a harsh assessment on the garden. He said that he had recently been at the site of an ancient settlement which had been abandoned 2000 years ago, and that their garden was in a better state than ours. He also insisted that the holes be filled in, before one of us falls into one and breaks our legs. I told him that I would never be so complacent as to fall into one of the holes, and that only an idiot would do so.

The Fairy fell into one whilst cutting the grass/mud. I will get onto it straight away.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , ,

98. Being Nice To Ugly Cats – by Chicken

Posted on June 2, 2016 by Mydogslife
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Monty bum bum still in bed

It is all still early wurly and I has already been out in the big garden to do the digging in the found stations. Monty did go back to bed because he is tired bum bum, and The Fairy is having coffee to try to makes her eyes work. Ugly Cats did come onto the shed roof next door and I did go to eats him, and then I did remembering, and did remember that Monty did say I all had to say thank you for the smelly rotten rotty fish head. Silly Monty.

So I did say thank you for the stupid rotty rotten smelly stupid fish head, and Ugly Cats did say that he didn’t thinks I liked it. I did say that I didn’t like the rotty fish head, but that Monty did say I had to say thank you. Ugly Cats then did say that he did think Monty was the most bestest boy dog ever and that I was the bestest girl dog ever and I did tell him that he was right. Then he did say that he was upset when I all didn’t like the fish head so he had got me the betterer present of the little alien man. I dids not all know that he had got me this gooder present, so then I did get happy and did say thank you all properly.

Then I did tell Ugly Cats about my special poo and he did say that he could brings me another one, but that he’ll all have to go far aways to get it, because he all has an agreements with the local rats not to gets them. He then did all say that he had special information for big Monty about the frackering, and I hads to tell Monty to come and talks to him but I did say Monty donty was all still in beds.

Then I did tells him all about the new bigger patty that Monty is all going to build and the bigger shed and Ugly Cats did ask if he could sit on the roof of my new bigger shed when it is all finishered because we is all friends now and I did say get lost. BOOM! BOOM!

Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , ,

97. Chicken’s Special Poo – by Monty

Posted on June 1, 2016 by Mydogslife
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Special Chicken

Almost all of my walks are ruined by Chicken, who refuses to just walk. We can only manage a short distance before we have to stop to allow her to sniff something. She is particularly good at sniffing out discarded food along the alleyway that leads to the field. Last week she ate the remnants of two beef burgers, a baguette and quite a lot of chips. The Fairy tries to stop her and always tells her to drop it, because she is worried it will make her sick. I’m inclined to agree. Why bother eating food off the floor when there is so much available in the house, if only you are willing to put in a little effort.

One thing neither of us eat however, is poo. I seem to remember reading somewhere that this has a name and a reason, but neither of us do it. So imagine our surprise when on the way to the field, Chicken picked up a piece of poo! She dropped it immediately when told to, but picked it up again on the way home. The very same piece! The following day she did exactly the same. Four times she picked it up. The Fairy said there must be something very special about it, as Chicken only picked up that one, and none of the others, of which there are many.

When the same thing happened the following day, The Fairy decided to have a look at it. It was only then, that she realised why it was so special. The special poo was, in fact, a dried rat. I was shocked to find that Chicken showed no sign of embarrassment when this was pointed out to her. Disgraceful. I’m glad she’s not married to me. I would hate to think that a wife of mine would deem it acceptable to pick up dried food from the floor.

Pete is coming over soon to discuss building a patio. Apparently, he is capable of building, erecting, fixing or making anything. I have already drawn up a plan of what I want, so the meeting shouldn’t take long. Dave from the Station wants to be present when it is built in case he can help, (I think he is expecting a sausage sandwich) and Arky-Ollie-Just insisted on being here in case we unearth a stone monument of some description whilst digging the foundations. Chicken is very excited about it, and has already started on the aforementioned foundations.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: ,

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