The Fairy’s head is a funny shape. It’s a bit lopsided. I hadn’t noticed it before because her fur usually sticks out in all directions. But today it is straight for some reason, which has exposed the lack of symmetry. I’ve had a quick look at Chicken and checked myself in the mirror and we seem to be unaffected. I’m pleased about this as I’d hate to have a big head.

Today has been quite productive. I rang Bob at the Council first thing this morning and explained my theory of illegal fracking compromising the stability of my trench. He agreed that this was indeed a real possibility and suggested (with quite an unnecessary amount of enthusiasm in my opinion) that from now on I should deal exclusively with Simon at the Department of Energy & Climate Change. This suits me fine, as it means I’ll also be able to register my complaint against the very strong winds that have developed over the last few days. I’m presuming that Simon can do something about this, as his job description clearly states he is responsible for the climate.

Chicken has fallen in love with the Liverpool manager, Klopp,  and has decided to develop her football skills in an attempt to impress him. For some inexplicable reason, she thought I would want to do the same. Initially I resisted joining in, but I was driven to distraction by her incessant barking. In a flash of genius, I remembered the age old trick practiced by parents globally, of tiring out young children during the day in order to get them to sleep at night. For this reason I encouraged her to run at full speed around the garden for an extended period of time.

It worked. Silence is golden:

Monty

The Fairy has gone away for a couple of days and has left me in charge. Arky-Ollie-Just is here keeping us company and we are having a great time. He plays all the time and loves it when I take him for a walk. He also knows where our snacks are kept. Now it’s only an observation and not a criticism – because I do know that he tries very hard – but he is not very good at delivering said snacks efficiently.

He tends to hold the entire snack in his fist which makes it difficult to get hold of. Initially I simply indicated with my nose that I wanted it, but he didn’t understand so I tried to make it clearer by using my teeth. As he still didn’t seem to comprehend, I had a quick go at using my claws before jumping up at him. Unbelievably, he still didn’t get it. In the end, I decided to go the whole hog and head-butt him.

That did the trick.

At the moment it is dark and as archaeologists work best when they can see properly, we have postponed our planned visit to my trench until the morning. I will let you know how it goes.

Monty relaxing

Monty

Arky-Ollie-Just is coming tomorrow so The Fairy has embarked on an emergency cleaning spree. Chicken is helping by laying out every single toy in the house and is currently throwing them about everywhere in an attempt to organise them. I do not hold out much hope for her, seeing as she is incapable of organising her own thoughts, never mind anything else.

For my own part, I’m offering emotional support to both of them from my position on the settee. I did contribute earlier when I brought in some mud from the garden to help guide The Fairy with the vacuum cleaner. I believe she was very pleased to have my assistance.

Whilst out in the garden I did notice some changes to my trench. I’ll admit to being a little confused by this as I know that I haven’t carried out any work on it in the last few days. Arky-Ollie-Just has agreed to survey the site with me tomorrow so will hopefully shed some light on the situation.

Our visit to Big Rabbit’s house went well. I was singled out for special treatment and was the only one to receive a present. I presume this is due to my status and perhaps also in acknowledgement for all the assistance that I provide. I was presented with a beautiful wide belt which was comfortable and also matched my collar. At the risk of sounding boastful, I looked very dashing and believe that I was admired by Big Rabbit and Chicken, who looked on with envy.

Monty

Later today we will be visiting Big Rabbit and The Grandparents. Like most English people, The Fairy has waited until the road conditions are bad before venturing out in her car. Chicken and I love going for a variety of reasons, including the fact that there is always an abundance of food and cuddles.

The kitchen is where the food is, and I find this is the best place to lay down during the preparation period. I have never been stood on, confirming my belief that this is the safest place for me. I receive many compliments on my size whilst in this position.

The main living area is where the two large greyhound beds are located. The Grandparents and Big Rabbit prefer to be squashed together on the smaller of the two, so Chicken and I stretch out on the big one. It is only right that we display this level of respect in somebody else’s house. The Fairy sits on the floor.

I do not know how The Grandparents access their bedrooms as there are no stairs. They do have some secret rooms at the front of their house however, which we are not allowed in. In an interesting twist, Arky-Ollie-Just is quite often on the premises and spends most of his time in one of these rooms. I can therefore assume that he has been engaged by The Grandparents to carry out some kind of archaeological investigation. Interesting.

The most useful room in the entire house is the multifunctional indoor/outdoor kennel, which is part of the garden despite having walls, large windows and a door. The Grandparents use it to drink tea in; Chicken uses it to gain access to the spare greyhound bed; Big Rabbit uses it as a look-out point; I use it to relieve myself, and The Fairy uses it when she wants to apologise. I think everyone should have one of these halfway kennels so that nobody has to go into the garden during inclement weather.

The Fairy has informed me that I’m not going to embarrass her anymore at The Grandparents house. This is a little confusing, as I don’t believe that I have ever done anything embarrassing in my whole life! Apparently, she has a plan in place for today’s visit.

I do not like the way she is looking at me.

Monty