Greyhounds

I am fully aware that I have not been as visible over the last few weeks as I ordinarily like to be. I will not make excuses. Suffice it to say that a rather ill-timed and selfish holiday taken by The Fairy is partly to blame, although she has been back now for over four weeks.

With regards to the election, much progress has been made. Chicken made a rather good point at a meeting recently, which was well attended by every single member of our party. That is to say, both of us.

She pointed out quite rightly (and rather surprisingly considering her general level of awareness of the world outside of her own little bubble) that we would need to have enough members to actually form the Government once we are elected. Whilst I firmly believe that I am more than capable of running the country entirely on my own, I also know the value of delegation.

I am particularly skilled at delegating so have agreed an expansion of party membership with the other current member, Chicken. The negotiations were not the easiest I have ever taken part in, but did eventually come to an end with the following result:

The next cabinet will consist of the following MPs:

Deputy Prime Minister: Big Ted. He is no stranger to responsibility, as I always leave him in charge when Chicken and I are out.

Defense Minister and Head of MI6: Ugly Cat. A controversial appointment as far as Chicken is concerned, but he does have a good spy network already in place.

Chancellor of the Exchequer: Mrs Magpie.

Health Minister: Mr Hedgehog. But only on the condition that he attends meetings unaccompanied. (Fleas.)

Education Ministers: Two pigeons and a rather boring looking garden bird.

Noise Prevention Minister: Miss Mouse.

Minister in charge of saying stupid things which results in the Undermining of Public Confidence In the Government: Mr Fox. (I objected to this concept in the strongest terms, but as Chicken pointed out – every Government has to have at least one.)

All cabinet ministers will be issued with megaphones for use during meetings, as under new regulations (which will come into effect immediately upon our election) they will not be allowed to enter my garden. All said megaphones will have a maximum volume level of 1, to prevent contravening new Noise Level Laws which the Noise Prevention Minister will bring in.

There are only a few days left now until Chicken and I become Prime Ministers, so we are busy making preparations. I am pleased to report that Chicken is taking the whole process seriously.

Monty The Great

I have chosen my official campaign photograph which reflects my personality perfectly. It shows my high level of confidence in my own ability to run the country. Chicken says it makes me look lazy and disinterested, but what does she know? She hasn’t even had hers taken yet.

Suave and confident

Look familiar?

Monty The Great

I will admit to being taken totally off guard by the announcement that we are to have a General Election. I am pretty annoyed by this, as it means there is not enough time for me to apply to be the candidate for any of the main political parties. I rang the Government to complain, and was assured that my dissatisfaction would be relayed to Mrs May. She will probably ring me in the next few days to apologise.

Bob at the Council was pleased to hear from me when I rang him at 5.30am at home, to discuss the situation. He said that the only way I could run for election would be as an independent candidate, but that this would be difficult as I did not have an established party structure behind me.

Difficult – but not impossible.

I discussed the situation with Chicken over breakfast, and she announced that she also wanted to be the Prime Minister. Give me strength! I realised pretty quickly that she was not to be dissuaded, so presented to her a rather radical option.

Chicken and I are going to stand as a pair. The first ever duet candidates. We are standing on a platform of Two Heads Are Better Than One, for the recently established Greyhounds In Charge Party. Chicken insisted on standing on a platform of sausages and custard creams. I say again – give me strength.

We are both very excited about it, and are working on our manifesto which will be published in a few days. Chicken, showing an unexpected level of political awareness, has booked herself in to have her hair done before our official photographs are taken for our campaign posters.

I would like to predict a landslide victory, but do not want to give the impression that I am big-headed.

Monty The Great, Prime Minister in waiting.