34. ICT skills – by Chicken

Posted on February 6, 2016 by Mydogslife
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My second selfie

BOOM! BOOM! Chicky, Chicky, Chicky, BOOM! BOOM!

BOOM! BOOM! Chicky, Chicky, BOOM! BOOM!

The other day in the morning, a big ugly cats did sit on my fence all on itself. I did think straight away that it was ugly and he did have a look on his face all sneaky. He is trying to get in to steal my toys and I is not letting him. I decideded to get him and I all did ask Monty to help me.

Monty was in a good mood so did come to the slidy door to see. I was telling him about the cats which was stealing my toys and he was then in a bad mood and wanted to get the cats. We did make The Fairy open the slidy door and then we did run out all quickly. On the way to the cats we did see some bread on the floor and did all stop to eat it. I had 23 pieces because I is fast at eating but Monty is slow coach so only had 16 pieces so I win.

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Monty Silly Nose

After this I did look all around but the cats was gone away. Monty is such big hero he noticed a little bird and was all worried that the little bird would get catched and eaten by the ugly cat so he did scare it off to save the little birdy’s life. He is so big and strong when he is looking after the little bird so I am marrying  him one day. Monty said he would keep all the birdies safe from now on so the cats can’t get them. He loves all the little birds so does not want them to get catched.

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Monty Big Chin

When Monty was snoring I did use the iPaddy to take photos of him. Monty says I am all never allowed to use it because I has no ICT skills but I have been taking good photos of Monty and he is all handsomeness. I think he will be all pleased when he sees how clever I am with taking photos of him.

Today we is visiting Big Rabbit in the pm so I has to make myself look beautiful.

Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags:

33. If a monkey can do it ….. – by Chicken

Posted on February 5, 2016 by Mydogslife
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My first selfie! By Chicken

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds

32. Threat level SEVERE – by Monty

Posted on February 4, 2016 by Mydogslife

I have been on high alert since dawn and have raised the threat level from substantial to severe. My garden has been classified as a construction site since last Autumn when I first started my trench, and as such is subject to current Health and Safety regulations which means I’m responsible for the safety of anyone who enters it. It has been particularly important to control access to the site recently, due to the instability caused by the illegal fracking.

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Guard duty

This morning, I received some intelligence from Chicken, stating that someone was attempting to access the premises. A quick scan of the perimeter fence revealed the perpetrator to be a wild garden bird of average proportions, sporting brown plumage. I estimated the weight of the bird to be not very much, but could also see the potential threat it represented.

My military training had taught me never to underestimate the enemy. Although one single bird would be unlikely to have any impact, 500 could quite easily cause the whole garden to collapse. It is common knowledge that birds of a feather flock together, so it is imperative that I get rid of this bird before it returns with its friends.

Unfortunately, The Fairy is working against me on this one, and for some reason is encouraging their presence by putting out food! She really is impossible at times. Chicken, on the other hand, has really stepped up to the plate and is proving to be an invaluable asset. First response was for us to get rid of the food, which we accomplished pretty quickly. We then ran around barking at the fence, and the bird had the intelligence to fly away.

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Restricting access to food sources

I have now retired to my bed to plan my counterattack. The Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs has issued the following advice for anyone whose property is attacked by wild birds:

What you can do without a licence

You must first try to resolve your wild bird problem using standard bird management options. You should try:

1. scaring the birds away using visual (eg scarecrows) or audible devices (including shooting to scare) PRIORITY
2. restricting access to food sources MANAGEABLE
3. stopping birds from roosting or nesting on your buildings or land by putting netting over vulnerable areas INTERESTING
4. managing nearby habitat to make it less attractive to birds N/A
5. maintaining a human presence around the site to deter birds POSSIBLE
6. using physical barriers to keep birds away DEFINITELY

I will draw upon this, and my extensive military experience, to plan my campaign against the local bird population. I will keep you informed of my progress.

MONTY THE GREAT

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , ,

31. Monty in the way, again – by The Fairy

Posted on February 3, 2016 by Mydogslife

Yesterday I decided to do some housework. I like to do this every few months if I can, as I think it’s important to keep on top of it. Also, it had come to the point where there really was entirely too much garden in the house.

Monty doesn’t like to break with routine, so he gets very stressed when I tidy up and he sulks like a baby. I moved the furniture around at the same time as doing the cleaning, and it didn’t matter where I went – Monty was in the way. He layed himself flat out and refused to move, even when I smacked him repeatedly in the head with the mop.

Poor Chicken is really frightened of the mop and the vacuum cleaner so she didn’t enjoy the cleaning session either. I think it might be best if I don’t do any more housework until summer. For the sake of my dogs, obviously. I’ve never been much of a domestic type, and yesterday was the most boring day I’ve had in a long time.

The only saving grace was the Chicken Standing On Monty Incident. I was trying to pull the dog blanket out of the way but Monty wouldn’t move so I thought, “Have it your own way,” and I threw the blanket over him. He didn’t move; but Chicken did. Pretty quickly actually. Although she’d watched me cover him up, as soon as I had, she forgot he was there and jumped on the blanket. Judging by the scream, I think it’s safe to say she had landed on something important.

There followed much snarling and snapping and generally throwing his weight around, but he couldn’t see what he was doing because he was still stuck under the blanket. In the end he banged his head on the TV and stood stock still, waiting for one of his servants to release him.

The Fairy

 

Categories: The Fairy, The help

30. Professional integrity – by Arky-Ollie-Just

Posted on February 2, 2016 by Mydogslife

In the interests of professional credibility, reputation and of acquiring a job in the future, I would like to disassociate myself from Monty’s ludicrous illegal fracking theory. In no way do I support any of his arguments and I have never said anything to him to suggest that I do. Nor have I found any evidence to support his idea.

I do not want to disassociate myself from Monty himself, because as a greyhound I think he’s wonderful. He’s one of the greatest retired racing greyhounds I’ve ever met. But come on, Monty! Illegal fracking?

IT’S JUST CHICKEN, YOU DUNDERHEAD.

IT’S ALWAYS BEEN JUST CHICKEN.

She’s digging up your garden, mate. Deal with it.

Arky-Ollie-Just

P.S. Put your hand up if you looked up agrostology on the Internet.

A reply from Monty:

‘When a true genius appears in the world, you can know him by this sign; the dunces are all in confederacy against him.’  John Kennedy Toole

Categories: Arky-Ollie-Just, Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

29. Clear evidence of illegal fracking – by Monty

Posted on February 1, 2016 by Mydogslife

I absolutely knew I was correct. There is, in my professional opinion, indisputable evidence that illegal fracking is taking place in the locality and it is having a direct, detrimental effect on my back garden. I intend to present my evidence to Simon at the DECC as soon as I have compiled a full report.

Although I haven’t felt them myself, there have obviously been quite strong earth tremors occurring. These have been strong enough to cause the football to roll into my trench. I have taken photographs from several different angles as I may need to present them as evidence in court at a letter date.

In addition to this, a new sinkhole has appeared in a different area of the garden and I have serious concerns about the foundations of the house, as it is only about one yard from the outer wall of my bedroom. Chicken was barking some rubbish at me about ownership of the site, so I had to enlighten her to the fact that nobody can claim ownership of a hole as, by definition, there’s nothing there. Ref: Arky-Ollie-Just January 8, 2016. GIC Press. 

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Exhibit A

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Exhibit B

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The last clue suggesting underground disturbance is a lot more subtle, and could have easily been missed by someone less astute than myself. Luckily, I have an interest in, and extensive knowledge of agrostology, which is the scientific study of grasses. When I first moved in, the back garden was covered in thick, healthy grass. In recent times however, the quality and quantity have reduced dramatically and I believe this is due to root damage, caused by underground vibrations. This deterioration began at the same time as the erosion to my trench, which I believe lends credibility to my illegal fracking theory.

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Exhibit C

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Exhibit D

Interestingly, though of no importance, it also coincides with the arrival of Chicken.

Monty BSc

 

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

28. Chicken’s trench – by Chicken

Posted on February 1, 2016 by Mydogslife

BOOM! BOOM! Chicky, Chicky.

Chicky, chicky, BOOM! BOOM!

How clever I is with digging. Today in the morning I did go out and in secret did try to dig a bit more for lovely Monty in his tunnel. It was difficult impossible to digger it though because he has all decided to use it to keep his weeing ball in! Who keeps a footyball in a hole nowadays? I did all at first try to dig up around it and then it was too hard so I thought, get lost Monty Bum, and dig it yourself.

Then I myself had the bestest ever best idea and did decide to dig my own hole which is betterer than his. I did start it on my own and then nosey Monty did come near me and I did tell him to go away with barking and barking because it is MINE.

And then The Fairy did loudly tell me how goody my hole is. The Fairy is always talking talking but when something is really best, she shouts all big and this is how I know that my digging hole is the bestest.

She did shout for too long today this morning, so I had to stop doing the important digging and go to tell her, “I’m not deaf.” The Fairy said I had done enough digging already but she is not clever so she did use the wrong word and say ‘damage’ all by accident.

Chicken xxx

 

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: ,

27. Taking care of my unit – by Monty The Great

Posted on January 30, 2016 by Mydogslife

I took everybody for a walk yesterday morning as I am wont to do. The Fairy misjudged the ambient temperature which was about ten degrees higher than she had expected. She ended up carrying our coats, and moaned about it all the way home.

As soon as we left the dwelling unit, the strength of the wind was obvious. I thought perhaps it would die down as we ventured further afield, but if anything, the opposite was true. Naturally I was concerned for the safety of my unit, and felt it prudent to terminate the expedition and return to base as quickly as possible. Attempts to push The Fairy from behind failed, so I adjusted my approach and adopted the pull and drag technique. Despite taking longer than I would have hoped, we did eventually return safely and I completed a quick head count before heading straight for the phone.

It had taken longer than anticipated, but I had eventually tracked down Simon at the Department of Energy & Climate Change’s mobile number. I felt outraged that he had allowed the wind to become so strong and feel very strongly that if he doesn’t take his climate responsibilities seriously, he shouldn’t be in the job. Naturally, I rang him straight away to express my anger.

He was less happy than I would expect a man on holiday to be.  He seemed more interested in where I had obtained his private number than in the current weather conditions. I am a real believer in giving credit where it’s due, so although I did disclose that I had found the number on my own, I also mentioned the level of support I had received from his secretary. Too often the back room staff do not receive the recognition they deserve so I felt I was doing a good deed by mentioning his role in this matter. I’m sure he will appreciate my thoughtfulness.

Unfortunately, Simon was unable to speak in any depth, so I told him that I would contact him again at another time. He tried to tell me never to ring him again, and became quite passionate about this, expressing himself in quite an animated way.

Far be it from me to criticise him, but there really was no need for that kind of language.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: ,

26. You can always rely on pigeons to cheer you up – by The Fairy

Posted on January 30, 2016 by Mydogslife

Yesterday wasn’t the best day I’ve ever had. The wind was warm, which English people don’t understand or cope with. The dogs raided the kitchen and ate things they shouldn’t have. Chicken has taken to digging in the hole every time she goes out in the garden, and bringing the mud into the living room. Monty razzed on the carpet, and my lottery tickets were defective so I’m still not a millionaire.

Monty is not the bravest boy and is frightened of big noises so he didn’t really enjoy walking in the wind. He tried to hide behind my knees to start with so I couldn’t walk properly, and then he dragged me all the way home. I do feel a bit sorry for him but he has triggered my tennis elbow so there’s a limit to my sympathy.

On the plus side, I did see a pigeon in town which was having to walk sideways because of the wind. I’ve seen many pigeons over the years, but I’ve never seen one walking sideways. If you get the chance to see this, you should. It’s the best thing ever.

Also, after tea, both my dogs cuddled up with me on the settee which I love. Chicken is allowed to sit near Monty as long as she doesn’t touch him too much. And she certainly can’t kick him in the head. He doesn’t appreciate being kicked in the head. She’s cuddling his bum at the moment and everything should be fine, as long as she doesn’t move.

The Fairy

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Monty gets a cuddle

Categories: The Fairy, The help | Tags:

25. Windy Monty – by Chicken

Posted on January 29, 2016 by Mydogslife
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Brave Monty

Today in the morning The Fairy did all get us out of bed early to go for a windy walk before breakfast because she is all still getting fitterer. It is not coldy but the big wind did try to knock us over but we is all too strong. Monty wanted to stay in his big comfy bed but I decides he has to come with us to get more fitter too, because he is being a bit chubby now.

Me and The Fairy did laugh all the time because big wind is funny but Monty Bum Bum was scaredy cat and frightened of the noise. I did say that he should stop being all a baby and that his wind was much more noisy and he said that was a bit harsh but I said it is true.

He did try to get back home quickly fast and pulled and pulled to make us go quickerer. He did kept saying that he was just tired and wanted to go back to bed and I did say that was a porky pie and also I did say if it was true, it serves him right for sitting up all night using the big computerer.

Now we is back in and waiting for food and I is then going to look after Monty because I love him. BOOM! BOOM!

Chicken xxx

 

 

Categories: Greyhounds | Tags:

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