Monty

93. Sporting Injury – by Monty

Posted on May 21, 2016 by Mydogslife

I have had a rather unfortunate week. I caught my nail whilst out galloping with Chicken in the garden and it bled all over the living room floor. Then I slipped over and scraped my ankle on the pavers during a training session, and took the skin off it. This kept bleeding on and off for a few days so I had to have it bandaged up by Grandma. I have also had some mild stomach problems, but I don’t like to complain.

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Injury No.2

The thing about being ill or injured in my unit, is that you get very well taken care of. Too well, perhaps? I have been cuddled and kissed and fussed over by both of them. In fact, I haven’t had a minute’s peace and if I have to answer the, “Are you alright?” question one more time I think I will explode. They have changed my name to Poorly Monty. How dare they? On top of this, I’m being served dog food! This will continue until my stomach is better apparently. Dog food! Really?

I have received an official complaint about Chicken, from Ugly Cat. He started the conversation by offering his congratulations. I’m not sure which of my accomplishments he was referring to but I accepted anyway. He then said that Chicken had been rude to him, by not thanking him for the gifts which he had left. It turns out that the rotten fish head was his idea of a great present. I have no idea why he would want to give a present to a dog that is always trying to eat him, but each to his own.

I tried to speak to Chicken about it, but for the last few days she has been more distracted than usual. It was impossible to get her attention as she’s constantly singing something to herself and muttering about Arky-Ollie-Just coming home. Also, I don’t want to go too close in case she calls me Poorly Monty again and tries to look after me.

Monty

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89. It’s My Bed And I’ll Sleep How I Want To – by Monty

Posted on May 12, 2016 by Mydogslife

As any respectable greyhound will tell you, The Bed is unsurpassed by anything when ranked in order of importance. It can, for some, become the centre of the universe. I have my security work and garden refurbishment to concentrate on, but above these, my bed receives my full attention. I am proficient at arranging it to my liking, and do not take kindly to any interference in this process. As you can see from the picture below, I have everything important within easy reach, including Alive Orange Blob who needs extra protection from Chicken when I am sleeping. It took me 15 minutes to arrange my bed in this manner.

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The perfect bed

So imagine my indignation when Chicken announced that I wasn’t allowed to have such a ‘messy’ bed, now that we were enraged. I told her in no uncertain terms that it’s my bed and I’ll arrange it how I like, and emotion has nothing to do with it. I said that there would be no further discussion about the matter, establishing this fact by going out into the garden.

This is what I ended up sleeping on when I returned from outside:

 

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Ridiculously tidy. Totally unnecessary.

I think I will have to re-establish my position in this household.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty

87. What’s Wrong With Chicken? – by Monty

Posted on May 5, 2016 by Mydogslife

Not an easy question to answer. Her behaviour on a normal day tires me out, but today she really has left me rather confused as well. Our day started well, with a game in the back garden followed by breakfast. When it was time to go out, she let me go first without the usual pushing and shoving, and in the car layed right next to me.

Half way around the lake, we happened upon the starting point of a sponsored run. The organisers had marked the start line with yellow balloons and an overhead banner. The number of injuries caused every year by balloons and overhead banners is astronomical, so I always advise caution. I’m not afraid of such things myself of course, but I had grave concerns for The Fairy and Chicken. For their sake, I put my head down and dragged my unit as quickly as possible passed the offending articles. As soon as we were out of danger, Chicken kissed me in order, she said, to make me feel better. I thanked her for her kindness but told her it wasn’t necessary.

As we got back into the car, I banged my foot and couldn’t help but cry out in pain. Repeatedly. I couldn’t put my foot down. I suspect the car was parked badly in a pothole, or more likely, was momentarily shifted off balance by an earthquake, as I do not normally misjudge jumps in this way. Chicken immediately came to comfort me by licking my ear. Back at home, we played with our toys and she didn’t shout at me once! What was going on?

I took advantage of her co-operative mood, and called a meeting to discuss the problem of Ugly Cat and his spying. I was able to speak about the situation for an extended period of time, with Chicken paying close attention to everything I said. She never took her eyes off me. I was very impressed with her, particularly when she demonstrated her understanding of the situation by stopping me to ask if we were enraged. I replied in the affirmative that we definitely were enraged, and that I was glad that we were of the same mind. I went on to say that we would remain enraged for a short time only, as I had already made plans which I intended to put into action very soon.

Apparently, this signalled the end of the meeting, as Chicken suddenly jumped up and ran off screaming and giggling into the garden. She was hysterical for some reason that I couldn’t understand. If I’d been able to catch her, I would have asked her what the cause was, but I doubt it is anything important.

Monty

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86. The Spy Who Watched Me – by Monty

Posted on May 4, 2016 by Mydogslife
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Where did this come from?

This morning I awoke to find a strange little being on the patio. I decided not to investigate too closely, as Ugly Cat was sitting on the shed next door and I wanted to talk to him before he ran away. I informed him that I wished to speak to him about his following us on our patrols, and he agreed to a discussion.

I told him that I was the leader of a secret organisation and that his presence on our patrols was unwanted and extremely suspicious. I felt it was only fair to tell him that he was being closely observed and his movements were being monitored by members of my team.

Ugly Cat then astonished me by saying that I was the one being closely observed and monitored by him. Ridiculous! He also said that he wasn’t following us on our patrols, but was instead ahead of us as he already knew our routes. I replied that this was impossible, as our secret routes were known only to the secret members of my secret organisation. He then rather cryptically said that he ‘had his sources.’ 

I warned him not to cross the line where I was concerned, and reminded him that I am a trained professional. He was rude enough to laugh, and asked if I was trained to play in mud. When I demanded that he explain himself, he said that he knew all about the mud heads. I was furious by this time! How could he possibly know about my Mud Head Project? I made it very clear how angry I was and although he shouted that he wasn’t frightened of me, he did run away. The universal language of raised heckles works every time.

I have come to the conclusion that Ugly Cat has spies working for him, so I must make it a priority to identify and eliminate those involved. This is serious business, and must be approached in the most serious manner. Despite this, I tried to speak to Chicken about it, but she had found the little being by then and was busy throwing it in the air and catching it. I left her to it, and retired to my bed to formulate a plan.

Monty

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83. Synchronous Diaphragmatic Flutter – by Monty

Posted on April 30, 2016 by Mydogslife
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Disgusting object

Chicken went out early this morning, and reappeared seconds later with something in her mouth. She dropped it on the carpet when she tried to speak with her mouth full, and I snatched it up and ran into the kitchen with it, which was where The Fairy cornered me. Chicken was furious and demanded that I do something about it, stating that it was a nasty trick played by Ugly Cat. I had already lost interest though, having realised I couldn’t eat it. Also, I am more inclined to believe it was an uncoordinated seagull which had simply dropped its breakfast. I promised Chicken that I would confront Ugly Cat at the first opportunity though, as I do have responsibility for security.

I felt it necessary to ring Simon at the Department of Energy and Climate Change yesterday, to complain about the constantly changing climate.  I explained how it was affecting Chicken’s ability to judge her wardrobe for the day, and how much I disliked the rain. Yesterday we set out in the sunshine, and yet again got wet unexpectedly. As far as I’m concerned, that was the whole day ruined.

He couldn’t quite believe that he was speaking to me again, and quite clearly said, “I give up.” I told him this was not the attitude to take, as everyone was relying on him. Inexplicably, he asked me if I was working for a newspaper to which I replied in the negative. I have to say he was very helpful on this occasion, promising warmer weather to come. I thanked him for this, adding that Chicken and I would be able to plan our days more efficiently now that he was going to improve the climate.

I have been so focused on my work recently, that I haven’t paid much attention to my home life. The recent wet weather has meant that we have played more in the house, and when I stopped for a minute to think about it, this has become rather enjoyable. Chicken is now much more willing to allow me to play with my own toys, and we can get through a whole five minutes of frolicking around without the inclusion of teeth and nails. It is all becoming rather good fun.

We recently embarked on one such energetic play session straight after eating, despite warnings from The Fairy. I should have listened, because moments later I was struck down with a serious case of synchronous diaphragmatic flutter. Chicken called it hiccups but I always insist on the correct medical terminology where my ailments are concerned. After ascertaining that this was not dangerous, The Fairy and Chicken spent some time laughing at me. Though both of them gave me big kisses afterwards to help me feel better, and Chicken came to sit next to me.

Simon has been true to his word, and it is warmer today and sunny. I am taking my unit out for a walk, and later intend to do some more work securing the garden. Ugly Cat has taken to sitting on the shed next door and watching us, so now is not the time to be complacent, particularly considering the disgusting object situation which occurred this morning.

Monty

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81. Something Strange Happened On The Way To The Field – by Monty

Posted on April 27, 2016 by Mydogslife

We went to the lake yesterday morning and saw a lot of wildlife. I am not a big fan, as they are an unruly bunch that don’t seem to have any discipline at all. However, we did see a fox which ran across our path and along the lane. It was beautiful and I really wanted to catch it up and speak with it. I was unfortunately thwarted in my attempts to reach it, as The Fairy’s slow pace and weight held me back. We also saw a family of ducks. I couldn’t count the ducklings accurately, but I estimate there being about 57.

I had intended this outing to be a training session and started at a brisk pace. We walk the same route everyday, which allows me to calculate improvement by seeing how long it takes us. Chicken sabotaged it by stopping to sniff every blade of grass. It took us longer than it usually does. At one point, The Fairy tried to pull us off the lane to a patch of grass to allow a lady to pass by with her miniature chihuahua. I absolutely refused to move to the grass, as this was not on our designated route. The lady had to pick up her dog as she passed. But the route is the route, and cannot be changed under any circumstance.

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Guard duty in the sunshine 

In the afternoon we headed out to the field. As we left our street, a cat appeared in front of us whom Chicken said was Ugly Cat. As we turned into the narrow alleyway, it again appeared from the hedge. It must have run through some back gardens to head us off. Half way along the alley, we turn down a cut-through which allows us to avoid a corrugated metal fence which unsettles The Fairy. It is not fair to walk her past it when it frightens her.

At the end of this cut-through is a bin. Ugly Cat was sitting on it. By this time I was becoming suspicious. On our return journey, the cat was again spotted ahead of us in the alley. It was almost as if the cat knew our route and was purposely putting itself in our path. I am tempted to say it was following us, but it always appeared in front of us, as if it knew where we would be walking before we got there.

This concerned me somewhat, as this is our secret walk which forms part of our patrol. How could Ugly Cat know of our secret patrol? I attempted to discuss the matter with Chicken, but she was giggling to herself and singing, “Boom, boom, Chicky, chic.” I wrote a report when I got home, to ensure I didn’t forget any of the details. I will have to take action if anything similar happens again.

Monty

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76. First F.A.R.T. Patrol Planned – by Monty

Posted on April 19, 2016 by Mydogslife

We have planned our first F.A.R.T. patrol for Thursday night. Bob from the Council said he would be there as soon as he had finished the weekly shop; Dave from the Station said he would arrive early to go over the plans in detail, (this coincides with tea time), and Chicken and The Fairy said they were looking forward to it and are planning what to wear. Dave again mentioned the advantages of having F.A.R.T. jackets but I again mentioned that this was inappropriate. The only thing that will stop us now is any unexpected fireworks/noises and any sign of inclement weather. Bob and Dave also insisted that cake be served upon our return to the unit.

We had a short meeting to determine the finer points.

As this is a patrol and not just a walk, the plan was to split up into separate working groups. Chicken immediately stated her desire not to be separated from The Fairy, and Dave said he would form the third wing of their group. Bob then complained about being left with me. (I suspect he has less courage than I first thought, but I did not want to state this out loud in case I offended him.) Dave kindly said he would swap with Bob and form the lead party with me.

Chicken then said that she would miss me if we didn’t walk together, and reminded me of my promise to always protect her from Ugly Cat. I therefore determined that Chicken could join Dave and myself, and Bob and The Fairy would make up the second party. This was deemed unacceptable by Chicken, who once again reiterated her objection to being separated from The Fairy.

The plan was again updated to allow for Chicken and The Fairy to remain together, with me as protector. Bob and Dave therefore, would be on patrol as a pair. Dave raised concerns about one party having two large males in it whilst the other only had two dogs and one unfit female. I was about to argue against such outrageous statements when The Fairy beat me to it, and by the time she’d finished I didn’t think Dave needed any further information.

Bob then reminded us that there was safety in numbers, and Dave highlighted the fact that if Chicken, myself and The Fairy were together this would just be a normal walk. He said it was important to differentiate between a walk and a patrol which I had to agree with. I have therefore decided to join the two groups together to form one big working party. This has the added advantage of us being able to maintain radio silence.

Bob then complained that he had not signed up to the F.A.R.T. just to go on a big dog walk but Dave suggested that they both walk backwards at the rear of the party, in order to lend a more official air to the procedings. This proposal was accepted by all, and I was therefore able to finalise the plan, with the one amendment which allowed Bob to carry a red light.

Progress at last.

Monty The Great

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75. You Should Never Joke About Security – by Monty

Posted on April 16, 2016 by Mydogslife

I was out on patrol with my unit last night, when we happened upon what we initially thought was a barbecue. There was a bright light on in a back garden, smoke rising and a voice speaking. We were told in no uncertain terms: YOU ARE BEING RECORDED ON A CCTV CAMERA. YOU ARE BEING RECORDED ON A CCTV CAMERA.

The Fairy was quite confused, but I was able to explain the whole scene to her due to my superior knowledge of security issues. The owner of the property had obviously obtained a rather advanced security system. I believe it was being tested as we passed by, or had at least been triggered accidentally by some sort of intruder/animal. The light was extremely bright, highlighting the smoke coming from the kitchen fan. Everybody was relieved to hear my explanation, as they were beginning to show signs of panic. The Fairy continued to laugh hysterically until we got home.

This incident made me think about the security at my own property, so this morning I contacted Dave at the Station to discuss it with him. He was more than willing to come round for a meeting, especially when he was promised a slice of cake and a cup of tea. He said that he wished everybody took home security as seriously as me, and that he would consider my kind offer to provide an information and training session for the public.

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Suspect number 1

We discussed the feasibility of installing floodlights and a camera, though he was less enthusiastic about the electric fence and man-trap ideas that I put forward. At this point The Fairy joined us, disclosing that somewhere in the house was a trail camera. These are activated by movement and are usually used to capture videos of nocturnal wildlife. The Fairy said she had used it in the past and had caught mice, cats, hedgehogs and a weasel on it. This has really sparked my interest and I have insisted that she find it so that I can set it up in the garden, my main target being the hedgehogs.

Dave then stated that the chances of a hedgehog breaking into the house were quite remote, and that he had not seen any this year anyway, even when on night duty. This led to quite a heated discussion about the potential damage a hedgehog could cause. Dave disputed my assertion that hedgehogs were responsible for more damage to mud heads than all other species of animals put together. So I threw him out. I made it very clear that I expected a more co-operative attitude from him when we embark on our first F.A.R.T. patrol.

He left in a bit of a mood, but not – I hasten to add – until he had collected another slice of cake from The Fairy.

Monty

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73. Beautiful Rabbit – by Monty

Posted on April 12, 2016 by Mydogslife

Big Rabbit has had cosmetic surgery on her ears. I thought she looked OK to start with, but I can see that she is pleased with the results which is all that matters. Chicken is all excited about this development, and has suggested that I also have some ‘work done.’ As I explained however, there is very little that can be done to improve me.

I was intending to take my unit out on a reconnaissance mission, but it is raining. I don’t want to lead them out in it. It might be dangerous.

Monty

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Big Rabbit New Ears

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71. The Fracking Activity Reconnaissance Team – by Monty

Posted on April 9, 2016 by Mydogslife

Yesterday’s meeting went extremely well. Dave from the Station and Bob from the Council were both in attendance, which I was very pleased about. I had had a long conversation with PC Dave at the Station, who informed me that there was no independent, creditable evidence to suggest that any form of fracking was taking place. Because of this, he was unable to help me and suggested I concentrate all my energy on my Mud Head Project. He also stated that this meant there was no need for Bob or himself to attend the meeting.

I spent some time thinking of a way forward, and then rang Dave back to explain my plan. He was immediately excited about my proposal, and said he would be honoured to be part of it. He also said he would make sure that Bob from the Council was there, as he believed he would really enjoy this.

 

Minutes of the meeting called Friday 8th April 2016.

Item 1

Apologies for absence received from Arky-Ollie-Just and Simon from the DECC.

Those present at the meeting: Monty The Great, Separation Anxiety Chicken, The Fairy, Alive Orange Blob, Dave from the Station, Bob at the Council.

Item 2

The Chairman put forward a proposal to form a working party whose primary purpose would be to gather intelligence about any fracking activity in the area, which is needed to proceed with a Police investigation. Volunteers were being sought to form the Fracking Activity Reconnaissance Team. The Chairman put himself forward to lead the team, and opened up the floor to discussion.

A reminder to take the proceedings seriously was issued, in order to curb the unnecessary laughter.

Dave from the Station was the first to offer his services, stating that it would be good for his career to be part of the F.A.R.T. He put forward the proposal that we have jackets printed so that we would be easily recognisable as F.A.R.T’s.

This was rejected on the grounds that we need to be incognito.

Bob from the Council was the second to volunteer, remarking that he felt he had the necessary skills to make the F.A.R.T. one of the most successful in history. He added to this, that Dave had been right to persuade him to attend the meeting, and that he wouldn’t have missed it for the world. He thanked the Chairman for the opportunity to demonstrate his commitment to the F.A.R.T.

A further reminder about appropriate behaviour during meetings was issued.

It was determined that Monty The Great, Dave from the Station and Bob at the Council would make up the F.A.R.T.

Item 3

A complaint was received from The Fairy and Chicken, who both stated that it was unfair that the F.A.R.T. was made up solely of men. The Chairman acknowledged this truth, but went on to explain that in this area, men have historically shown their superiority. A compromise was reached, allowing The Fairy and Chicken to play a more discreet role, as the silent element of F.A.R.T.

Item 4

No further items were discussed, as by this time Dave was unable to participate further due to uncontrollable laughter, and Bob was crying. The Chairman voiced his concerns about professionalism, and hoped he hadn’t made a mistake recruiting them to the F.A.R.T.

Both assured the meeting that they were fully committed to the aims of the F.A.R.T., adding that it was the best thing that had happened to them this year.

Item 5

The Chairman stated that an Action Plan would be drawn up, to be debated at the next meeting.

Item 6

The Chairman brought the meeting to a close. The date of the next meeting is to be confirmed.

 

Monty The Great, Chairman

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