Monty

204. Amazing Chicken – by Monty.

Posted on July 9, 2017 by Mydogslife

I will be the first to admit that in recent times I have rather lost sight of who I am. I put this down to the shock that my body has been going through, since the illegal withdrawing of the approved a la carte menu. Though fully aware of this crime against humanity, I felt unable to rally myself to action.

Luckily, I have my right hand man Chicken looking out for me. Admittedly, she went about administering help in a rather uncouth fashion, but administer help she did. By literally throwing me a lifeline. In the form of a very large book.

The book which roused me from my stupor was none other than the highly acclaimed 1996 addition of How To Win Yourself A Home And Control Your Humans Once You Get There. 

I cannot believe that I did not immediately refer to this volume! I have used this text during many of my lectures to recently retired greyhounds to great effect. I intend to follow – to the letter – all the instructions given in the chapter about food. The Fairy is no match for me!

 

On a more serious note: teeth. Mine are excellent. Mine are the best teeth that the vet has ever seen on a greyhound. They are made of reinforced concrete and have side-impact protection bars installed as standard. They are big, strong, and responsible for many of the compliments that I receive on a daily basis.

Chicken’s, on the other hand, are rubbish. So rubbish in fact, that she has had to have six of them taken out. She is a little out of sorts at the moment but is recovering well. A bit droolly but I’m hoping that passes.

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She’s in safe hands

She has nothing to fear. From this moment on I will be taking full responsibility for her rehabilitation and wellbeing. I consider it an honour to be able to look after her. She is in safe hands.

Monty

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202. Is It Legal? – by Monty

Posted on June 28, 2017 by Mydogslife

Is it legal?

This is the question I have put to the RSPCA; the vet; the lady who runs the rehoming centre where we came from; the trainer who had the honour of looking after me for four years; the local NHS representative; Bob at the Council; the manager of the dogfood shop we are banned from for weeing repeatedly on their stock, and the postman.

Is it legal to feed thoroughbred greyhounds on grit and builders’ gravel?

The answer apparently, is yes. As long as said grit and builders’ gravel is labelled as dog food.

Outrageous! Where are my sausages? My steaks? My 12 dentastix a day, my cakes, my ham sandwiches, my black pudding, my roast chicken, my custard creams and my ice-cream? I miss them.

Just because somebody with 40 years experience of working with greyhounds said I was slightly overweight, doesn’t mean I am. It certainly doesn’t mean I should be put on a diet. Outrageous!

It’s MUSCLE!

Monty

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199. Election Conspiracy – by Monty

Posted on June 19, 2017 by Mydogslife

It is entirely possible that Chicken and I may not be the Prime Ministers. This is the conclusion I have drawn, after looking at all the available evidence. The official line is that our Greyhounds In Charge Party was never put forward to run in the election. I, however, smell CONSPIRACY.

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Hung parliament 

I intend to continue with my fight, and will not stop until I have taken up my rightful place as leader of this country. Chicken concurs. Our Deputy Prime Minister has literally been hung out to dry. On the washing line. The Mum of our Refreshments Minister, Miss Daisydog, said it was a hung parliament and she was right. Big Ted concurs.

 

For the last few days, Chicken and I have been held prisoner in our own unit. There was some talk of The Fairy saying that the patio was hurting her feet, as a result of which, we are not allowed to go for walks. This makes no sense at all. It is very cool in the living room so I see no reason why anybody would suggest it is too hot to go for a simple walk. I have made my objections known. Unfortunately, all my jumping around and protestations have had a nil effect.

So. I’m not the Prime Minister yet, I’m stuck in the house because of a small amount of weather, AND I have been informed that I am on a diet. Hoorah.

Monty

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198. Top Politician Gives Up Seat Following Cabinet Row – by Monty

Posted on June 13, 2017 by Mydogslife

This morning, I decided to stretch out on the settee to watch the news. This would have been a pleasant experience, had it not been for the fact that Chicken was already on it.

Chicken declared it to be her seat and I tried to remain patient with her whilst explaining that all the furniture was to be shared. She couldn’t quite understand this concept, citing the issue of the cabinet.

She went on to say that she wouldn’t agree to share her seat unless I agreed to allow the troll to live in the new cabinet. I said that the cabinet had already been formed, which she countered by stating that it hadn’t even been delivered yet, nevermind formed.

The discussion went on for quite a while, finally evolving into an almighty row. She registered her disapproval of the new cabinet; the fact that Ugly Cat would be allowed in it; the fact that Troll would not be allowed in it, and quite out of the blue – the fact that I had eaten a roll sausage in a bag without sharing.

Realising that there was no possibility of a reasonable conversation, I did the only thing that I could do under the circumstances: I stretched out to my full size, covered the whole of the settee, and ousted her.

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You can’t watch the news from the floor

Chicken gave up her seat, gibbering on about bringing the whole cabinet down as soon as she had the chance. I will be glad when we move into Number 10. We will have more than one seat and more than one cabinet there.

Monty

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197. Biker Gove Is Back On TV – by Monty

Posted on June 12, 2017 by Mydogslife

The police have been round. By Police, I mean PC Dave from the Station. He said he had spent a stressful two hours trying to persuade the Duty Sergeant not to arrest Chicken for threatening behaviour. He said he was only able to vouch for her as he knew her and her big mouth so well, and under other circumstances she would have been down the Station by now.

Following a very stern talking to, Chicken went off with a bee in her bonnet, and noticeably quieter. There is no excuse for threatening to kick the Police, and Dave and I had a thoroughly engaging conversation about the future of the Police Force.

I came up with a plan of action that will instantly solve the issue of police numbers. It is quite a simple plan really:

STOP COMMITTING CRIME.

Every time someone commits a crime, the police spend hours, days, weeks and sometimes years dealing with it. If people stop committing crimes, then the Police will always have enough officers available to deal with emergencies. I will implement this plan once I am firmly established in Number 10.

Two Britisih Policemen in Traditional Helmets on Crowd Control

We support the Police and all the emergency services 

On another point, Biker Gove is back on the television for another series, which should prove very entertaining. I have been following the news closely over the last few days, and am shocked to find that another political party is also trying to take my job. There is nothing more exasperating than someone who isn’t the Prime Minister, thinking that he is. UNBELIEVABLE!

 

Monty

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195. Election Result Declared Invalid – by Monty

Posted on June 10, 2017 by Mydogslife

I awoke on Friday morning expecting to take up my post as one of the Prime Ministers, only to find that an enormous mistake had been made. For some reason, not a single one of our votes had been included in the final tally. As you can imagine, I was nonplussed to say the least.

I immediately decided to ring the Government, but as Chicken and I are the Government, found myself in a rather difficult situation. As an emergency measure, I decided to ring Bob at the Council.

I had thought better of him.

Bob at the Council said that the results had been officially verified and that there was in fact, no record anywhere of the Greyhounds In Charge Party. Whatever mischief is afoot, Bob is obviously involved and by extension – not to be trusted.

It is clear to anyone with even an ounce of common sense, that the election was rigged. Therefore, in my capacity as Prime Minister, I have declared the election results INVALID.

REMAIN CALM people. I have already started a public enquiry and will publish my findings post-haste.

Chicken is furious.

Monty The Great, PM

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193. Final Decision Made On Brexit – by Monty

Posted on June 1, 2017 by Mydogslife

As Prime Ministers, Chicken and I will be leading our exit from Europe. It is imperative that we have a clear direction in mind.

That direction will be North-east.

We had a thorough discussion about the best possible location, and after discounting all and any area which is noisy, have totally committed to taking Britain further north. Just off the coast of Norway to be precise. Chicken was a little reluctant at first, citing concerns over a frostbite epidemic caused by her bikini policy. I reminded her that once she is Prime Minister, she will be expected to perform at least one u-turn. It’s traditional.

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Our new neighbour 

The decision was based heavily upon information received from The Fairy, who said Norway was beautiful, warm and peaceful. She also said that although it does get very cold in winter, the weather does do what it’s supposed to do. That is to say that when it is supposed to be warm it is warm, and when it is supposed to be cold it is cold. It does not deviate from this. No changing its mind overnight, no surprises, and no showing off by trying to fit in every season of the year into one single day.

 

I did wonder whether we would be accused of not having really left Europe, as we wouldn’t actually be taking Britain very far. Chicken then put forward the idea that even though we had fully committed to moving next to Norway, we could change our minds at any point.

Indeed we may have to, if Norway complains about us blocking their view of Iceland.

To re-iterate our position then: we are fully and unequivocally committed to leaving Europe and relocating to the North Arctic Ocean and/or the Norwegian Sea.

Unless we change our minds.

Now that is what strong leadership is all about.

Monty The Great

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191. Final Preparations Underway – by Monty

Posted on May 30, 2017 by Mydogslife

I am fully aware that I have not been as visible over the last few weeks as I ordinarily like to be. I will not make excuses. Suffice it to say that a rather ill-timed and selfish holiday taken by The Fairy is partly to blame, although she has been back now for over four weeks.

With regards to the election, much progress has been made. Chicken made a rather good point at a meeting recently, which was well attended by every single member of our party. That is to say, both of us.

She pointed out quite rightly (and rather surprisingly considering her general level of awareness of the world outside of her own little bubble) that we would need to have enough members to actually form the Government once we are elected. Whilst I firmly believe that I am more than capable of running the country entirely on my own, I also know the value of delegation.

I am particularly skilled at delegating so have agreed an expansion of party membership with the other current member, Chicken. The negotiations were not the easiest I have ever taken part in, but did eventually come to an end with the following result:

The next cabinet will consist of the following MPs:

Deputy Prime Minister: Big Ted. He is no stranger to responsibility, as I always leave him in charge when Chicken and I are out.

Defense Minister and Head of MI6: Ugly Cat. A controversial appointment as far as Chicken is concerned, but he does have a good spy network already in place.

Chancellor of the Exchequer: Mrs Magpie.

Health Minister: Mr Hedgehog. But only on the condition that he attends meetings unaccompanied. (Fleas.)

Education Ministers: Two pigeons and a rather boring looking garden bird.

Noise Prevention Minister: Miss Mouse.

Minister in charge of saying stupid things which results in the Undermining of Public Confidence In the Government: Mr Fox. (I objected to this concept in the strongest terms, but as Chicken pointed out – every Government has to have at least one.)

All cabinet ministers will be issued with megaphones for use during meetings, as under new regulations (which will come into effect immediately upon our election) they will not be allowed to enter my garden. All said megaphones will have a maximum volume level of 1, to prevent contravening new Noise Level Laws which the Noise Prevention Minister will bring in.

There are only a few days left now until Chicken and I become Prime Ministers, so we are busy making preparations. I am pleased to report that Chicken is taking the whole process seriously.

Monty The Great

 

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190. Manifesto Of The Next Prime Ministers – by Monty

Posted on April 29, 2017 by Mydogslife

Chicken and I think it is time to publish our manifesto. We have thought long and hard about what we want to achieve when we assume power, and feel confident that the British people will agree that our manifesto makes more sense than anyone else’s.

THE GREYHOUNDS IN CHARGE MANIFESTO

1. It will be illegal for any Council to insist upon planning permission for anything that any greyhound wishes to build.

2. All loud, medium and quiet noises shall be banned, unless said noise involves cooking.

3. Dog food shall be banned and replaced with steak.

4. Hedgehogs, birds, cats and foxes will be banned from entering our garden.

5. Taxes will be collected in steaks instead of money, and will be delivered to the Prime Ministers on a thrice daily basis.

6. Weeing shall become an official discipline in the Oil Limpets.

7. All lady greyhounds will be given a voucher for a free bikini, which will allow them to make ready for when we leave Your Rope for warmer climes.

I’m sure you will agree that we have dealt with the major issues facing our nation today. We are both 100% certain of victory, and this being the situation, have decided that we will not need to do much campaigning at all. In fact, we have decided to take a short holiday before taking up office. We shall be back in about a week, by which time we imagine most of the other candidates will have dropped out of the running.

Monty The Great and Stand Still Chicken, Prime Ministers in waiting

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188. Official Campaign Photograph – by Monty

Posted on April 24, 2017 by Mydogslife

I have chosen my official campaign photograph which reflects my personality perfectly. It shows my high level of confidence in my own ability to run the country. Chicken says it makes me look lazy and disinterested, but what does she know? She hasn’t even had hers taken yet.

Suave and confident
Look familiar?

Monty The Great

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