Greyhounds

53. Monty Bum Bum Been In A Bag – by Chicken

Posted on March 9, 2016 by Mydogslife

Lasts night in the dark we did go for a walks in the night time. When we did gets to the end of my street, Ugly Cats was there all staring at me! Monty did go all brave and did stand in front of me to look after me. He is so big and brave. I did all decide to marry him again.

On the walks we did see five cats and I did tell Monty that Ugly Cats’ gang was following us, but he said they was all just outs socialising. I did checks the big garden before going to sleep and Ugly Cats was not there.

Today this morning it was all wet rainy and we got all coldy walking at the big ocean. We did walk in all the puddles and did not stop to sniffs at all the smellses because we wanted to get back in the dry car. I did see loads of ducks and they did say it was lovely weather and I did say get lost.

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Opening the higher stinks

When we got home it was still wet rainy and we did see a strange animal all tiny, hiding under the car next door. We did go to look and clever Monty did know it was a froggy and then did show me how they walk by doing jumping jumps. Then we did go inside and he was all still excited and did go and find a bag in the big room. Monty is never leaving a bag alone and always goes in the bag and takeses things out. Monty did do this with the bag that he found, and then The Fairy did find Monty and then she did find the bag and then she did shout loudly to all tell Monty that he is gooder at going in bags. She did say in the bag was the new higher stinks and Monty did say it was good job he did all destroy them, because nobody likes a higher stink in their house.

Monty Bum Bum is so cleverer.

Chicken

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52. Phase 1 of the Mud Head Project Is Under Way – by Monty

Posted on March 8, 2016 by Mydogslife

Today I started Phase 1 of my Mud Head Project. A project will always be successful if the appropriate PPP has been carried out. PPP = Prior Preparation and Planning. My first job was to decide where to build my first mud head (I intend there to be three in total), and then mark this out in some way.

My first thought was to mark the spot with one of our toys, but Chicken took a dislike to this suggestion on the grounds that she didn’t want her toys being left out alone in case they were stolen by Ugly Cat. I then put forward the idea that she could stand on the spot until I was ready to start Phase 2. This was rejected due to the fact that it would necessitate her being on her own and separated from The Fairy.

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Awaiting inspection 

I could not find anything appropriate with which to mark the spot as, for some reason, The Fairy has put every single useful thing in the whole house out of my reach. I really do not understand how her mind works sometimes. How does she expect me to operate efficiently without the right equipment?

My military training had taught me that in an emergency, use what you already have. The only thing that came to mind which was already present in the garden, was the consequences of the illegal fracking. The root system of the grass had already been weakened by the vibrations, so I decided to use this to my advantage. Churning up the weakened grass was incredibly easy, and we managed to draw a boundary around the proposed site for the mud head. It’s not as clear as I would have hoped, but I think with a little more work, the grass will be completely gone in no time.

Phase 2 will involve building up a basic mound of mud before any sculpture can take place. The consistency needs to be absolutely right or it will collapse with the first sign of rain. In order to check its credentials, we brought some of the mud into the house to examine later. Luckily, The Fairy had only just vacuumed the carpet, so there was a nice un-contaminated area to put it on.

Here is the footage of us marking out the boundary:

Monty

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51. Bob, Dave, Duck And Chicken – by Monty

Posted on March 6, 2016 by Mydogslife

The last few days have been quite eventful. On Friday PC Dave from the Station turned up, asking to speak to me about a couple of incidents that had been brought to his attention. One of them had something to do with Porta-Loo Day and the Neighbourhood Watch. I couldn’t quite understand what he was getting at, but I believe that some of the people on the estate have been complaining. It is possible that I have been unfairly missing some of the portable toilets, so I will make an extra effort next week to use every single one. I don’t want people feeling offended because they have been missed out.

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Monty showing his softer side with a flower

The other incident was entirely more serious, and one that I am particularly angry about. Apparently, Bob from the Council has put in a complaint about me! He has reported being attacked whilst on my property and Dave is now having to investigate the allegation. I made it quite clear that I did not injure Bob in any way, and went so far as to demonstrate how I had asked him to leave. As far as I am aware, there is no law against asking someone to leave your premises, using verbal communication only.

Dave agreed with this, but said I should guard against presenting myself in a way that could be conceived as threatening. He said that Bob no longer felt safe dealing with me, and no longer had any peace of mind. I told Dave that I’d give Bob a piece of my mind if I saw him again, and went on to explain how my planning application had been turned down. Dave sympathised but was very clear about how I should conduct myself in future. I agreed to behave in a more restrained way, and went on to tell him about my Mud Head Project. He was very impressed and said this was much more practical than a trench, which was my thought entirely.

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Duck droppings on Chicken

On Friday Chicken tried to make friends with a duck but it ran away, so she had to content herself with rubbing her face and neck in its droppings. I did not allow her to sit too close to me in the car on the way home.

Yesterday we had a day out at Sister’s house where we came across a cat. I wanted to play with it but it ran away. Chicken insisted we had been followed by Ugly Cat and became quite upset. I explained to her that it was not Ugly Cat, but Talking Cat. It can say hello just like Sister! Extraordinary!

Today is Mother’s Day so we are visiting Grandma. If I have time later, I will write a letter of apology to Bob from the Council. I realise how formidable I am, and must take responsibility for my actions. It’s the right thing to do.

Monty

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50. A New Plan – by Monty

Posted on March 3, 2016 by Mydogslife
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Chicken interfering with Arky-Ollie-Just’s assessment

I think Arky-Ollie-Just is a mind reader. He turned up just when I needed him most and spent a few days going over new possibilities for my garden. I was all for continuing with my trench, but Arky-Ollie-Just had a fabulous idea.

He introduced me to the idea of mud heads and moss art. It is a fascinating area of horticulture which I had never heard of before, but one that I believe I will excel at. To start with I will have to build a head shape out of mud, and then plant moss and grass on it so that it looks like part of the garden. Brilliant! I can’t wait to get started.

Obviously I am still angry about having to abort my trench building project, but I am nothing if not adaptable. Being able to recognise and respond to a crisis is what got me to where I am today. Did Captain Kirk ever throw the towel in? I think not.

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Mud head. Better than a trench.

Chicken has indicated that she wishes to be involved in the Mud Head Project, citing her good digging skills. We had an interesting and informative discussion about which of us was better at digging trenches, and in the end I think that she was able to see that I was superior. I was looking forward to the 29th of February, but had to spend the whole day trying to explain to her how it was that we had an extra day. I’m not convinced it was worth it.

I am now in the process of planning my Mud Head Project in my head. Arky-Ollie-Just has agreed to be my assistant, and I may employ Chicken on a casual basis once construction begins.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty

49. I Wants My Extra Time Every Year – by Chicken

Posted on March 1, 2016 by Mydogslife

Yesterday was all an extra special day because it was an extra day. I was all going to do good funner things with my extra day and then do all good funner things with my extra day nextest week as well. But Monty did all spoil it by saying I wasn’t allowed an extra day again for another four years! He spoilses everything.

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Me myself having funner extra day

He did gibber on about every year getting a quart test day more but they won’t let us all have it so they save it up and give us it all in one go every four years and I did say this was unfair and I did want my extra quart test every year from now on. Monty did say I couldn’t do that because then there would be a day that ended before I got up and then we got all in an argument because he is always talkering rubbish that I don’t understand.

Monty is all grumpy because he did his trench wrong and I did remind him that my betterer trench was not near the fence so I win. Then Monty did go all more grumpy and I did keeps going with my extra fun day being extra happy.

Monty did go in his bed and did say he was all having to work on his new plan for my garden, but I do know that he was all sulking.

Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds

48. They Won’t Keep A Good Dog Down – by Monty

Posted on February 27, 2016 by Mydogslife
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I was devastated for a while

Devastated. Bob from the Council turned up unannounced on Friday. And shattered my dreams. Heartless. Absolutely heartless.

Due to the unannounced nature of his visit, The Fairy wouldn’t let him come through the house as she had not undertaken the necessary emergency cleaning which usually precedes visits from outsiders. So he had to come through the gate. By which I mean climb over it, because the bolts refuse to draw back.

Upon entering the garden, he cast a cursory glance at the ruined lawn and went straight over to the trench site. I knew all was not well when he shook his head and made that hissing noise through his teeth. Then he delivered the blow that saw me drop to my knees in agony:

“It’s too close to the boundary. If you keep digging here it will undermine the posts and the fence will fall down. I can already see into the garden next door. You’ll have to fill it in and resubmit your application showing the trench at least three foot from the fence.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I told him that my engineering expertise was second to none and I would never make the mistake of compromising the stability of the perimeter fence, but he said rules have to be adhered to. This I accept, but his unwillingness to trust my professional expertise, I do not. Which I made very clear in the manner in which I asked him to leave. It took him less time to climb out of the garden than it had taken him to climb in. Quite a feat in fact, considering his age.

The Fairy tried to comfort me and Chicken did her best to cheer me up but nothing could console me. I retired sobbing to my bed, all my dreams in tatters. Until, that is, my survival instincts kicked in and I remembered who I am. MONTY THE GREAT.  I’m Monty. And I’m great. No ‘Bob from the Council with his Health and Safety regulations’ is going to stop me building a trench. I will simply employ the services of a fellow expert and start again. A new day is dawning.

All I need now is Arky-Ollie-Just.

Monty The Great

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47. The Early Worm Catches The Cat – by Monty

Posted on February 25, 2016 by Mydogslife

I have only been up an hour and there have been three unauthorised invasions already. Three separate bits of wildlife have attempted to gain entry, but have been thwarted by my razor sharp reflexes. Two birds – one black, one brown – and a cat. Chicken insist it was Ugly Cat, and I’m inclined to agree as I only saw its back end, and it wasn’t pretty.

The birds I can understand, because The Fairy had once again put food out on my grass/mud. She really should stop doing this. The cat was walking along the back fence and we couldn’t get out into the garden until it had disappeared, because The Fairy is so slow. I swear she does it on purpose.

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Following government advice

We ran together to the fence in a show of strength to ensure Ugly Cat didn’t come back. I then proceeded to rid the garden of food sources to deter the birds, as recommended by the government. This is all I can do at the moment, but I intend to stay alert lest there be a further assault.

Monty The Great

 

 

Message from Chicken: Birdies and Ugly Cats has no chance.

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Alert Monty

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46. Ugly Cats Is Back – by Chicken

Posted on February 24, 2016 by Mydogslife

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Chicky, Chicky, BOOM! BOOM!

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Pretty Chicken BOOM! BOOM!

Ugly Cats is after me agains! The other day at the night he was all sitting on my fence so I did all run to get him offs. He looked at me all nasty and did then run aways. Monty did not all help because he could not see Ugly Cats again. He does not believe me when I tells him that the cats are getting me, and is more interested in all chasing the birdies.

When we went for a walks today we did see three cats. One of them has been following me for days but Monty says they is just out walkings. I knows they is watching where we all go for our walks so they can steal my toys when I is not in my house. This is all not allowed.

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Monty checking for old stitches 

Monty was all up early in the morning today and did go into the ice garden to check for birdies and poison. He is all thicky and doesn’t know he got exploded by eating the full cake all by himself alone. He all kept saying he had to keep the old stitches out the garden so I do think he is all still poorly.

 

Or extra thicky today.

 

Grandma and Grandad has all got a new pet instead of Big Rabbit. The new one sounds like Big Rabbit, acts like Big Rabbit and smellses like Big Rabbit, but it has no fur. Monty did say that it was the same Big Rabbit and she has been to the big hairdresser, but I did say if she’s just had her hair cut off, where is it? When my hair all comes off I keeps it all over my house.

Chicken

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45. Bad Moon Rising – by Monty

Posted on February 23, 2016 by Mydogslife

I think the full moon is having an effect on Chicken. Last night, for no reason that I could see, she bolted down the garden and threw herself onto the back fence. She then did it again a second time. I was very tempted to go and see what she was doing, but have learnt that there is nothing to gain by trying to understand her behaviour.

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Monty thinking

Yet I fear Chicken is not the only one behaving strangely at the moment. Yesterday morning I awoke early and went out into the garden. Imagine my horror when I found myself looking with disbelief at a seagull. I lie, not. A seagull! In my garden. The nerve of the thing. It took off straight away when it saw me but I cannot believe it had the audacity to land in my garden in the first place. First a garden bird, then pigeons, and now a seagull. What is going on? I’m half expecting there to be an ostrich tomorrow.

We went for a walk last night and a cat jumped out from under a bush, right in front of us. We obviously tried to grab it but as we were out with The Fairy we had attached leads to her to keep her safe, and so couldn’t run as fast as we wanted to. We dragged her along as fast as we could but lost sight of our quarry on a bend. It was only when we were close to home that The Fairy told us to look back. The cat was following us!

I say again: What is going on?

My military training is telling me that some kind of conspiracy is unfolding within my own territory. Let us not forget that I was somehow poisoned a few days ago. There is no telling what will happen next, so I must protect my unit. I hope those responsible for the illegal fracking haven’t found out that I am on to them.

I never expected retirement to be such hard work.

Monty

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44. Under attack – by Monty

Posted on February 20, 2016 by Mydogslife

I believe I have been poisoned. It is my own fault; I have taken my eye off the ball where the birds are concerned and it has come back to bite me on the bum, so to speak. I knew I should have taken more direct action when I had the chance.

Two pigeons were walking around my garden a few days ago, in blatant violation of my direct orders. Instead of taking direct action myself however, I decided to let Chicken deal with them. She obviously failed in her mission as I believe they were able to plant something in my garden which made me incredibly sick. Chicken has told me that it was my own fault and I’m finding it difficult to disagree. I must be more vigilant from now on.

My plan for revenge had to be put on hold yesterday due to a large number of admirers who turned up. They had obviously come to see me, though Chicken found this hard to believe. She also wanted admiring and the visitors were kind enough to humour her. They liked me best, and were particularly impressed when I tried to protect the children’s health by taking the chocolate biscuits off them. I think they really appreciated my thoughtfulness.

Tomorrow is Sunday so I intend to get up before dawn to lie in wait for the birds. I am anxious to rid my garden of them completely before Bob from the Council turns up to inspect it.  I do not want him thinking that the place is a wildlife reserve, as this may harm my chances of getting planning permission for my trench.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

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