Posts Tagged With: Illegal fracking

67. Emergency Meeting – by Monty

Posted on April 2, 2016 by Mydogslife

Minutes of the emergency meeting called Friday 1st April 2016.

Item 1

Apologies for absence received from Arky-Ollie-Just, PC Dave from the Station, Bob at the Council, Simon from the DECC. Reasons given:

  • Arky-Ollie-Just: history related activities
  • PC Dave: chasing a dinosaur through the town centre
  • Bob: on family holiday
  • Simon: “Don’t be ridiculous.”

Those present at the meeting: Monty The Great, Separation Anxiety Chicken, The Fairy, Alive Orange Blob.

Item 2

It was felt necessary to discuss the absence of PC Dave, due to the fact that Chicken could not concentrate knowing there was a dinosaur in the vicinity. The Chairman (Monty The Great) reassured her that PC Dave would deal with it and that no people or animals were in any danger. The Fairy put forward a proposal that it was an April Fools joke, but this was dismissed by the Chairman on the grounds that police officers never joke about public safety.

Item 3

The unexplained hole was explained by the Chairman as being the result of illegal fracking. The Fairy submitted a second proposal, suggesting Chicken was responsible. Chicken denied this, proposing instead that we blame Ugly Cat. As Ugly Cat was not present at the meeting to defend itself, the motion that the hole is the result of illegal fracking stands.

Item 4

Appropriate behaviour during meetings was discussed. The Chairman made clear that instances of inappropriate behaviour would not be tolerated. These include: shouting, snorting, spitting, sulking, getting up to make coffee, bringing unauthorised toys to the table, answering a Skype call from Grandma and Grandad, and disagreeing with the Chairman.

Item 5

The Chairman brought the meeting to a close due to extended periods of inappropriate behaviour. It was noted that Alive Orange Blob had behaved impeccably and was therefore voted in as Vice Chairman, despite objections from The Fairy and Chicken.

The Chairman resolved this issue by drawing their attention to the last example of inappropriate behaviour listed in Item 4.

Item 6

The date of the next meeting was set for Friday 8th April 2016.

Meeting abandoned at 1430 hrs.

 

Monty The Great, Chairman

 

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , , ,

66. Further Hole Discovered – by Monty

Posted on March 31, 2016 by Mydogslife
image

Unexplained hole which appeared in the same spot where Chicken had been sunbathing

There appears to be a communication problem with the kitchen staff. Although I order well in advance, I keep being presented with dog food concoctions instead of steak. Due to other pressing matters however, I will have to deal with this at a later date.

image

Chicken sunbathing in safer times

It seems the ground is far more unstable than I had thought. Another large hole has opened up overnight in the exact spot where Chicken had been sunbathing. I’m worried that the whole garden will disintegrate if something is not done quickly, and it would be tragic if Chicken disappeared into a hole in the ground. I might need to cordon off the garden for safety’s sake. Chicken tried to blame it on Ugly Cat, who she says has been watching her again, but I doubt it has the necessary skill to dig such a deep hole. It is more likely to be the result of the illegal fracking and it is high time this was stopped.

image

Protecting orange toy

I intend calling an emergency meeting in the near future. Arky-Ollie-Just, PC Dave from the Station, Bob at the Council and Simon from the DECC will all be invited. Chicken will be in attendance but will be given strict instructions not to say anything.

Speaking of Chicken, she has been working hard during our training sessions and I am pleased with the progress she is making. She has developed an obsession with my new orange toy however, so I am having to carry it around with me everywhere. This is just to keep it safe though; not because I am in love with it.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , , , ,

41. A Good Start To The Day – by Monty

Posted on February 17, 2016 by Mydogslife

I have worked out what pleases The Fairy most by watching her interaction with Chicken. Chicken makes loads of mess with her blood all over the walls; The Fairy spends four hours cleaning it up; Chicken gets extra hugs and kisses by way of thanks. Obviously, The Fairy was thanking her for providing the extra housework. Now that I have worked this out with my superior intellect, I intend to act upon it.

Today I got up at half past five and indicated that I wished to go out into the garden. But because it was raining, I decided against relieving myself outside. There really isn’t any point taking risks when it is not necessary. Also, I scored my first points of the day by giving her the satisfaction of cleaning it up. I’m not quite sure how the payment system works yet, as I didn’t get my extra cuddle straight away.

After breakfast, I rang Bob at the Council and told him we needed to have an urgent meeting about the planning permission for my trench. I think that like Simon at the DECC, he has also been on holiday because he said at least he’d had a break for a couple of weeks. He went on to say that my application was in the system and all I could do was wait, and that there really wasn’t any point in me ringing him, as there was nothing he could do to speed up the process.

I told him that in order for Simon at the DECC to investigate the illegal fracking, I needed an incident number from PC Dave at the station, and I couldn’t get that until I had planning permission in place for the trench.

Bob was astonished that I had managed to speak to Simon at the DECC and stunned into silence when I informed him that I had used Simon’s private mobile. He became quite anxious about this and asked if his name had been mentioned during the conversation. I had to admit that I had neglected to tell Simon at the DECC that Bob at the Council had recommend I ring him. I apologised and told Bob that I would ring Simon back and let him know.

image

Chicken’s bandaged tail

For some reason, (I suspect modesty) Bob begged me never to implicate him and said that if I keep his contribution secret, he would do everything in his power to speed up the planning application. He also said that as the trench was still in fact just a hole, the police wouldn’t really be interested in the paperwork anyway, and I should go ahead and call them back.

I told him that I didn’t want PC Dave turning up at my house until The Fairy had cleaned all the blood off the walls. He said he would ring me back.

I am very pleased at how the day has started.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

37. First contact with the police – by Monty

Posted on February 12, 2016 by Mydogslife

First and foremost, I’d like to put it on record that I have the upmost respect for all our men and women who serve in the police force. I have every confidence that they will eventually apprehend those responsible for the illegal fracking, though I fully appreciate that the lack of witnesses and viable evidence may prove problematic.

image

Awkward conversation 

First contact started a little bit awkwardly, as apparently, 999 is not an appropriate number to dial unless there is immediate danger of some kind. Having ascertained this, I redialed and was connected to an operator at the local station, who put me on to PC Dave from the dog section . The conversation went something like this:

MONTY: I’d like to report some illegal fracking, please.

PC DAVE: Illegal what?

MONTY: Fracking.

PC DAVE: Fracking?

MONTY: Fracking.

PC DAVE: Are you involved in the mining business yourself, sir?

MONTY: No. But I am digging a trench.

PC DAVE: A trench?

MONTY: Yes, a trench.

PC DAVE: What kind of trench?

MONTY: A large one. I anticipate it will run the whole length of the garden.

PC DAVE: And for what purpose are you digging this trench, sir?

MONTY: Does it matter?

PC DAVE: It might. I’m just trying to ascertain your reasons for digging a trench. You’re not planning on using it for any kind of anti-social behaviour are you?

MONTY: How dare you! I’ve never been anti-social in my life.

PC DAVE: There’s no need to become defensive, sir. I’m just conducting basic enquiries. You have to admit, it’s a little unusual to build a trench in a suburban garden.

MONTY: I have my reasons.

PC DAVE: I’m sure you do, sir. Do you also have planning permission?

 

It was at this point, unfortunately, that the phone failed. I decided against ringing back today. I feel satisfied that I have made an initial enquiry and will speak with PC Dave again in the near future.

I have also determined to re-establish contact with Bob at The Council to chase up my planning application. Not because I am worried about it, I just feel it’s time to conclude business on that front.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: ,

36. Further action needed – by Monty

Posted on February 10, 2016 by Mydogslife

I have been very successful at keeping the birds out of my garden. The brown bird has only appeared once but there have been two unauthorised fence landings by a rather overweight pigeon, which is worrying. In addition to this, a mouse tried to gain entry under the fence, but soon scarpered when it spotted me.

image

Information gathering at the local wildlife reserve

I say that I have been very successful, as Chicken is being no help at all. She has gone off at a tangent and is insisting that an ugly cat is targeting her. I have seen no evidence of a cat in my garden, nor do I believe I ever will. The local wildlife has no doubt circulated my photo by now, along with a warning about how formidable I am. I do not anticipate any wildlife related problems at the moment, though I do need to keep my eye on that pigeon.

There is only so much that one dog can do, and I’m in danger of becoming overwhelmed with responsibility. I cannot hold the fort in my back garden at the same time as investigating the illegal fracking, and chasing up the planning permission for my trench. There simply is too much paperwork involved. For this reason, I decided once more to contact Simon at the DECC.

Apparently, his secretary has resigned and left by mutual agreement. I have to say, the office seems to be very efficient, as the new secretary had already been made aware of me, though she used the word ‘warned’ by mistake. She said that Simon was unable to help me unless I had an incident number from the local police. I thanked her for this information and said I would report the illegal fracking to them.

I can’t believe I didn’t think of it before.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

32. Threat level SEVERE – by Monty

Posted on February 4, 2016 by Mydogslife

I have been on high alert since dawn and have raised the threat level from substantial to severe. My garden has been classified as a construction site since last Autumn when I first started my trench, and as such is subject to current Health and Safety regulations which means I’m responsible for the safety of anyone who enters it. It has been particularly important to control access to the site recently, due to the instability caused by the illegal fracking.

image

Guard duty

This morning, I received some intelligence from Chicken, stating that someone was attempting to access the premises. A quick scan of the perimeter fence revealed the perpetrator to be a wild garden bird of average proportions, sporting brown plumage. I estimated the weight of the bird to be not very much, but could also see the potential threat it represented.

My military training had taught me never to underestimate the enemy. Although one single bird would be unlikely to have any impact, 500 could quite easily cause the whole garden to collapse. It is common knowledge that birds of a feather flock together, so it is imperative that I get rid of this bird before it returns with its friends.

Unfortunately, The Fairy is working against me on this one, and for some reason is encouraging their presence by putting out food! She really is impossible at times. Chicken, on the other hand, has really stepped up to the plate and is proving to be an invaluable asset. First response was for us to get rid of the food, which we accomplished pretty quickly. We then ran around barking at the fence, and the bird had the intelligence to fly away.

image

Restricting access to food sources

I have now retired to my bed to plan my counterattack. The Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs has issued the following advice for anyone whose property is attacked by wild birds:

What you can do without a licence

You must first try to resolve your wild bird problem using standard bird management options. You should try:

1. scaring the birds away using visual (eg scarecrows) or audible devices (including shooting to scare) PRIORITY
2. restricting access to food sources MANAGEABLE
3. stopping birds from roosting or nesting on your buildings or land by putting netting over vulnerable areas INTERESTING
4. managing nearby habitat to make it less attractive to birds N/A
5. maintaining a human presence around the site to deter birds POSSIBLE
6. using physical barriers to keep birds away DEFINITELY

I will draw upon this, and my extensive military experience, to plan my campaign against the local bird population. I will keep you informed of my progress.

MONTY THE GREAT

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , ,

30. Professional integrity – by Arky-Ollie-Just

Posted on February 2, 2016 by Mydogslife

In the interests of professional credibility, reputation and of acquiring a job in the future, I would like to disassociate myself from Monty’s ludicrous illegal fracking theory. In no way do I support any of his arguments and I have never said anything to him to suggest that I do. Nor have I found any evidence to support his idea.

I do not want to disassociate myself from Monty himself, because as a greyhound I think he’s wonderful. He’s one of the greatest retired racing greyhounds I’ve ever met. But come on, Monty! Illegal fracking?

IT’S JUST CHICKEN, YOU DUNDERHEAD.

IT’S ALWAYS BEEN JUST CHICKEN.

She’s digging up your garden, mate. Deal with it.

Arky-Ollie-Just

P.S. Put your hand up if you looked up agrostology on the Internet.

A reply from Monty:

‘When a true genius appears in the world, you can know him by this sign; the dunces are all in confederacy against him.’  John Kennedy Toole

Categories: Arky-Ollie-Just, Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

29. Clear evidence of illegal fracking – by Monty

Posted on February 1, 2016 by Mydogslife

I absolutely knew I was correct. There is, in my professional opinion, indisputable evidence that illegal fracking is taking place in the locality and it is having a direct, detrimental effect on my back garden. I intend to present my evidence to Simon at the DECC as soon as I have compiled a full report.

Although I haven’t felt them myself, there have obviously been quite strong earth tremors occurring. These have been strong enough to cause the football to roll into my trench. I have taken photographs from several different angles as I may need to present them as evidence in court at a letter date.

In addition to this, a new sinkhole has appeared in a different area of the garden and I have serious concerns about the foundations of the house, as it is only about one yard from the outer wall of my bedroom. Chicken was barking some rubbish at me about ownership of the site, so I had to enlighten her to the fact that nobody can claim ownership of a hole as, by definition, there’s nothing there. Ref: Arky-Ollie-Just January 8, 2016. GIC Press. 

image

Exhibit A

image

Exhibit B

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The last clue suggesting underground disturbance is a lot more subtle, and could have easily been missed by someone less astute than myself. Luckily, I have an interest in, and extensive knowledge of agrostology, which is the scientific study of grasses. When I first moved in, the back garden was covered in thick, healthy grass. In recent times however, the quality and quantity have reduced dramatically and I believe this is due to root damage, caused by underground vibrations. This deterioration began at the same time as the erosion to my trench, which I believe lends credibility to my illegal fracking theory.

image

Exhibit C

image

Exhibit D

Interestingly, though of no importance, it also coincides with the arrival of Chicken.

Monty BSc

 

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

Blog at WordPress.com.