Oh dear.
I think I am going to need a bigger boat.
Monty
Monty
270. Living With An Angry Chicken – by Monty
She’s furious. Absolutely furious.
I have no idea why but it seems to be something to do with the landscape and a clock. Give me patience! Whatever the reason, it has mercifully got nothing to do with me. I have been on the receiving end of her fury however, so I am keeping a low profile. Telling her to calm down is apparently not an appropriate comment. I have tried to communicate with her through the medium of speech but at the moment she is just a ball of spitting, shouting and kicking.
Spring is on the way so hopefully that will cheer her up as she has developed an interest in flowers recently. It is my intention to teach her how to develop her own allotment so she can grow her own. It will give her something to focus on. My first mention of this project was met with a little hesitation. There was some language.
Monty The Great
260. Keeping A Cool Head – by Monty
Chicken’s head has fallen off.
She has had some sort of verbal altercation with Ugly Cat which has left her quite distressed. By which I mean angry.
Best to let her calm down
I do not mind cats myself and have found Ugly Cat to be generally agreeable and, on occasion, helpful with regards my security work. He doesn’t often come into my garden, preferring to sit on the shed roof next door.
For some reason however, he has decided to associate himself with Ugly Kitten who is still rather small, despite being over a year old. Ugly Kitten does come into my garden – sometimes during daylight hours. Ugly Kitten has not yet acquired any dignity, nor self-control. I do not know what it is that makes him bounce off the fences and ricochet off various obstacles in my garden, but it is a sure way of getting oneself eaten.
To all cats everywhere, and to Ugly Kitten in particular, I offer this advice:
Choose a direction. Just one. Stick to it.
It’s not difficult.
Monty The Great
Categories: Greyhounds, Monty
Tags: Cats, Ugly Cat, Wildlife
259. Sausage Hunt – by Monty
I would like to dedicate this post to all the wonderful and brave people in the NHS, emergency services, social care and key workers who are still going out to work to help us all. THANK YOU ❤️
Monty The Great
Categories: Greyhounds, Monty
Tags: Food, Sausages
257. New Year, New Me – by Monty
I awoke this morning to find that we had left Europe.
Nearly.
Chicken looked out into the garden and announced that it made no difference at all as it was still cold. She had expected us to move a little closer to the Caribbean once we left Europe, though as there is still a long way to go so to speak, has not yet given up hope of wearing her bikini.
As you know, I am not one to occupy my time with frivolous activities, so I recently organised a squirrel hunt for Chicken and I. Showing my usual generosity, I allowed The Fairy to accompany us. Her training is progressing well and I have allowed Chicken to let go of The Fairy’s lead. I, of course, am always still attached to her as there is no guarantee that she will not wonder off on her own and be found twenty miles away, a week later.
Max and Tilly
Imagine my surprise when instead of finding squirrels in the woods, we actually found a couple of greyhounds who were doing an excellent job of impersonating us! Chicken was convinced that they actually were us and, having decided she didn’t like herself, went off with her heckles up. To be fair, she did make a bit of an effort which was fortuitous for all involved.
Tilly
The two ladies who were with the dogs were lovely and kept The Fairy well engaged whilst I swapped details with the hounds. I’m sure you will join me in congratulating Max and Tilly for being so incredibly attractive.
Monty The Great
Categories: Greyhounds, Monty
Tags: Training, Wildlife
256. NO! – by Monty
Just NO.
You have too much time on your hands.
Get a job.
This dog is not for dressing. That’s what we have Chicken for.
Monty
Categories: Greyhounds, Monty
Tags: Christmas
255. No Pain, No Gain – by Monty
I understand that the current political situation is one that demands my attention, but I have recently been pre-occupied with something that I’m sure you will agree, is much more important than the future of Britain: The Mud Head Project.
Yes people – my Mud Head is back on the menu!
After much debate, I conceded to my digging pit being removed in order to have my Mud Head take centre stage right in the middle of the garden. Whilst I accept this, it is nonetheless very painful.
Goodbye old friend. You have served me well.
Digging pit: June 2016 to September 2019
Monty
Categories: Greyhounds, Monty
Tags: Mud Head Project
253. Will The Real Crumble Please Stand Up – by Monty
I really do hope that Chicken is never called to court as a witness.
Crumble the cat
Monty
Categories: Greyhounds, Monty
Tags: Cats, Crumble
252. Britain Beats Every Other Country In The World – by Monty
Britain has won the Global Voting Competition, coming first in almost every category including: Most Frequent Voting; Best Excuse For Voting; Worst Excuse For Voting; Most Meaningless Vote, and Greatest Number Of Repeated Votes For Exactly The Same Thing. It was also awarded the Country Most Likely To Have Another Vote Before The End Of The Day trophy.
We are all feeling very proud.
We recently spent the day with Sister at Grandma and Grandad’s house, as I am supervising the building of a new pond. It dawned on me that whilst we see Sister, we no longer visit her house. I was perplexed by this, so surreptitiously sent Chicken to mingle with them to see if she could glean some information regarding this matter.
Who wouldn’t eat the crumble?
I will not pretend that I understood everything that Chicken said, but she appeared to be reporting that Sister always has a fruit crumble in her house, and The Fairy is worried – quite rightly, I concede – that Chicken and I would eat it.
I have called a meeting with The Fairy to clarify some of the finer points. Sister is always so kind to us, that I find it difficult to believe she would object to us eating the crumble. If need be, we will have a vote to settle the issue of visiting Sister’s house.
Monty
250. Stop Making A Meal Of It – by Monty
I’m sure that, like me, you are riveted to the ongoing Brexit negotiations. Chicken’s interest is now waning after an initially enthusiastic start. I can see her point. They are making it out to be a lot more complicated than it is. As far as I can see, we have three options.
1. Forget the whole thing, remain part of Europe whilst quietly dispensing with the whole silly democracy thing, and go about our daily lives with renewed energy.
2. Leave Europe but remain close by and go about our daily lives with renewed energy. Chicken suggested settling the country just off the coast of Norway.
3. Leave Europe, put a large distance between us and go about our daily lives with renewed energy. Chicken suggested moving closer to Panama where some of our tax revenue is held in off-shore accounts, but has recently changed her mind when she realised there would be many more 35 degree days.
All round English hero
That’s it. That’s all there is to it and I really believe they should stop making a meal of it. If a meal is going to be made; let it be of steak and cake. Possibly also sausages and ice cream.
The Fairy and Chicken are both making plans to marry Ben Stokes, all round English hero. Yet again, I fail to see the attraction.
Two legs.
He’s only got TWO LEGS.
Monty The Great
Categories: Greyhounds, Monty
Tags: Food, Politics
Greyhounds In Charge 