Monty

243. All Hail The Hedgehog – by Monty

 

My views on wildlife are well known. There is a time and a place, but that time is never and the place is not my garden. I am at odds here with The Fairy, who actively encourages it.

It will come as a surprise then, to hear me praising the hedgehog. There are quite a few who invade my territory on a nightly basis, bringing fleas and …… other things. Last night I was out late and had occasion to strike up a conversation with one such visitor. We passed the time of day and in keeping with tradition, discussed the weather.

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Cleverly nocturnal 

It turns out that hedgehogs have an excellent technique for dealing with the heat of summer. They are nocturnal. Simple yet effective. I have been reliably informed that the only reasons hedgehogs come out in the day is if they are hungry, thirsty or ill. If you see one out in the daytime over the next few days, it will probably be thirsty and very appreciative of a bowl of fresh water.

I informed The Fairy who has placed additional bowls of fresh water around the garden. I also informed Chicken that for the next week at least, we are going to adopt the most excellent hedgehog strategy of sleeping during the boiling hot day and waking during the night.

Yes people – we are going nocturnal. All hail the hedgehog.

Monty

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242. Fake News Training Triumph – by Monty

Teaching is a strength of mine. Yesterday morning I delivered some high quality training to Chicken about Fake News. As you can glean from Chicken’s post, I successfully taught her how to produce Fake News. The news she presented, was FAKE. Fake News. I’m sure that you will all join me in congratulating her on passing the course and writing an article which is of an acceptable standard, and FAKE. We will now move on and never mention it again.

THE IMPORTANCE OF THE RIGHT KIND OF BED

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Being cool whilst staying cool

As you may remember, I have an electric bed which keeps me warm during winter. There is some dispute about the heat setting that should be used, though I think The Fairy has accepted that her choice of Level 2 is inappropriate, and Level 3 is now the ‘go to’ setting.

Summer is here so I have now taken delivery of a new bed. It is a cool bed full of cool gel and is of the correct proportions for an extra large greyhound. There are many different kinds on the market but mine is a Pecute one and works exceptionally well. As The Fairy says, it is of the upmost importance to keep dogs cool in extreme temperatures.

Other animals are available as pets, but dogs are the best.

Stay cool people.

Monty The Great

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240. I Can Remain Quiet No Longer – by Monty

 

Government. Party leaders. Brexit. International relations. Diplomats. Foreign embassies. Salad.

Can life get any more turbulent?

I have been watching and waiting, but have thus far not received any official communication requesting my assistance with any of these pressing issues. I stand, as always, ready to spring into action should the call come.

What is required in these delicate situations, is delicacy. One must never underestimate the power of respect. Show respect to your fellow man and he will show respect to you. Remain discreet in order to gain his trust. Show restraint at all times. Associate only with those who share your good character and avoid those who revel in sensationalism.

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Back – with our usual energy 

For my part, I have a very small inner circle whom I trust implicitly. I would not make the mistake of sharing my private life with anybody who was likely to blab all to the press. That would be very remiss of me indeed. For example, yesterday I had to endure a rather unfortunate event involving a small animal of the insect variety. It was dealt with to my satisfaction in a very professional manner, and will forevermore remain private.

Now, I must go and find Chicken.

Monty The Great

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239. Do Chicken And Fish Go Together? – by Monty

Today I led an outdoor excursion to the lake. My intention was simply to verify its continued existence and then to get straight back in the car for safety. I had no desire to walk all the way around it. I had no desire to walk a hundred yards. A noise could have occurred at any moment.

Recognising my decision, The Fairy decided to let Chicken off the lead to run up and down so she could get some exercise. Chicken has separation anxiety so always comes back. Like a boomerang. Separation anxiety she may have; brains she does not.

Chicken ran around a bit and then launched herself straight into the lake. She flew about five yards, overshot the shallows and sank like a stone. The Fairy was about to go in after her, when Chicken resurfaced and actually managed to swim ashore. She thought it was hilarious. I thought it was the most reckless thing she has done so far.  Which I told her. Repeatedly.

On the plus side, we had to go back home straight away because Chicken was cold.

Chicken and fish do NOT go together.

Monty The Great

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238. Brexit Meeting Results In A Big Step Forward – by Monty

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Demand for sandwiches will increase dramatically when we leave Europe

Having scheduled my private Brexit meeting for 7pm last night, I quite rightly ordered refreshments from The Fairy. She agreed to provide food and drink as long as I paid her in advance, which I did.

As 7pm approached I was alerted to the fact that having accepted the contract to provide said refreshments, The Fairy did not, in fact, have any food available. She said she could provide sandwiches and sausage rolls the following day but I decided to recoup my money instead. Needless to say, I was furious.

Some might say it was my own fault for not thoroughly checking her capacity to fulfill the contract, but I would counter by asking: WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD AGREE TO PROVIDE SOMETHING THEY KNEW THEY DIDN’T HAVE? She had no food. I say again people – NO FOOD.

Of my money, there is no trace. On top of that, Chicken was very angry that she had not been given a chance to bid for the refreshments contract and has filed a claim for compensation, citing lost potential earnings.

Despite these distractions, I got my meeting underway on time. I managed to push through a motion to schedule further meetings, which I’m sure you will agree is a big step forward.  Chicken said this decision is non-binding as it was not subject to any consultation process. For goodness’ sake!

Next she’ll be saying that Leave doesn’t actually mean Leave. It’s a good job she’s not in charge of the Brexit negotiations.

Monty The Great

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237. Brexit: Not As Easy As It Looks – by Monty

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Is it time for me to take control?

I have decided to take charge of the Brexit negotiations myself. I think it prudent, given the circumstances. As a starting point, I called a meeting.

Chicken immediately declared herself in charge of calling the meeting, and registered an objection on the grounds that it would be boring. I called for a vote.

For: 1    Against: 1

I then said that Big Ted should be allowed a vote and the ballot was recast.

For: 2   Against: 2

Crinkle Octopus.

I then decided to throw the vote open to the public and sent out ballot cards to everyone of any importance. Ugly Cat, Grey Cat, Lion Cat, Floor Cat, Window Cat, Cow Cat, Old Cat and Tiger Cat With A Collar. Hedgehog, Mouse, Fox, Pigeon 1, Pigeon 2, Magpie, Robin, Frog and Mia the Doberman who lives down the road and fancies me. Chicken said Pug had to be included as well because he fancies her.

Having sent out ballot papers to all involved, I received the following replies:

Hedgehog was highly offended that his fleas had been ignored and is refusing to vote until each and every one of them has received a ballot paper.

Mouse, Pigeon 1, Pigeon 2, Magpie and Robin objected to the inclusion of Fox and all the cats, citing the possibility of them being eaten as soon as they turned up to vote.

Mia and Pug said they would be happy to vote if we would also invite them around for a romantic meal.

Ugly Cat said that all the cats would be happy to vote as long as he be able to cast two votes. WHAT?

To overcome these problems, I declared the vote to be of the postal variety. I delegated the job of counting to Chicken.

For: 1    Against: 17,384.

As not having a meeting to discuss my plans is a terrible plan, I have decided to go ahead and have the meeting anyway, despite the rather dubious results of the vote. It’s in the best interest of the country.

Chicken has given her permission for the meeting to go ahead, as long as it doesn’t interfere with her watching Shakespeare & Hathaway – Private Investigators.

Priorities people. PRIORITIES

Monty The Great

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234. The Wanderer Returns – by Monty

Crinkle Octopus and myself have had enough. I have had enough of the noise and Crinkle has had enough of the biting. Chicken, on the other hand, cannot get enough of either. I called a meeting today to discuss the return of Ugly Cat but Chicken refused to attend unless Crinkle be allowed to sit in. I’m not convinced that she was giving me her full attention.

 

Ugly Cat disappeared a while ago and resurfaced months later looking rather worse for wear. He spoke to me in confidence, saying he had been on a secret fact-finding mission to Brussels; his remit being to gather information about what is happening with Brexit. Apparently, he came away a pauper and had to make his own way back home, travelling by night and hunting for his food. This explains his dishevelled appearance and drastic weight loss.

He suggested that he and I form a top secret organisation with the purpose of gathering our own information about what is going on in political circles here. I told him that I would seriously consider it, but that I felt it to be a tall order. If he couldn’t find out what was going on from Brussels, how was he expecting to find out from Downing Street? I’m not even sure that any information exists.

For the time being, I have decided not to tell Chicken about Ugly Cat’s secret mission. She will find it hard enough dealing with the return of Ugly Cat, without adding the additional trauma of Brexit.

At the meeting, I told her that Ugly Cat had been living feral for a long time, but was learning once more to live in a house. I hoped this would result in her showing a little more kindness towards him than she has in the past.

Monty

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233. And …. Relax – by Monty

All is well in the world of Monty. Chicken has relocated to the settee with a rather sick looking Fairy, so I am back in my big bed with Ellie the Elephant.

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Back where I belong.

You may also notice my lovely new Christmas blanket which Grandma and Grandad gave me for Christmas. Chicken also has one which should mean she won’t steal mine.

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Chicken opening her Christmas blanket.

I am expecting a little ‘Chicken respite’ over the next few days as Chicken has a new boyfriend. His name is Crinkle Octopus, and to be honest, I think he has far too much to say for himself. I am hearing his crinkly voice in my sleep.

Monty

 

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232. What’s Wrong In This Picture? – by Monty

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Can you spot the deliberate mistake? 

What’s wrong? What’s wrong? I shall tell you. There are two beds: one large, one small. There are two greyhounds: one large, one small. There are two greyhound brains: one large, one small. How did it happen that the small greyhound with the small brain ended up in the large bed? The large greyhound is rather perturbed. To say the least.

Putting that business aside, I am in an excellent mood preparing for Father Christmas. He is expected at my house before dawn tomorrow and I have already layed out a range of suitable refreshments for him and his reindeer. Chicken does not fully support the notion of rewarding the reindeer as she has not yet forgiven Rudolf for something that he didn’t do two years ago. Or some such nonsense.

We have had a bit of a rollercoaster ride over the last few months involving, amongst other things, general anesthetics, but we are now back on the horse so to speak.  Chicken is beside herself with excitement and refusing to go to sleep so I’m anticipating a very long night. Until tomorrow then my friends……….

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL

Monty The Great

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231. Chicken Legs – by Monty

The practice of displaying clothes in the garden for the neighbours to admire has continued all summer. There have been a few days recently when it has rained, and The Fairy has not taken her clothes outside, thus perpetuating Chicken’s belief that rain is dangerous. I have tried to reason with her by explaining that The Fairy is still willing to go for walks during rainfall but, as usual, Chicken won’t listen to me.

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How to fold a Chicken

Last week, The Fairy was so determined that the neighbours see as many clothes as possible, that she had an outlandish number of articles hanging on the line throughout the day. This inevitably led to a large amount of folding being required.

In a lapse of concentration, The Fairy folded up Chicken by mistake. I offered my assistance to Chicken, stating clearly that I could unfold her in a jiffy but Chicken declined, saying she was quite comfortable and pleased that The Fairy had included her in the demonstration.

 

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I cannot wait to see her walk with those.

It was a few days later when I walked into the living room that I noticed Chicken’s back legs had grown to an unnatural length. I do not yet know whether this unprecedented growth spurt is due to the folding up process, but I am keeping a fair distance from The Fairy, lest she attempts the same with me. My legs are perfect. I intend for them to stay that way.

I am in the process of writing a report about the cats on my estate after some quite remarkable developments. I will publish my findings shortly, once I have discussed them with Chicken Long Legs.

Monty

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