Monty

111. Swollen Eye Chicken – by Monty

Posted on June 30, 2016 by Mydogslife
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Swollen eye Chicken

I have been occupied taking care of Chicken for the last few days, as she has an eye the size of a golf ball. We are not sure what has happened, but her teeth and ears seem to be fine. Her right eye is so swollen that it is nearly closed. The vet has prescribed antibiotic eye drops, metacam and a lot of TLC. I am taking my responsibility seriously, and being extra kind to her. I will be taking her back to the vet if her eye is not better in a couple of days. It does not appear to have affected her appetite, so we are hoping this means there is no hidden infection in the roots of her teeth. Time will tell.

 

Ugly Cat has re-appeared and has expressed an interest in our sloth enclosure. I told him in no uncertain terms that he was to stay out of it. He told me that he would lead me to the field where he believes the illegal fracking to be taking place, in exchange for some play time in the sloth enclosure. I informed him that I could not guarantee his safety, and that I feel confident that I could locate said fracking site myself anyway. He said he would give me some time to think about his offer of help, and disappeared over the neighbour’s fence.

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Work in progress 

More work is taking place in the garden, and the rabbit has escaped but has made no attempt to leave the area.

It really is the world’s most boring rabbit.

Monty

 

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109. Who’s Laughing Now? – by Monty

Posted on June 26, 2016 by Mydogslife

Bob laughed at me, PC Dave laughed at me, Pete laughed at me, Grandma laughed at me, Grandad laughed at me, Sister laughed at me, The Fairy laughed at me and Arky-Ollie-Just laughed at me most of all. Why? Because I insisted there was a rabbit in that hutch and they thought it was funny that I spent so much time staring into it.

But I did not let it affect my self-confidence. It’s all about having the courage of your own convictions. Build it, as they say, and it will come.

The Fairy moved the hutch into the middle of the garden yesterday, and by the evening the rabbit had decided to come out of hiding and show itself. I KNEW I WAS RIGHT. I absolutely knew I was right again. We have a rabbit.

Granted, it is not a very active rabbit. In fact, it hasn’t moved an inch since it first appeared. It doesn’t seem to need water or food or hay, it doesn’t respond to being poked, and doesn’t even need to blink. But it’s a rabbit, and it’s there.

So to coin a phrase: I win.

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Am I right, or am I right?

Monty The Correct

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108. Unity – by Monty

Posted on June 25, 2016 by Mydogslife

We went to vote on Thursday morning and I led the way. I entered the hut to register my presence, then purposely refused to remain in protest at not being allowed to vote. Whilst The Fairy and Chicken went back inside, I spent my time educating two nice ladies about the travesty of greyhounds not being given the vote. They were very kind and, I suspect, very impressed by me.

I spoke to The Fairy about buying us some new collars, as we had had the same ones for a while. I felt that it was time to upgrade, particularly as so much other refurbishment was going on around us. In addition to this, I feel it is time to show publicly that we are a unit. Britain may have left Europe, but I am not going to leave Chicken. Not that she would let me.

The Fairy agreed, and returned from a shopping trip with two fabulous collars covered in diamonds. Chicken’s is black, and suits her beautiful silky coat, and mine is dark brown with manly diamond bones on it. I knew Chicken would like it, but her delight surprised even me. In fact, she was delirious. Who would have expected her to be so excited about such a simple thing as a new collar? It must be noted that Chicken’s enthusiasm for life is having an effect on me, and I now have a better work/life balance. I take regular breaks from my responsibilities to enjoy playing with her, and we even sit together now.

On a more important note, the sloth enclosure has been filled with sand. Chicken jumped straight in it without hesitation, but I have decided to postpone my first exploratory mission until the relevant paperwork has been completed, as I do not know yet whether the structure has been officially approved. I’m not frightened obviously, it’s just that the last thing I need now is to be in trouble with the Council.

Monty

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106. The Big Day – by Monty

Posted on June 23, 2016 by Mydogslife

Yesterday, work started on the garden.

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Job 1

Job 1  Fill in the holes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Job 2 

 

 

Job 2  Empty the holes to check whether they had been filled correctly in the first place. (They had.)

 

 

 

Job 3  Move the wood from one part of the garden to another.

I can’t work out whether The Fairy has actually built something, or whether she’s just made the effort to pile the wood up neatly. When I asked her she said it was a surprise. Ugly Cat said it was a raised bed, but Chicken said he was an idiot because a raised bed is known as a settee, and is always in the living room. The Fairy said it was not for plants, which leads me to believe it is a containment area for some kind of animal.

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Job 3: Sloth enclosure?

We already have a rabbit, albeit an elusive one, and now I fear I am being asked to accommodate yet more wildlife. Chicken is hoping it will be a kangaroo so they can have jumpy jumping competitions, but I said a kangaroo could easily jump out of the structure, thus rendering it useless. It is more likely to be an animal that cannot jump, such as a sloth. Chicken said a sloth would be boring, but I said it would be a nice change from a hyperactive frog. She then went off to look for said frog, having totally misunderstood the meaning of my words.

 

 

 

 

TODAY IS THE BIG DAY

We are all going off to vote soon. I have decided to attend to mark the importance of the event, despite the fact that I have been discriminated against vis-a-vis eligibility to vote. I may or may not register my disgust at this situation. I don’t ordinarily take part in demonstrations, but there is an outside chance that I will wee in the hut by way of protest.

Monty

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105. About Time – by Monty

Posted on June 22, 2016 by Mydogslife

I will be the first to admit that I never rush into things. Prior Preparation and Planning is my mantra, and this process should never be rushed. Further to this, it is essential that all Health and Safety issues be addressed and any elements of potential danger be assessed properly before proceeding with any activity. This includes such activities as going out into the garden, or getting out of the car. You can never be too careful.

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Before

You can, however, be painfully slow, as I have found out since taking up residency in my forever home. One of the reasons I chose to live with The Fairy is that I like a challenge. There appeared to be a lot of work to do in the house and garden, and The Fairy was obviously in need of a good project manager.

Much to my disgust, every project that I have put forward has been scuppered or postponed. My Trench Building Project was stopped by Bob at the Council, and my Mud Head Project has yet to see the light of day. The wildlife exclusion zone which incorporated the whole of my garden, has been breached with the help of The Fairy, who constantly entices wildlife in with food. Sink holes have appeared, and grass has disappeared, due to the illegal fracking activity in the area.

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Waiting to be planted

So you can imagine my excitement when it was announced that finally, work could get underway. Pete Who Can Build Anything is coming in a couple of weeks to lay the patio, and plants and shrubs have appeared in the garden, ready to be planted. A large pile of wood has been delivered, but there are no accompanying plans, so I can only guess what is to become of that. Most interestingly, we now own a large rabbit hutch.

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It can’t hide forever

The Fairy insists that we are not getting a rabbit, much to Chicken’s disappointment, but I am absolutely convinced there is one in there already. Every time I go into the garden, I go to check for it.  My record for staring at the hutch, stands at seven minutes. I can be incredibly persistent when the occasion calls for it, and the rabbit cannot hide forever.

The garden refurbishment is finally getting underway.

About time.

Monty

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101. Expanding The F.A.R.T? – by Monty

Posted on June 6, 2016 by Mydogslife
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Shining in the sun

It has been very warm and sunny over the last few days so Chicken and I have been sunbathing. The Fairy put up a large umbrella, as presumably she didn’t trust the weatherman and was preparing for rain. I will admit to being cautious by nature, but this really was being over cautious if you ask me. Having said that, I do admire someone who is prepared for every eventuality, and this is England, so not impossible that it should rain at any given moment.

I met with Ugly Cat yesterday evening, who was sitting on next door’s shed. He was in a good mood, saying he was looking forward to sitting on my new shed. I informed him that I had not yet allocated seating positions on my shed, but that I had already rejected applications from the pigeons and the magpies.

Ugly Cat said that he could be very useful from such a high vantage point, and could provide me with important information about any activity in the immediate vicinity. He started to tell me about some possible illegal fracking activity which he believes is taking place in a large field next to the estate, when we were interrupted by one of the above mentioned magpies. This bird proceeded to tell me that as a flyer capable of reaching quite high altitude, he would be infinitely more valuable than Ugly Cat, and requested that I re-assess his shed-sitting application.

Ugly Cat then lost control of himself and started hissing and spitting. He was on the point of launching an attack, when out of nowhere, Chicken launched her own. She flung herself at the fence and both the magpie and Ugly Cat scattered. I told her very sternly that I had been in the middle of an intelligence gathering operation, and was displeased with her having sabotaged it. She replied that she had come to play with me; called me boring, and ran off to find a toy.

I determined to contact all members of the F.A.R.T. in order to discuss the information I had received. After making a round of phone calls, the meeting has been set for Wednesday, and will take the form of a BBQ as suggested by PC Dave from the Station. Bob from the Council agreed to come (on this basis only), and I therefore feel it is imperative that Pete Who Can Build Anything visits my premises beforehand. If Bob sees that Chicken has been continuing with the trench building programme without planning permission, he may decide to prosecute. If we can show that we have firm plans in place to repair the damage, we may get away with it.

Monty

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99. Dizzy Chicken – by Monty

Posted on June 3, 2016 by Mydogslife

Yesterday, Chicken nearly knocked herself out. On my head. I was getting my unit ready for a walk, which necessitates putting leads on so we can attach ourselves to The Fairy to keep her safe. Chicken can’t control herself yet, so jumps up and down and very often hits The Fairy in the stomach. The Fairy throws the lead on the floor when this happens, and will only pick it up again when Chicken is standing still. Chicken knows this, but always goes through about five minutes of jumping and kicking anyway.

I, on the other hand, stand completely still with my head at the most convenient angle, as detailed in the indispensable 1996 volume How To Win Yourself A Home And Control Your Humans Once You’ve Got There. I am capable of jumping, and my head regularly reaches heights of more than six foot, but I never hit people so receive nothing but praise for my athletic ability. Chicken simply jumps about like a hyperactive grasshopper.

During the downward phase of one of these jumps, her lower jaw made contact with my skull. There really was no contest. She stopped abruptly and her little head swayed from side to side. The Fairy was very concerned and checked to see if she was injured, fearing that she may have bitten her tongue. Luckily, there didn’t seem to be any real damage, although she was very subdued for a few minutes. Just long enough to get the lead on easily, I might add.

On our walk, she was twittering away about Ugly Cat saying the rats were responsible for the illegal fracking. She said that Ugly Cat has an agreement with the rats, that they will go far away when I am given this information. She also reported that Ugly Cat is intending to cover my shed roof with rotten fish heads so that he can sit on it in comfort.

I think not.

As a registered military building, no unauthorised entry will be allowed. Not even on the roof. My shed will be protected by all the latest security features, including the most up to date wildlife detection alarm system available. In addition to this, there will be two guard dogs: myself, and dizzy Chicken.

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Possibly needs work

Arky-Ollie-Just came over and issued a harsh assessment on the garden. He said that he had recently been at the site of an ancient settlement which had been abandoned 2000 years ago, and that their garden was in a better state than ours. He also insisted that the holes be filled in, before one of us falls into one and breaks our legs. I told him that I would never be so complacent as to fall into one of the holes, and that only an idiot would do so.

The Fairy fell into one whilst cutting the grass/mud. I will get onto it straight away.

Monty

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97. Chicken’s Special Poo – by Monty

Posted on June 1, 2016 by Mydogslife
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Special Chicken

Almost all of my walks are ruined by Chicken, who refuses to just walk. We can only manage a short distance before we have to stop to allow her to sniff something. She is particularly good at sniffing out discarded food along the alleyway that leads to the field. Last week she ate the remnants of two beef burgers, a baguette and quite a lot of chips. The Fairy tries to stop her and always tells her to drop it, because she is worried it will make her sick. I’m inclined to agree. Why bother eating food off the floor when there is so much available in the house, if only you are willing to put in a little effort.

One thing neither of us eat however, is poo. I seem to remember reading somewhere that this has a name and a reason, but neither of us do it. So imagine our surprise when on the way to the field, Chicken picked up a piece of poo! She dropped it immediately when told to, but picked it up again on the way home. The very same piece! The following day she did exactly the same. Four times she picked it up. The Fairy said there must be something very special about it, as Chicken only picked up that one, and none of the others, of which there are many.

When the same thing happened the following day, The Fairy decided to have a look at it. It was only then, that she realised why it was so special. The special poo was, in fact, a dried rat. I was shocked to find that Chicken showed no sign of embarrassment when this was pointed out to her. Disgraceful. I’m glad she’s not married to me. I would hate to think that a wife of mine would deem it acceptable to pick up dried food from the floor.

Pete is coming over soon to discuss building a patio. Apparently, he is capable of building, erecting, fixing or making anything. I have already drawn up a plan of what I want, so the meeting shouldn’t take long. Dave from the Station wants to be present when it is built in case he can help, (I think he is expecting a sausage sandwich) and Arky-Ollie-Just insisted on being here in case we unearth a stone monument of some description whilst digging the foundations. Chicken is very excited about it, and has already started on the aforementioned foundations.

Monty

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96. Wildlife Roundup – by Monty

Posted on May 28, 2016 by Mydogslife

Yesterday I was head-butted by a cat. It was a grey tabby, who I had met once before last August. The first time I saw it, it ran across the road to me and sprawled on the pavement on its back. The Fairy said it was being friendly and probably lives with a dog. Last night, it was sitting in the middle of the pavement and we all assumed that it would move when we came closer. It didn’t. It waited until we were very close, and then ran at me.

I was taken off guard, and it was out of range within a split second. Chicken launched herself at it, but couldn’t get to it because I was in the way. We were both on high alert for the rest of the walk, and did actually see a further four cats. There really are too many cats on my estate if you ask me. Ugly Cat has not been seen for days. I don’t know whether this is a good thing or a bad sign.

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Do we look spoilt to you?

We have taken to walking a lot up the hill, through the woods. At the top of the hill there is a lovely view, and a wide open expanse of heathland. All the way up and down the hill, are baby rabbits. At the moment there appear to be hundreds, but I doubt there will be more than one or two left in a couple of weeks. A few hopped off when they heard us coming, but most of them just sat there, even the ones on the path. Chicken said they were ‘thicky thick thick,’ but I am more inclined to believe that they are just lazy, and have only read the first section of The Freeze, Flight or Fight Manual. This illustrates very clearly, the importance of children completing all their homework. If they only do a little bit of it, there is every possibility that they will get eaten by a crow.

The Fairy has bought us a sheep each. I have never met one which is alive, but if the dead ones are anything to go by, I think I may have found a species of wildlife that I actually like.

Monty

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94. Air Sea Rescue – by Monty

Posted on May 25, 2016 by Mydogslife

A few days ago I woke up to find a large spider in my water dish. I was angry about this situation for two reasons. One was that I hadn’t given it permission to use my dish as a swimming pool, and the other was the fact that its attempt at the breastroke was a disgrace. I say, learn the correct swimming techniques with an accredited instructor, or don’t do it at all.

I reported this intruder straight away to The Fairy, who was more concerned with the wellbeing of said spider than with its substandard water skills. I suggested ringing the Coastguard who I know have a rescue helicopter at their disposal, but she said this wasn’t necessary. Instead, she took my dish out to the garden and poured out the water, thus halting the drowning process. Not content with nearly losing its life in the dish, the spider then ran straight at Chicken who stood on it. By some miracle it survived and scurried off into the grass.

On the security front, we had a strange encounter with a cat which appeared to have no tail. It said that Ugly Cat had been in a bad mood for weeks, and that it was our fault. Apparently, Chicken’s failure to thank him for his gifts has left him feeling insulted, and he is taking it out on all the other cats on the estate. No Tail said we should make peace with Ugly Cat unless we wanted to make enemies of all the others. I told No Tail that we were not in any way afraid of the local cat population, but that we would apologise to Ugly Cat in the interest of friendship.

Chicken said she didn’t want to apologise to Ugly Cat for not thanking him for his gift, because he was trying to steal her toys and also, the gift was a rotten fish head which she didn’t like. I told her she had to be more grown up about the situation, and she ran off shouting bum, bum, bum.

Monty

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