Monty

187. Snap Election Announcement – by Monty

Posted on April 23, 2017 by Mydogslife

I will admit to being taken totally off guard by the announcement that we are to have a General Election. I am pretty annoyed by this, as it means there is not enough time for me to apply to be the candidate for any of the main political parties. I rang the Government to complain, and was assured that my dissatisfaction would be relayed to Mrs May. She will probably ring me in the next few days to apologise.

Bob at the Council was pleased to hear from me when I rang him at 5.30am at home, to discuss the situation. He said that the only way I could run for election would be as an independent candidate, but that this would be difficult as I did not have an established party structure behind me.

Difficult – but not impossible.

I discussed the situation with Chicken over breakfast, and she announced that she also wanted to be the Prime Minister. Give me strength! I realised pretty quickly that she was not to be dissuaded, so presented to her a rather radical option.

Chicken and I are going to stand as a pair. The first ever duet candidates. We are standing on a platform of Two Heads Are Better Than One, for the recently established Greyhounds In Charge Party. Chicken insisted on standing on a platform of sausages and custard creams. I say again – give me strength.

We are both very excited about it, and are working on our manifesto which will be published in a few days. Chicken, showing an unexpected level of political awareness, has booked herself in to have her hair done before our official photographs are taken for our campaign posters.

I would like to predict a landslide victory, but do not want to give the impression that I am big-headed.

Monty The Great, Prime Minister in waiting.

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185. Security Breach – by Monty

Posted on March 22, 2017 by Mydogslife
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Totally camouflaged like E.T.

I am lying low whilst carrying out my own security investigation. It is possible that the phone lines to my office have been compromised, and that I am being spied upon. For this reason, I have set a trap and am lying in wait for the culprit. I suspect Chicken, but there are others in the vicinity who may be part of a larger conspiracy. I understand that I have been lax in my administrative duties recently, but I promise that I will complete it all as soon as I have verified the safety of the iPad.

Agent Monty

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185. Do I Look Like A Clothes Horse To You? – by Monty

Posted on March 1, 2017 by Mydogslife

Yesterday afternoon I indicated to The Fairy that I wished to go out on patrol. As per our agreement, she immediately began preparations. The task of putting our coats on is always problematic, due to the fact that Stand Still Chicken will not stand still.

The Fairy took Chicken’s coat off the stairs and eventually managed to tie her into it, despite Chicken jumping up and down. She then did the same with mine, except that I stood completely still with head slightly raised as recommended in the handbook How To Win Yourself A Home And Control Your Humans Once You Get There. The process was still difficult however, as Chicken was still jumping up and inflicting pain with her tail.

We made it to the bottom of the front garden before I realised that there was a serious problem. Hanging beneath me was a floppy white object which was interfering with my stride. In line with military procedure, I stopped dead.

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Offending article.

To my absolute horror, a pair of white, ladies unmentionable undergarments was hanging from my coat, stuck to the Velcro.

DO I LOOK LIKE A CLOTHES HORSE TO YOU?

DO I?

NO, I DO NOT. Hang your pants somewhere else.

I blame Chicken.

Monty

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182. The Grand Re-opening – by Monty

Posted on February 21, 2017 by Mydogslife

Winter has been a disappointment with regards to snow, but I am very pleased to see temperatures rising now as we head towards Spring. Today was warm enough for us to begin work on my garden. I was able to inspect my race track in detail, and found it to be in excellent condition. There was some talk of planting flowers around it, but I have not yet agreed to this plan.

Having tested the outside temperature, wind speed and direction, cloud cover and the firmness of the ground, I determined that the going was good, so I gave permission for my digging pit to be re-opened.

Both Chicken and I thoroughly enjoyed our first foray of the year into my pit. I had quite forgotten how much fun it is. The Fairy made a video which clearly shows my superior digging skills compared to Chicken’s.  Chicken says the parts of the video which show me digging are boring and go on too long, and has suggested that you only watch the parts that she is in.

I disagree.

Monty The Great

 

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181. Chicken’s Sick Incident – by Monty

Posted on February 20, 2017 by Mydogslife

WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS NAUSEATING CONTENT

Food. It’s important. Greyhounds have a very discerning palette, unlike some dogs who are known to eat anything and everything. People try their best to make mealtimes as interesting as possible, but I say this is unnecessary. Just give us the good quality food we deserve and leave it at that.

The Fairy, for example, likes to hide our food under handfuls of dog food thus forcing us to sort through it and dig for the good stuff. She thinks we enjoy this added challenge whereas we think it just slows the whole process down. Chicken digs around with her nose until she finds the real food, but I have a more efficient method which involves taking the dog food out with my mouth and spitting it on the floor first.

When we eat, we concentrate on our own bowls and there isn’t a problem. When something of high value is involved however, Chicken becomes very possessive and stressed. One day, we managed to acquire a croissant each. I ate mine, but Chicken took hers to her basket and sat on it. She was then unable to leave her basket, for fear that I might steal it. Furthermore, she snapped and barked at me every time I went near her. Fair enough I say, as the croissant was very tempting.

Now let us fast forward to the 18th of February 2017, when The Fairy got it right, and we were given pure chicken for tea. We both ate heartily, but five minutes later, Chicken went out into the garden and vomited the whole lot up. A few seconds later, I decided to go out, and when the door was opened, Chicken pushed passed me and flew out to take up a position just in front of her pile of sick. She then started barking at me, shouting that it was her sick, and therefore I wasn’t allowed to eat it.

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Where’s my chicken?

Her possessiveness over high value food even extends to things she has already eaten and subsequently rejected. What on earth made her think I would want to eat the chicken that she had razzed all over the grass? I hasten to add that she didn’t bark at The Fairy when she cleared it up and put it in the bin, so it’s just me that she has a low opinion of. How dare she assume that a thoroughbred of my caliber would eat vomit?

Moral of the story: Don’t come between Chicken and her chicken.

Monty The Great

 

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179. A Week Is A Long Time In Politics – by Monty

Posted on January 23, 2017 by Mydogslife
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Forest Gump could not have caught me.

A week, as they say, is a long time in politics. A fortnight is even longer, and three weeks is tantamount to a lifetime. Britain is about to leave Your Rope; Mr Farage has just left Britain; Mr Trump has just become President Trump, and Mrs May has just bought a new dress.

But three weeks in politics is but a snippet compared to three weeks in the same dwelling unit as an angry Chicken.

I am already sick of 2017. Sick as a parrot.

For the first few days she refused to speak to me on the grounds that it would be inappropriate to fratenise with single men now that she was married to Mr Gingerbread-Snowman. Within ten days she had divorced him on the grounds of boredom, and begun a new relationship with a stuffed raccoon. Mr Gingerbread-Snowman and I were then able to become acquainted as Chicken wasn’t interested in either of us.

It was at this point that she re-established the lines of communication with yours truly, in order to tell me that she was sending me to Coventry on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour based on the fact that I had forgotten that all toys are hers.

I told The Fairy to tell Chicken that I was unable to travel to Coventry as my calendar was too full. Chicken told The Fairy to tell me to get lost, but The Fairy was too polite to pass the message on.

All my efforts at friendship were met with cold shoulders and rather unnecessary bad language, so I decided to concentrate on carrying out some maintenance work on my race track. Although there were some minor incidences of interference, for the most part she ignored me in favour of her new beau. Ridiculous!

I decided to remind her how fast I am because I know she finds this particular attribute irresistible. Casting caution to the wind, I repeatedly sprinted at full speed around my track, thereby rendering myself far more attractive than Raccoon.

She didn’t say it out loud, but I think she was secretly impressed.

Monty

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178. Calculation: Harder Than It Looks – by Monty

Posted on January 2, 2017 by Mydogslife

I appear to have miscalculated with regards to Chicken’s wishes. I am surprised about this, as I rarely miscalculate. I thought she would have loved to have met Rudolf, but before his visit, it came to light that she wasn’t very pleased at all. Actually, she was furious. As was he, when I told him that he would no longer be having a five course meal at my house. Apparently, he had been starving himself for three days in anticipation of the feast.

Chicken is still angry that we didn’t get married on Christmas Eve and blames Rudolf. Although I can understand her feelings towards him, I think it is very unfair of her to also blame me, as I have done nothing wrong, and was planning on marrying her in the near future. When I told her this, she informed me that she had married someone else. Can you believe it?

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Who wouldn’t want to marry me?

At first I was very hurt, but when I found out that she had married a stuffed toy I felt a bit better. Gingerbread Snowman does not compare to me. I’ve been through this before with Jurgen Klopp. Sooner or later she’ll realise that I’m a good catch and come running back. I intend to launch a full scale charm offensive in the morning.

New Year’s Eve was rather spoilt by fireworks, as was New Year’s Day. On my estate, it is customary to celebrate most days with fireworks. I do not understand nor like this situation, and I’m hoping tonight will be quieter.

The new year has started and I’ve contacted the government to suggest that it be called 2017. I’d like to thank all my followers and readers for supporting me and wish you all the best for the coming year.

Monty The Great

 

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176. How To Score Points With Chicken – by Monty

Posted on December 30, 2016 by Mydogslife

I feel very bad about postponing the wedding, and I know that poor Chicken was very sad. She was very excited about having Father Christmas and Rudolf there but was so disappointed when it didn’t happen, that I have decided to give her a little surprise on New Year’s Eve to try to make up for it.

I have invited Rudolf over for tea! I expect she’ll be thrilled.

Father Christmas can’t make it due to a prior engagement, but at least Chicken will be able to meet Rudolf in person. If I’m not mistaken, and I rarely am, I think they will get on very well.

Let’s hope there aren’t any fireworks to spoil the night.

Monty 🐾🎄🐾

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174. The Art Of Opening Presents – by Monty

Posted on December 27, 2016 by Mydogslife

There is an art to opening presents. Chicken and I are particularly skilled in this area, as we receive many presents and therefore have had a great many opportunities to hone our skills.

Something that one needs to guard against, is the strange practice that people have of taking away the actual present once the wrapping paper has been dispatched. A commonly heard phrase is, “You can’t eat it like that.”

What follows here is a demonstration of how to recover said stolen property.

Monty 🐾🎄🐾

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173. Merry Christmas – by Monty

Posted on December 25, 2016 by Mydogslife
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Happy Chicken

Chicken got up this morning at 6.45am to check if Father Christmas had been.

She’d also got up at 5.30am, 4.15am, 3.00am and 1.55am, which was only two hours after she’d first gone to sleep. Everyone in the house is exhausted.

Except Chicken.

We were very fortunate, in that Father Christmas had indeed visited us as promised. He brought us some lovely treats and a noisy toy each. We are both very pleased.

I had a trying but satisfactory couple of days working with him and his reindeer, and found him to be benevolent and extremely jolly. It was a humbling experience and I performed the necessary duties better than anyone else would have been able to.

Fortunately, Rudolf recovered as if by magic just a few hours before takeoff. Personally, I do not believe he was as injured as he made out. It is entirely possible that he just fancied a day off but panicked when he realised that one of his peers was about to take the reins, so to speak.

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Happy Monty

Chicken is having a great day, and is currently wearing a Father Christmas hat. She has been pretending to be him all day, and has perfected the Ho! Ho! Ho!

 

 

Chicken and I would like to wish everybody a Merry Christmas. We hope you all had a lovely day.

Monty 🐾🎄🐾

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