Monty

170. The Downside Of Altruism – by Monty

Posted on December 22, 2016 by Mydogslife

As you may know, I was very much looking forward to my upcoming wedding to Chicken which I have been planning for some time now. Nothing short of a global disaster was going to come between my bride and I.

Alas, such is fate!

I have terrible news to disseminate. News which will rock the very foundations of civilization.

I received a note from Father Christmas early this morning, informing me that he and Rudolf would be unable to attend my wedding on Christmas Eve. Naturally, I rang him immediately to ascertain the circumstances.

Rudolf has broken his nose. I jest not.

Father Christmas said that he was terribly worried, as it was essential that his sleigh be guided by night, and that Rudolf was the only one of his reindeer to hold the necessary qualifications. He went on to explain that he only had a few days to train a replacement and to apply for the required authorisation, without which they would not be allowed to fly.

He has several reindeer with the required number of solo flying hours under their belts, but none who have taken the lead role on a Christmas Eve, which is typically the busiest night of the year. He said that if he devoted his time to the training, he would not be able to complete the mountain of paperwork required by the Council, and if that wasn’t processed in time, he would not receive his flying permit. This would be disastrous for billions of children the world over.

Naturally, and without hesitation, I offered my services vis a vis the training. It was often said of me that I flew around the track, which I believe makes me the ideal candidate for the job. Father Christmas was extremely grateful for my offer of assistance, and after warning me that I would have to work right up until the moment he set off, officially engaged me as Head Coach.

I am honoured.

The downside to this altruism is that I have to postpone my Christmas Eve wedding. I sat Chicken down to explain the situation fully, and asked her to consider the wellbeing of little children everywhere. She was upset yes, but actually took the news quite well.

I am extremely proud to say that she reacted in a mature and understanding way. Bravo Chicken! 

Monty The Great, Head Coach to the house of Christmas

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169. I’m Doing What With The Who Now? – by Monty

Posted on December 20, 2016 by Mydogslife

Over the last year or so, I’ve grown used to Chicken’s quirky behaviour and rather unorthodox way of looking at things. Because of this, I’ve learnt to filter out half of what she says, and most of what she does. I find this a good policy. It saves me a lot of mental energy. However, ignoring what she is saying has its drawbacks as I have just discovered.

The Fairy and Chicken went shopping this morning, so I was left in charge. I took the opportunity to sweep the house for listening devices which may have been planted by Foxy, or indeed any of the local wildlife, whom I still do not trust.

During the first phase of my patrol, I came across a food list which included a carrot and walnut cake, which is my favourite. I initially thought Chicken was thinking of making me one for Christmas, but also on the list were 12 wedding favours. This didn’t make any sense to me, but for some reason caused me to feel a little uneasy.

The next thing I came across was a guest list, which included Father Christmas, Rudolf, Jurgen Klopp, PC Dave from the Station and Big Rabbit. I decided to ring Father Christmas to ask about it, and he confirmed that he had indeed received a wedding invitation, though didn’t have time to explain, as obviously he is extremely busy at the moment. As I was curious as to who was getting married, I then decided to ring PC Dave.

He appeared to be speaking in some sort of police code, and cryptically warned me not to let Chicken know that I had forgotten my own big day. My big day? By this time I was very worried, as I felt instinctively that I should know who was getting married, and had a sneaking suspicion that it was me!

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Can I organise this in four days?

Chicken then returned from shopping, saying that she had opted for the Audrey Hepburn look, but that I wasn’t allowed to see. She threw down a copy of Bride magazine and went off into the kitchen to talk to The Fairy. I only just managed to drag myself into my office before collapsing.

Had I agreed to a Christmas Eve wedding without realising it? Was that possible? I want to marry her of course; she’s pretty, loving, funny and enthusiastic about everything, but I had rather imagined that I would be in complete control of the planning of the event.

For starters, how am I going to organise a suitable honeymoon in only four days?

Monty The Worried

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168. The Importance Of Administrative Diligence – by Monty

Posted on December 19, 2016 by Mydogslife

I am very excited. Father Christmas has contacted me to say that he and Rudolf will stop by to congratulate Chicken and I on Christmas Eve. I presume he has heard of our new racetrack and wants to have a look for himself with regards to using the facility during the year for his reindeer.

Chicken is very pleased about this and says it will be the most perfect day. She is so sweet.

As you may know, I like to have everything in order. For this reason, I went through my finances yesterday to ensure all was well, so that I may enjoy the Christmas period with no administrative worries. It is a good job that I did, as there was an error on my credit card bill.

I have been charged for an issue of Bride magazine. I rang the company to complain but they tried to tell me that it was a legitimate purchase which had already been dispatched. They refused to entertain the idea of involving the police, suggesting instead that I check with other members of the household.

I have written to the Chancellor of the Exchequer.

Monty

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167. Christmas Apparel – by Monty

Posted on December 14, 2016 by Mydogslife
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Getting into the Christmas spirit

Yesterday, Chicken drew my attention to a fox related problem. She is very upset that Foxy has been on the television and is boasting about it. I tried to tell her to ignore him, but she is very sensitive about her appearance at the moment as she still harbours the belief that she is a frog. It is doing her no good at all, listening to Foxy crow about how attractive and charismatic he is.

She has asked me to get rid of him, and as her Commanding Officer I do have a duty of care, and I do not take kindly to anyone upsetting her. She might be a tad prickly at times, but she is only little and I do care about her a lot. I have told her that I will draw up a plan to dispatch said fox.

From my office.

Christmas is fast approaching, so Chicken and I are getting into the spirit by wearing our special Christmas neckerchiefs. I find that carefully chosen festive apparel is a good way to spread some cheer.

Speaking of cheer, Chicken has suggested that we be merry on Christmas Eve, which I think is a jolly good idea. I’m not sure whether she intends to limit the merriment to just Christmas Eve, as in my opinion, Christmas Day also lends itself to jocularity.

I cannot imagine her objecting to being merry for the whole period, and I anticipate that we will have a harmonious and jovial time.

Monty

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165. Health And Safety Protocol Dilemma – by Monty

Posted on December 12, 2016 by Mydogslife

Bob from the Council turned up to carry out an inspection of our new race track, having been officially invited by my good self. I think it’s safe to say that he was very impressed, if his exclamation of, “I’ve never seen anything like it before,” is anything to go by.

Unfortunately it had rained the previous night, so there was some standing water visible, which drew his attention. I assured him that I was on top of the drainage issue, but he insisted that it required further investigation. At this point, I escorted him off my property, having deemed the inspection over.

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Where’s the dignity?

Today, I received a letter from Trent Water, informing me that they intend to carry out a survey to ascertain how water is drained from my race track, for which purpose they require access to my back garden. To say that I am perplexed is an understatement. To start with, I do not allow unauthorised access to my track, and secondly, I have until this point dealt only with Anglian Water, and don’t understand why they’re sticking their noses in. My own research has not yet uncovered any Trent Water interest in greyhound racing. I intend to contact them in the near future to discuss the situation.

Health and Safety protocol dictates that high viz jackets must be worn on construction sites at all times, as demonstrated by Bob from the Council on his recent visit. I am in the rather awkward position of not owning a high viz jacket, thus precluding me from visiting my own site. Chicken owns a high viz jacket which she has offered to lend me.

The problem with this, is that it doesn’t fit me. So I am now facing a difficult decision. Do I disregard the Health and Safety regulations and visit my site sans high viz jacket whilst retaining my dignity, or do I comply with the Health and Safety regulations, but lose my standing in society by wearing a coat with my bottom hanging out?

Nothing is easy.

Monty

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162. Greyhounds Drugged – by Monty

Posted on November 7, 2016 by Mydogslife

The lashed few days hash been a blur. I hash attempted to contasht PC Dave at the Shtation, but can’t use the phone. I hash been drugged, and to make shmatters worse, there’s loadsh of fireworks. Which ish the short of time that I need all my faculshies.

The Fairy shes itsh for my own good, but itsh not. Shicken hash alsho been drugged. I know thish, because she’s shtanding shtill.

I’m sho shpaced out, that I don’t care about the fireworks. They’ve been going offsh for daysh. Shicken ish shtill shtanding shtill.

Hahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaa…….sh.

Montshy hahahahahaha

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161. Because She’s Worth It – by Monty

Posted on November 4, 2016 by Mydogslife

Chicken is convinced that she is a frog. She’s adamant. She is very upset at the situation as she thinks all frogs are ugly wugly pugly.

I was expecting to have an extra hour in bed at the weekend, but Chicken got up at half past four to discuss her lost beauty. As she was incapable of listening to the voice of reason, I decided that the best course of action was to work with her and not against her. So I hatched a plan designed to make her feel beautiful again.

I booked her in to have her hair done. I am so clever.

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The ‘Marilyn’

Monty The Great

 

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty

158. The Usefulness Of Chicken – by Monty

Posted on October 23, 2016 by Mydogslife

Chicken’s capacity to be useful has come into question recently. The Fairy has suffered first hand at Chicken’s head so to speak, but to be honest, I think she should stop mentioning it now as she has milked it for all it’s worth. PC Dave at the station said he couldn’t proceed with any prosecution in the absence of a complaint, and The Fairy said she won’t make a complaint because she loves Chicken and knows she didn’t mean it. Chicken continues to deny all knowledge.

There are times however, when Chicken can be very useful indeed. At such times I am very proud to be her Commanding Officer.

Let’s discuss medicine.

It’s expensive to start with, so people wouldn’t buy it for us unless it was necessary, and of course – it works. If we are ill, it is most important that we take our medicine at the appropriate times and in the appropriate amount. I have no objection to this, as long as I have pre-approved said medicine.

If, on the other hand, I am being fed some new age herbal concoction that I have not requested, I am of a different mind. The label may say it helps dogs and cats deal with the trauma of fireworks, but I say if I haven’t ordered it myself, I will not eat it.

I am particularly proficient at identifying any foreign body in my food, and eating around it. Due to this, The Fairy has taken to hiding the tablets inside cheese or meat paste. I suspect one or two tablets have made it into my system, but I am becoming better at locating them and spitting them out. To counteract this, The Fairy always checks the floor and then attempts to re-administer any stray tablets.

The question I was wrestling with was this: Where can I hide the wet and sticky spit-out tablet?

Enter Chicken:

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Stuck like glue

It took The Fairy fifteen minutes to find it.

Monty

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157. Grievous Bodily Harm By Chicken – by Monty

Posted on October 20, 2016 by Mydogslife

INCIDENT REPORT

ATTENDING OFFICER: Monty The Great

LOCATION: The corridor

NATURE OF INJURY: High velocity impact

CAUSATION FACTORS: Chicken

A few days ago, Chicken head-butted The Fairy and knocked her out. The whole incident would have been very serious, had it not been for my fortuitous presence.

We were preparing to go out for a walk, which involves attaching The Fairy to our leads to prevent her running off. Stand-Still-Chicken was unable to stand still, due to increased levels of excitement and a lack of self control. She was jumping up and down, and during one of the upwards motions, made contact with The Fairy.

Chicken’s skull hit The Fairy ‘s eyebrow area with a force that can only be described as unnecessary. The noise was awful. The Fairy sank down to the floor, but Chicken interpreted this movement as a request for a kiss, so engaged in further head area interference.

I immediately took charge of the situation, citing my First Aid knowledge and military experience as credentials. As recommended by the medical profession, I directed The Fairy towards the freezer, so that she could put some ice on her eye. I did this by pushing her in the appropriate direction with my body weight, a task made easier by the fact that she was crawling on her hands and knees. At one point, due to an unexpected communication problem, my bottom blocked access to the freezer door, but I put this down to The Fairy’s disorientation.

There was some discussion about the differing levels of usefulness of the various bags of frozen items. The oven chips were discarded straight away, leaving three bags of vegetables in contention. The sweetcorn won out, and was held firmly against the swelling eyebrow.

It was deemed imprudent to cancel the walk, as Chicken was climbing the walls by this point, so our original plan went ahead. It transpired that upon arriving back at the house, The Fairy had no recollection of the walk.

Chicken suffered no injury at all, and was actually totally unaware of the incident, which begs the question: What is her skull made of?

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Oblivious 

Monty

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156. Health Warning – by Monty

Posted on October 12, 2016 by Mydogslife

Please people, get enough sleep. It’s important.

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A rough night?

Monty

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