Greyhounds

164. I Is Not Snotty – by Chicken

Posted on December 11, 2016 by Mydogslife

Stink bum poxy Foxy did make me talk to him the other night and he did talkering for ages and ages and I all didn’t listen because Monty did tell me that I didn’t all have to listen to stinky bum foxes. He did tell me that he was more important than me and Monty because he is a film star. I did say he wasn’t a film star and he did say he was.

Stinky Foxy did say that he is on the tellybox all the every night in people’s houses. He did say everyone loves him because he can jump on a tramp and lean but I did say that I was betterer because I could do big jumpy jumps on my own and I didn’t need a tramp or a lean. So I win.

He did say I was being big headed and I did say that I didn’t have to speak to him because Monty did say greyhounds is all too soup area to speak to foxes and foxes have stinky bums. Foxy did say that he didn’t have to speak to me because he was a film star and  I did say get lost and he did say I was too snotty for him to speak to anyways.

Then I did go back to Monty and did ask him if I was all snotty and Monty donty did say that I was not snotty and Monty is right because Monty knows all everything.

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I is NOT snotty 

Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags:

163. New Greyhound Race Track Set To Open In North Lincolnshire – BREAKING NEWS

Posted on November 23, 2016 by Mydogslife

A new greyhound racing track in North Lincolnshire, is set to open its doors in the new year. The track, which was originally expected to be completed by early November 2016, has only just been finished, and is still awaiting approval by the Council.

The ambitious project is the brainchild of two retired open racers; Monty The Great and Stand Still Chicken. When asked what prompted them to build a race track, Monty The Great said that although retired, they both still enjoyed racing and felt it important to do so on a professional track.

He went on to say that he had raced at all the top tracks up and down the country, resulting in him having a level of expertise not usually seen in the average greyhound. He said that he had used his extensive knowledge to design and build one of the most impressive tracks ever seen.

The track is constructed mostly of mud and has state of the art toilet facilities in the centre, negating the need for any greyhound to leave the track in order to wee.

Monty The Great said that he would be applying for a license to hold race meetings in 2017. Stand Still Chicken added that frogs would also be allowed to race, though no explanation was given for this move. A Council spokesman said that a previous application to build a trench on the site had been turned down, and they were unaware that the track had been built. They are expected to visit the premises in the next few days.

Opposition groups are planning to erect temporary green fencing around the area to prevent racing taking place, but Monty The Great confirmed that the owner of the property had fully approved the building of the track, and had no objections to hosting race meetings in the future. When we contacted her for a comment however, she was overcome with emotion and unable to speak through her tears.

It is understood that the site had originally been a lawn, before being redeveloped.

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The new track, with state of the art toilet facilities in the centre.

Categories: Greyhounds | Tags: ,

162. Greyhounds Drugged – by Monty

Posted on November 7, 2016 by Mydogslife

The lashed few days hash been a blur. I hash attempted to contasht PC Dave at the Shtation, but can’t use the phone. I hash been drugged, and to make shmatters worse, there’s loadsh of fireworks. Which ish the short of time that I need all my faculshies.

The Fairy shes itsh for my own good, but itsh not. Shicken hash alsho been drugged. I know thish, because she’s shtanding shtill.

I’m sho shpaced out, that I don’t care about the fireworks. They’ve been going offsh for daysh. Shicken ish shtill shtanding shtill.

Hahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaa…….sh.

Montshy hahahahahaha

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: ,

161. Because She’s Worth It – by Monty

Posted on November 4, 2016 by Mydogslife

Chicken is convinced that she is a frog. She’s adamant. She is very upset at the situation as she thinks all frogs are ugly wugly pugly.

I was expecting to have an extra hour in bed at the weekend, but Chicken got up at half past four to discuss her lost beauty. As she was incapable of listening to the voice of reason, I decided that the best course of action was to work with her and not against her. So I hatched a plan designed to make her feel beautiful again.

I booked her in to have her hair done. I am so clever.

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The ‘Marilyn’

Monty The Great

 

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty

160. Hello Weeing And The Witch’s Ugly Cat – by Chicken

Posted on November 2, 2016 by Mydogslife

WEEEEEEEEEEING! HELLO WEEEEEEEEEEEING!

Hello Weeing was boring silly boring. Foxy did go everywhere and do weeing because he is trying to tell big Monty that he is the boss, but Monty can do better wees.

I did go outs with The Fairy in the night time walk a few days ago and Foxy did see me and did say that it was all his estate but I did say that Monty was in charge because Monty does do The Watch but Foxy did say, “Where is he then?”

So I did say that he was all doing big planning at home and he is very busy doing big planning at home. Foxy did say that he was taking over and I did say he was too little and couldn’t do anything. But then on Hello Weeing night Foxy did weeing everywhere and he is stinky smelly stink bum.

Ugly Cats did follow me and The Fairy, and did say that Monty did have to take charge again or all the cats would take charge but I did say they couldn’t take charge because they is all ugly. Then Ugly Cats did say that I did have to be a pilot to him because he had special magic powers on Hello Weeing night because he is a witch’s cat and he did say that he could all turn me into a frog or make my nose drop off. I did say get lost.

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Chicken Frog

Then back at home I did tell Monty that Foxy did weeing everywhere and that Ugly Cats had turned me into a froggy frog but Monty did say I still did look like a beautiful greyhound to him. But then The Fairy did say, “Stand still, Chicken! You’re jumping about like a frog.”

Now I does have to eats Ugly Cats to break the spell.

Chicken

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , , , ,

159. Poxy Foxy – by Chicken

Posted on October 25, 2016 by Mydogslife

BOOM! BOOM! Chicky, Chicky!

Chicky, Chicky, BOOM BOOM!

BOOM! BOOM! Chicky, Chicky, BOOM! BOOM!

Then I did go out for a walk in the late dark with The Fairy and I did wear my coat because it is all coldy cold at the night time now. Monty bum bum wee wee foot did only come with us to the end of my street because then he did say he did have to all go home because he was busy but I does know he is scaredy bum. When we did get near the big road, I did see the stupid poxy foxy in the field.

Then in the suddenly, Ugly Cats did jump up on the big fence and follow us. He did say that the smelly fox was looking for things to eat in the field and that I did all have to be careful because the fox would eats me. Then I did shout at Ugly Cats because he is stupid and I did say that I was not scared of the poxy foxy and that I could eats him and then I could eats Ugly Cats as well.

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Researching Hello Weeing

Ugly Cats did say that I should calms down because we is on the same side of The Watch, but I did say that I was only on Monty’s side and we didn’t need him. He then did say that Foxy was doing big horrible planning for a big bad night of weeing so I did go home to my house quickly and tell Monty abouts it.

I did say that Ugly Cats did say he could eats me and then I did say that Foxy was doing a Hello Weeing plan, and Monty did say he would all do some research.

I is not scared of any silly Hello Weeing night!

Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , ,

158. The Usefulness Of Chicken – by Monty

Posted on October 23, 2016 by Mydogslife

Chicken’s capacity to be useful has come into question recently. The Fairy has suffered first hand at Chicken’s head so to speak, but to be honest, I think she should stop mentioning it now as she has milked it for all it’s worth. PC Dave at the station said he couldn’t proceed with any prosecution in the absence of a complaint, and The Fairy said she won’t make a complaint because she loves Chicken and knows she didn’t mean it. Chicken continues to deny all knowledge.

There are times however, when Chicken can be very useful indeed. At such times I am very proud to be her Commanding Officer.

Let’s discuss medicine.

It’s expensive to start with, so people wouldn’t buy it for us unless it was necessary, and of course – it works. If we are ill, it is most important that we take our medicine at the appropriate times and in the appropriate amount. I have no objection to this, as long as I have pre-approved said medicine.

If, on the other hand, I am being fed some new age herbal concoction that I have not requested, I am of a different mind. The label may say it helps dogs and cats deal with the trauma of fireworks, but I say if I haven’t ordered it myself, I will not eat it.

I am particularly proficient at identifying any foreign body in my food, and eating around it. Due to this, The Fairy has taken to hiding the tablets inside cheese or meat paste. I suspect one or two tablets have made it into my system, but I am becoming better at locating them and spitting them out. To counteract this, The Fairy always checks the floor and then attempts to re-administer any stray tablets.

The question I was wrestling with was this: Where can I hide the wet and sticky spit-out tablet?

Enter Chicken:

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Stuck like glue

It took The Fairy fifteen minutes to find it.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

157. Grievous Bodily Harm By Chicken – by Monty

Posted on October 20, 2016 by Mydogslife

INCIDENT REPORT

ATTENDING OFFICER: Monty The Great

LOCATION: The corridor

NATURE OF INJURY: High velocity impact

CAUSATION FACTORS: Chicken

A few days ago, Chicken head-butted The Fairy and knocked her out. The whole incident would have been very serious, had it not been for my fortuitous presence.

We were preparing to go out for a walk, which involves attaching The Fairy to our leads to prevent her running off. Stand-Still-Chicken was unable to stand still, due to increased levels of excitement and a lack of self control. She was jumping up and down, and during one of the upwards motions, made contact with The Fairy.

Chicken’s skull hit The Fairy ‘s eyebrow area with a force that can only be described as unnecessary. The noise was awful. The Fairy sank down to the floor, but Chicken interpreted this movement as a request for a kiss, so engaged in further head area interference.

I immediately took charge of the situation, citing my First Aid knowledge and military experience as credentials. As recommended by the medical profession, I directed The Fairy towards the freezer, so that she could put some ice on her eye. I did this by pushing her in the appropriate direction with my body weight, a task made easier by the fact that she was crawling on her hands and knees. At one point, due to an unexpected communication problem, my bottom blocked access to the freezer door, but I put this down to The Fairy’s disorientation.

There was some discussion about the differing levels of usefulness of the various bags of frozen items. The oven chips were discarded straight away, leaving three bags of vegetables in contention. The sweetcorn won out, and was held firmly against the swelling eyebrow.

It was deemed imprudent to cancel the walk, as Chicken was climbing the walls by this point, so our original plan went ahead. It transpired that upon arriving back at the house, The Fairy had no recollection of the walk.

Chicken suffered no injury at all, and was actually totally unaware of the incident, which begs the question: What is her skull made of?

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Oblivious 

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags:

156. Health Warning – by Monty

Posted on October 12, 2016 by Mydogslife

Please people, get enough sleep. It’s important.

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A rough night?

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: ,

155. Why Did I Even Bother? – by Monty

Posted on October 10, 2016 by Mydogslife

As a rule, I don’t ask for praise or recognition for the contributions I make to society. I’m happy to go about my business in a professional and discreet manner; my reward being the safety of my unit and immediate community.

There are times however, when I go above and beyond to make a positive difference to the lives of those I’m responsible for, and for this, just a little bit of appreciation wouldn’t go amiss.

Case in point: my diligent cultivation of the tomatoes. I spent a considerable amount of time and effort ensuring the crop was a success in order to provide a valuable food resource for my unit. A day did not go by when they were not attended to. Everybody was impressed at the number of fruits I grew, and a certain amount of awe was expressed as they changed from green to red.

Imagine my disgust then, to find that absolutely nobody is willing to eat them. They are the most succulent tomatoes due to the fact that I watered them myself, at least three times a day.

Now I find, unbelievably, that despite this personal attention, there is a general air of reluctance to try them. I don’t know why I bothered. As far as I can see, there is nothing wrong with them. No explanation has been given for their lack of popularity. It seems that all that watering was a total waste of time.

You can do it yourself next year.

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I see no reason at all why these juicy tomatoes would not be enjoyed by all

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

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