Posts Tagged With: Ugly Cat

77. International Be Like Monty Day – by Chicken

Posted on April 19, 2016 by Mydogslife

Monty bum bum wee foot has been all big and strong and has decidered that we is all going out soon to start catchering the ill eagles who are all doing the frackering. I is all excited because I is allowed to be doing military action with big Monty. Ugly Cats is going to be leaving my toys alone as well when he sees Monty doing protecting. Monty is so good that today in the morning I did decide to all be like Monty all day.

I did start early by playing with Alive Orange Blob but Alive Orange Blob did start talkering so Monty found out and did come and take it off me. Then I did all start going in the big bag but The Fairy did see me and did come and take it off me. Then I did get a biccy biscuit and Monty did come to take it off me and I didn’t let him.

After we had been to the field I did go to sleep in Monty’s bed and did cuddle Big Ted because he is all squidgy soft which is why Monty always cuddles him. Monty then did say that ifs I stayed in his bed that he would get on the big settee and sits next to The Fairy and be The Fairy’s favourite, so I did gets on the settee first before him. Then I did do an empress shone of him with my face. Can you tell which one is smelly smell Monty?

In the afternoon we did go to the big animal foods shop which has loads of foods in it. The Fairy was all worried because she didn’t want to all get banned from the shop because of Monty. The time before in the big foods shop, Monty had all weed on four calendars with pictures of guinea pigs on them, and the calendars all got wet and the boy who was all doing work experience had to get the mop and bucket and clean it up.

This time today Monty had to wear his special pants so he wouldn’t be all embarrassing in the shoppy shop. Everybody was all watchering Monty to check that he wasn’t being embarrassing, and I did all sit down and do a big wee. Because….

…. today is International Be Like Monty Day, and I was all being like Monty all day.

BOOM! BOOM! Chicky! Chicky, chicky! BOOM! BOOM!

Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , ,

76. First F.A.R.T. Patrol Planned – by Monty

Posted on April 19, 2016 by Mydogslife

We have planned our first F.A.R.T. patrol for Thursday night. Bob from the Council said he would be there as soon as he had finished the weekly shop; Dave from the Station said he would arrive early to go over the plans in detail, (this coincides with tea time), and Chicken and The Fairy said they were looking forward to it and are planning what to wear. Dave again mentioned the advantages of having F.A.R.T. jackets but I again mentioned that this was inappropriate. The only thing that will stop us now is any unexpected fireworks/noises and any sign of inclement weather. Bob and Dave also insisted that cake be served upon our return to the unit.

We had a short meeting to determine the finer points.

As this is a patrol and not just a walk, the plan was to split up into separate working groups. Chicken immediately stated her desire not to be separated from The Fairy, and Dave said he would form the third wing of their group. Bob then complained about being left with me. (I suspect he has less courage than I first thought, but I did not want to state this out loud in case I offended him.) Dave kindly said he would swap with Bob and form the lead party with me.

Chicken then said that she would miss me if we didn’t walk together, and reminded me of my promise to always protect her from Ugly Cat. I therefore determined that Chicken could join Dave and myself, and Bob and The Fairy would make up the second party. This was deemed unacceptable by Chicken, who once again reiterated her objection to being separated from The Fairy.

The plan was again updated to allow for Chicken and The Fairy to remain together, with me as protector. Bob and Dave therefore, would be on patrol as a pair. Dave raised concerns about one party having two large males in it whilst the other only had two dogs and one unfit female. I was about to argue against such outrageous statements when The Fairy beat me to it, and by the time she’d finished I didn’t think Dave needed any further information.

Bob then reminded us that there was safety in numbers, and Dave highlighted the fact that if Chicken, myself and The Fairy were together this would just be a normal walk. He said it was important to differentiate between a walk and a patrol which I had to agree with. I have therefore decided to join the two groups together to form one big working party. This has the added advantage of us being able to maintain radio silence.

Bob then complained that he had not signed up to the F.A.R.T. just to go on a big dog walk but Dave suggested that they both walk backwards at the rear of the party, in order to lend a more official air to the procedings. This proposal was accepted by all, and I was therefore able to finalise the plan, with the one amendment which allowed Bob to carry a red light.

Progress at last.

Monty The Great

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , ,

70. Tax Evasion By Chicken – by Monty

Posted on April 6, 2016 by Mydogslife

Chicken has decided to stash all her toys in an off-shore investment fund in Panama. She has heard on the news that this is where people can keep things safely hidden from the government, and by extension, Ugly Cat.

She has been unsettled since her recent altercation with Ugly Cat, and is convinced that he will take her toys. I reassured her that the cat wasn’t ever going to take her things, but she remained unconvinced. I tried to calm her down by promising to protect her property, but she wouldn’t shut up about finding the best hiding place. In the end, I had to ring Simon from the DECC to get some further information.

I asked Simon if it were true that Panama is the best place to hide things. I think he must be very busy at the moment, as he had forgotten who I am, asking if I was some kind of comedian. He then went on to say that he had nothing to say on the matter. Total waste of time.

Later today I am going to contact Grandad, with a view to setting up a meeting with him to discuss the construction of a safe box for Chicken to use. I anticipate this being quite an interesting project.

Panama has been added to my list of possible locations to move Britain to, in the event of us having to leave Your Rope. It’s a beautiful part of the world, and we’d be closer to our tax revenue, should we ever need it.

Monty

 

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

68. Ugly Cats Is Watching Me – by Chicken

Posted on April 4, 2016 by Mydogslife

Today Monty is all strutting about saying how his meeting was all successful and he got everyone to agree with him. I did get bored after listening to him for two minutes, but he did keep talkering so I went into the big garden to play.

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Playing dot-to-dot in my garden

First I did do some more digging on my holes. I is going to dig loads more and then join them all up to make a big trench to show Monty. Then I did notice Ugly Cats watching me from the back fence so I did go to shout at him. I did say that he wasn’t allowed on my fence and he did say he could do what he wanted, which is all not true. Monty said that cats is not allowed in my garden and I did say this to Ugly Cats.

Ugly Cats did say that he wasn’t scared of Monty so I did tell him that Monty was angry about the digging and that I had telled Monty that Ugly Cats had done it. Ugly Cats then did say that I would be sorry that I’d done that, and that I didn’t know who I was dealing with.

I did all say that he was very stupid because I knew who he was and he is called Ugly Cats. He then did go all bristles and sharpy claws so I did try to catch him by all jumpy jumping. Ugly Cats did then run away and I did go to get Monty, but he did say he couldn’t see any cats. He is all slow sometimes. Monty said he would all take care of me if Ugly Cats tries to get me, so I loves him all again.

Chicken

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: ,

67. Emergency Meeting – by Monty

Posted on April 2, 2016 by Mydogslife

Minutes of the emergency meeting called Friday 1st April 2016.

Item 1

Apologies for absence received from Arky-Ollie-Just, PC Dave from the Station, Bob at the Council, Simon from the DECC. Reasons given:

  • Arky-Ollie-Just: history related activities
  • PC Dave: chasing a dinosaur through the town centre
  • Bob: on family holiday
  • Simon: “Don’t be ridiculous.”

Those present at the meeting: Monty The Great, Separation Anxiety Chicken, The Fairy, Alive Orange Blob.

Item 2

It was felt necessary to discuss the absence of PC Dave, due to the fact that Chicken could not concentrate knowing there was a dinosaur in the vicinity. The Chairman (Monty The Great) reassured her that PC Dave would deal with it and that no people or animals were in any danger. The Fairy put forward a proposal that it was an April Fools joke, but this was dismissed by the Chairman on the grounds that police officers never joke about public safety.

Item 3

The unexplained hole was explained by the Chairman as being the result of illegal fracking. The Fairy submitted a second proposal, suggesting Chicken was responsible. Chicken denied this, proposing instead that we blame Ugly Cat. As Ugly Cat was not present at the meeting to defend itself, the motion that the hole is the result of illegal fracking stands.

Item 4

Appropriate behaviour during meetings was discussed. The Chairman made clear that instances of inappropriate behaviour would not be tolerated. These include: shouting, snorting, spitting, sulking, getting up to make coffee, bringing unauthorised toys to the table, answering a Skype call from Grandma and Grandad, and disagreeing with the Chairman.

Item 5

The Chairman brought the meeting to a close due to extended periods of inappropriate behaviour. It was noted that Alive Orange Blob had behaved impeccably and was therefore voted in as Vice Chairman, despite objections from The Fairy and Chicken.

The Chairman resolved this issue by drawing their attention to the last example of inappropriate behaviour listed in Item 4.

Item 6

The date of the next meeting was set for Friday 8th April 2016.

Meeting abandoned at 1430 hrs.

 

Monty The Great, Chairman

 

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , , ,

66. Further Hole Discovered – by Monty

Posted on March 31, 2016 by Mydogslife
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Unexplained hole which appeared in the same spot where Chicken had been sunbathing

There appears to be a communication problem with the kitchen staff. Although I order well in advance, I keep being presented with dog food concoctions instead of steak. Due to other pressing matters however, I will have to deal with this at a later date.

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Chicken sunbathing in safer times

It seems the ground is far more unstable than I had thought. Another large hole has opened up overnight in the exact spot where Chicken had been sunbathing. I’m worried that the whole garden will disintegrate if something is not done quickly, and it would be tragic if Chicken disappeared into a hole in the ground. I might need to cordon off the garden for safety’s sake. Chicken tried to blame it on Ugly Cat, who she says has been watching her again, but I doubt it has the necessary skill to dig such a deep hole. It is more likely to be the result of the illegal fracking and it is high time this was stopped.

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Protecting orange toy

I intend calling an emergency meeting in the near future. Arky-Ollie-Just, PC Dave from the Station, Bob at the Council and Simon from the DECC will all be invited. Chicken will be in attendance but will be given strict instructions not to say anything.

Speaking of Chicken, she has been working hard during our training sessions and I am pleased with the progress she is making. She has developed an obsession with my new orange toy however, so I am having to carry it around with me everywhere. This is just to keep it safe though; not because I am in love with it.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , , , ,

57. Time To Shape Up – by Monty

Posted on March 15, 2016 by Mydogslife

I have just finished speaking with Dave from the Station. It was necessary for me to report an intruder who threatened the safety of my unit. We were not in any immediate danger, as I was on duty at the time, but I felt it prudent to inform the police in case I need to borrow some equipment from them in the future.

At 0630hrs I conducted the first inspection of the perimeter fence. Finding nothing untoward, I retired to my bed in order to plan the rest of the day. Chicken reported seeing Ugly Cat jumping off the back fence, but she tends to do this every morning so I did not take her report seriously.

At 0700hrs we both went out again and I immediately identified said cat sitting on top of the fence, very close to the house. Chicken joined me in verbally attacking the cat, and then took it a step further by trying to reach it by jumping up. I attempted to dislodge it by repeatedly throwing my weight against the fence. The Fairy was very frightened of the cat, so called us in and closed the curtain. She applauded our attempts to scare it away, and said we had to leave it alone for a few minutes to give it the chance to walk away.

At 0715hrs the curtain was pulled back again, only to reveal an unbelievable situation. Ugly Cat had indeed moved from the fence. To my patio! It was sitting about six inches off the glass looking in. I rather believe it wanted to come in.

To the untrained eye, it could have looked like Chicken and I lost control, but I was simply following military procedure, and Chicken was simply following my example. When under attack, there simply is no choice but to come out fighting. Retreating is NOT an option. Our attempts at hand to hand combat were thwarted somewhat by the presence of the patio door, but I like to believe our show of strength gave Ugly Cat something to think about.

It doesn’t appear to be the cleverest cat in the world, because it didn’t immediately scarper. Chicken said it wanted to get her and her toys, but I said it was just a bit slow, and wouldn’t return once it had had time to think things over. Just in case it decides to attack again however, I am instigating a programme of training for my whole unit to ensure we are combat ready.

PC Dave said that there was nothing he could do at the moment as Ugly Cat hadn’t caused any criminal damage, but he did say that I had done the right thing reporting the incident. He said he would step up his patrols in the area and reminded me not to take the law into my own hands.

I reminded him that I am a professional, and assured him that I would involve him in any future operations. He said he would really appreciate that, as he didn’t have enough to do already. He is such a nice man.

Monty The Great

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

53. Monty Bum Bum Been In A Bag – by Chicken

Posted on March 9, 2016 by Mydogslife

Lasts night in the dark we did go for a walks in the night time. When we did gets to the end of my street, Ugly Cats was there all staring at me! Monty did go all brave and did stand in front of me to look after me. He is so big and brave. I did all decide to marry him again.

On the walks we did see five cats and I did tell Monty that Ugly Cats’ gang was following us, but he said they was all just outs socialising. I did checks the big garden before going to sleep and Ugly Cats was not there.

Today this morning it was all wet rainy and we got all coldy walking at the big ocean. We did walk in all the puddles and did not stop to sniffs at all the smellses because we wanted to get back in the dry car. I did see loads of ducks and they did say it was lovely weather and I did say get lost.

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Opening the higher stinks

When we got home it was still wet rainy and we did see a strange animal all tiny, hiding under the car next door. We did go to look and clever Monty did know it was a froggy and then did show me how they walk by doing jumping jumps. Then we did go inside and he was all still excited and did go and find a bag in the big room. Monty is never leaving a bag alone and always goes in the bag and takeses things out. Monty did do this with the bag that he found, and then The Fairy did find Monty and then she did find the bag and then she did shout loudly to all tell Monty that he is gooder at going in bags. She did say in the bag was the new higher stinks and Monty did say it was good job he did all destroy them, because nobody likes a higher stink in their house.

Monty Bum Bum is so cleverer.

Chicken

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags:

47. The Early Worm Catches The Cat – by Monty

Posted on February 25, 2016 by Mydogslife

I have only been up an hour and there have been three unauthorised invasions already. Three separate bits of wildlife have attempted to gain entry, but have been thwarted by my razor sharp reflexes. Two birds – one black, one brown – and a cat. Chicken insist it was Ugly Cat, and I’m inclined to agree as I only saw its back end, and it wasn’t pretty.

The birds I can understand, because The Fairy had once again put food out on my grass/mud. She really should stop doing this. The cat was walking along the back fence and we couldn’t get out into the garden until it had disappeared, because The Fairy is so slow. I swear she does it on purpose.

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Following government advice

We ran together to the fence in a show of strength to ensure Ugly Cat didn’t come back. I then proceeded to rid the garden of food sources to deter the birds, as recommended by the government. This is all I can do at the moment, but I intend to stay alert lest there be a further assault.

Monty The Great

 

 

Message from Chicken: Birdies and Ugly Cats has no chance.

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Alert Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: ,

46. Ugly Cats Is Back – by Chicken

Posted on February 24, 2016 by Mydogslife

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Chicky, Chicky, BOOM! BOOM!

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Pretty Chicken BOOM! BOOM!

Ugly Cats is after me agains! The other day at the night he was all sitting on my fence so I did all run to get him offs. He looked at me all nasty and did then run aways. Monty did not all help because he could not see Ugly Cats again. He does not believe me when I tells him that the cats are getting me, and is more interested in all chasing the birdies.

When we went for a walks today we did see three cats. One of them has been following me for days but Monty says they is just out walkings. I knows they is watching where we all go for our walks so they can steal my toys when I is not in my house. This is all not allowed.

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Monty checking for old stitches 

Monty was all up early in the morning today and did go into the ice garden to check for birdies and poison. He is all thicky and doesn’t know he got exploded by eating the full cake all by himself alone. He all kept saying he had to keep the old stitches out the garden so I do think he is all still poorly.

 

Or extra thicky today.

 

Grandma and Grandad has all got a new pet instead of Big Rabbit. The new one sounds like Big Rabbit, acts like Big Rabbit and smellses like Big Rabbit, but it has no fur. Monty did say that it was the same Big Rabbit and she has been to the big hairdresser, but I did say if she’s just had her hair cut off, where is it? When my hair all comes off I keeps it all over my house.

Chicken

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags:

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