Monty

135. The Return Of Ugly Cat – by Monty

Posted on August 20, 2016 by Mydogslife

Yesterday morning, Chicken launched herself into the garden without doing a pre-launch safety assessment. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: you can’t just go out into the garden without checking that the coast is clear. If you don’t look before you leap, you are bound to be taken off guard.

image

Unraveling a ball of string event 

On this particular occasion, Chicken was stunned to find Ugly Cat sitting on the wall of my digging pit. She was so surprised, that she ran around in circles, shrieking hysterically in shock. This was fortunate for Ugly Cat, who was able to jump to safety on the fence without too much difficulty. Chicken then came to her senses and tried to reach the cat by jumping at the fence, until I firmly reminded her of her promise to be nicer to Ugly Cat.

To her credit, she did then welcome him back before chattering on about our Independent Olympics. Ugly Cat seemed very interested, and regaled us with stories of his own athletic ability. Apparently, he had been a champion tree climber in his youth, and could not be beaten in any activity which involved a ball. Of string.

Chicken then took off in search of a ball of string, whilst I spoke to Ugly Cat about his absence. It turned out that his unit had gone abroad on holiday, and that Ugly Cat had been put into kennels after flatly refusing to get on the plane. I congratulated him on his decision, citing extreme heat as a good reason for not going, which he agreed with.

He then said that he would be willing to judge a ball of string unraveling competition, as part of our Independent Olympic Games. Chicken re-appeared at this moment, with a ball of string which she had stolen from Arky-Ollie-Just. After a brief explanation of the rules, we set about unraveling it.

Chicken wrapped it around my digging pit a couple of times, before I took over and did the same. It was one of the most enjoyable events of the whole Games, which we both received a gold medal for, as Ugly Cat said he couldn’t separate us with the scoring.

I did feel it necessary to speak to The Fairy about the state of the athletics field, which is deteriorating rapidly. She said that the only way to improve it was to ban all competitors from going on it, so I withdrew my complaint and beat a hasty retreat before she had time to put the ban in place.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

131. Never Underestimate Monty The Great – by Monty

Posted on August 10, 2016 by Mydogslife

Chicken has rung the police about the judging of the precision jumping. She is adamant that she should have won, and has demanded an inquiry. Personally, I think the judge was professional and unbiased and that the best dog won. Chicken said that the judge couldn’t be trusted to be unbiased, because the judge was me. I disagree, and the result stands.

The next event which I have lined up is the digging. Points will be awarded for speed, technique, the depth of the finished hole, and how many legs were used in the execution. The highest available score for the last requirement being four.

Chicken believes she will win this one, as I have never been in the digging pit. I warned her not to underestimate me, but she said she wasn’t worried because she thought I was unprepared, and that I couldn’t even compete if I was not brave enough to step into the arena in the first place.

However, I have secretly employed a coach who has helped me develop my routine. After many weeks of assessing the pit, I have finally made the decision to go in it.

This did involve the dismantling of the side wall, but all’s fair in love and sport, as they say.

Monty The Great

 

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , ,

129. Independent Olympic Games – by Monty

Posted on August 8, 2016 by Mydogslife

I did some research in the area of outstanding athletic ability, and found some very interesting information. I had initially planned on entering only the running races at the Olympics, as this is where my talent really lies. However, the fastest man on Earth, Usain Bolt, has never exceeded 30mph, which is no competition for me. I thought it would be unfair to compete against him, so have decided to train for one of the other disciplines, with a view to entering the 2020 Olympic Games instead.

In the meantime, I have organised a schedule of athletic events, in which Chicken and I can compete against each other in our own Independent Olympic Games.

I decided to start with gymnastics, in an event which I have called precision jumping. The object is to clear an obstacle in the most graceful way. Points are awarded for asthetics, technical ability, execution and landing.

As usual, Chicken went first, and put in an acceptable performance, in that she did jump. I then followed, showing how it should have been done. When the points came in, I had won with a score of 15.266 against Chicken’s 14.938.

image

Day 1 of the Independent Olympic Games

She was furious. She demanded to speak to the stupid judges. She said that there was no way I could have scored that highly, as I had put my foot down during the jump. This is total rubbish of course. I think I would have known if I’d put my own foot down.

When we got home, I took it upon myself to lecture her about good sportsmanship, and she took it upon herself to go and sulk in the pit. This really is not the kind of behaviour I expect at the Independent Olympic Games.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: ,

126. What Is Chicken’s Name? – by Monty

Posted on August 4, 2016 by Mydogslife
image

Joint engineering project under way

Arky-Ollie-Just and I have commenced a joint project which involves the digging of two trenches. I’m obviously the project manager, having so much experience of trench building, and Arky-Ollie-Just is doing most of the labouring. We are in the process of remodeling the front of my property so that there is space for an additional vehicle. I have no particular preference for how this area will be finished off, as long as it is not gravel like it used to be, which I don’t like to walk on.

I informed Bob at the Council of said project, and he said that although he didn’t believe planning permission were needed, he still felt it prudent to inspect the area. He said he would visit at tea time, and that he would eat with us so that we wouldn’t have to change our tea time. He is so thoughtful.

image

Stand-Still-Chicken

I’m a little bit confused by Arky-Ollie-Just’s inability to get Chicken’s name correct. He calls her Stand-Still-Chicken all the time. I spoke to The Fairy about Chicken’s name, and asked her to confirm that it had not been changed without my consent. She had also noticed that Arky-Ollie-Just calls her Stand-Still-Chicken, but said it didn’t really matter because Chicken answers to it anyway. I left the kitchen, but was called back almost immediately.

It was at this point, having been pushed out of the way and passed by Chicken, that I realised she also answers to the name Monty. The Fairy and I then conducted an experiment to see if she answers to anything else. She does:

Sweety, doggie, baby, loopy, rainbow, cowboy, trainer, T-shirt, elbow etc. Anything actually, with two syllables.

The Fairy says that she does know her name, and she’s just responding to the tone. It is my considered opinion that Chicken does know her name, and is responding to her stomach. It is quite common for us to receive a snack after being called into the kitchen. I think that when she hears the names Chicken or Monty, she thinks there is food in the offing and makes every effort to get to it before I do. It is also my considered opinion that she has included all other two-syllable words, just in case.

I cannot work out whether she is just a little bit dim, or whether she has unrecognised genius. I also cannot work out which is more dangerous.

Monty The Original

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: ,

123. Car Sharing Has Its Limitations – by Monty

Posted on July 22, 2016 by Mydogslife

The sun has decided to take a more leisurely approach to the day, which I am very pleased about. I was able to conduct my early morning check of the perimeter fence in comfort, and anticipate going out on patrol when I want to, as opposed to waiting until such time as I won’t melt.

Ugly Cat was on the shed next door and struck up a conversation when I had finished my security patrol. Flushed with success at having discovered the site of the proposed mini-fracking, he suggested that the F.A.R.T. attend a demonstration against it, which is going to take place in the next village. He informed me that he could lead us to the demonstration, but that it would take over an hour to walk to, so requested a lift in the car.

Firstly, I reminded him that he had not yet received official notification that he had been accepted into the F.A.R.T., and secondly, that Chicken would be in the car if such a protest were to be attended. He said he would be able to control Chicken, and I said that Chicken couldn’t control herself, and that I’d hate to be present when somebody else tried to. Particularly if that somebody else was a cat, and the location was the interior of a car.

I intend to call a meeting of the F.A.R.T. to discuss the issue of protesting, and Ugly Cat’s request for membership. I mentioned both these points to Chicken, with the exception of Ugly Cat’s proposed membership. For security reasons. Obviously. Not just because I want a quiet life. Which I do.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

121. Too Hot To Declare A Severe Weather Warning – by Monty

Posted on July 21, 2016 by Mydogslife

I was planning on declaring a Severe Hot Weather Warning, but it was too hot. I heard that government departments had been re-shuffled and I cannot quite work out what has happened to the Department of Energy and Climate Change. If it has been abolished, that would fully explain why the sun now thinks it can do whatever it wants. In my opinion, the sun needs to reign in its enthusiasm.

image

Big Rabbit forgot half her hair

Big Rabbit came to spend the day with us, and we all had a great day inside, drinking cold water and keeping very still. Chicken and Big Rabbit had a long conversation about cats, which I didn’t get involved in. Chicken now feels she is armed with a lot of useful information about keeping cats out of the garden. Big Rabbit has a Doctorate in Cat Detection and Expulsion. She went home after tea, but for some inexplicable reason, left half of her hair here. It is too hot to work out why.

image

Monty The Great BAHons First Class

Yesterday was an excellent day. Arky-Ollie-Just turned up and we were all extremely happy to see him. He let me wear his special hat, so I believe I am his favourite. I took him into my back garden to discuss the patio and to show him some of the work that I had been doing. We lasted about 30 seconds and then came back inside to sit by the fans. About half an hour after he arrived, he spilt half a tin of red paint on the carpet. On the plus side, he has shown an interest in my long forgotten Trench Building Project, which he says we can revitalise.

I spent most of the day in conversation with him, and taught him how to give Chicken and I treats. I explained the rules of the house and when it was nearly dark, took him out to show him around the estate. Grey Cat showed up, which sent Chicken into a spin.

I’m not quite sure how Arky-Ollie-Just fits into the household. The Fairy is in charge, but Arky-Ollie-Just is bigger. I will have to watch closely over the next few days to assess this situation. It may mean that our unit is going to experience a re-shuffle. I hope the Department of Sausages and Steak survives.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , ,

119. The Triumphant Return Of Monty The Great – by Monty The Great

Posted on July 17, 2016 by Mydogslife

Two days ago I was invited to return to my kennels. I was pleased about this, as I spent four years of my life there and was a particular favourite. Upon entering the establishment, I was greeted by a round of applause greyhound style, which I felt was fitting.

I completed an inspection of the premises by 8am and was then settled into a double room with quilts, along with Chicken who had insisted on coming along with me. I had a long conversation with the large greyhound next door; an old friend of mine called Big Mac. He’s currently training to take part in next year’s Britain’s Strongest Man competition, so we whiled away the time talking about training techniques, and the discrimination that greyhounds face when trying to enter human competitions.

Late in the morning I delivered two training sessions to separate groups of greyhounds. The first was on counter steering, and aimed at those still racing. Cornering well can make all the difference. The second was a lecture which I delivered to those who had already, or were about to, retire. It was based on the book How To Win Yourself A Home And Control Your Humans Once You’ve Got There, and also on my own experience. I was heckled throughout by one particular Chicken, who kept shouting bum from the back. I rose above it.

image

Back at home after a long day

Later in the afternoon, I had a small corn removed from my foot which made me feel a lot better and allowed me to walk properly again without pain. This situation was short lived however, as I cut the top of my front foot whilst conducting a parade in the paddock. Chicken said she wanted one too, but I said she wouldn’t be able to cope with it. She said she could cope with about ten of them, which I doubt.

I don’t like to complain as you know, but if I had to complain about anything, it would be the caterers. They completely forgot my steak order. But I don’t like to complain.

Monty The Great

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: ,

116. Genius Is My Name – by Monty

Posted on July 14, 2016 by Mydogslife

I sometimes frighten myself with my ability to be correct about everything. It is a burden I have to bear. My meeting with Ugly Cat was very enlightening and has changed my opinion of him. It turns out that he is not just a fluff ball with claws, and he has been able to find out that there is indeed illegal fracking taking place extremely close to my unit.

Now let us not quibble about the details. The fracking might be mini, it may not have started yet, it may not be causing any earthquakes of any description, and it may not technically be illegal, but I WAS RIGHT just the same. My greyhound-sense rivals that of Spider-Man. Call it what you will – and I favour the word genius – but I am obviously capable of predicting the future. With this skill comes great responsibility.

image

Only the grouting left to do

Luckily, the patio is nearly finished which will protect the garden somewhat, so I now have a smaller area to guard. Pete Who Can Build Anything turned out to be very receptive to my suggestions, and patiently re-did the sections that I inspected with my feet. Once the job is finished, and the garden has been tidied up to the point that it no longer resembles a reclamation yard, I can restart my Mudhead Project.

Along with my new job as Leader of the Opposition, I am going to be very busy over the next few weeks.

Monty

 

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , ,

115. Do British Politicians Move Faster Than Greyhounds? – by Monty

Posted on July 12, 2016 by Mydogslife

I appear to have missed my chance of being Prime Minister. I was in the process of completing my application form, when Pete Who Can Build Anything turned up to do the patio, forcing me to postpone submitting my application in favour of supervising the build. When I looked up, the job had been taken.

If all goes according to plan, Mrs Theresa May will take over tomorrow, as long as nobody launches a revolution overnight. David Cameron is packing up his house, but is not allowed to take his favourite cabinet with him. Apparently, he is quite upset about this, so has spent the morning talking to it. I say let the man have his cabinet as a leaving present.

image

Sausage dinner every day

My only other option now is to accept the job of Leader of the Opposition, and win the next election on a platform of greyhound voting rights and a no wildlife except greyhounds policy. Chicken has suggested a sausage dinner every day for greyhounds policy, which I am seriously considering.

My political credentials are as good as anybody’s, and I’m sure I could rely on the support of Bob at the Council. If I add police officers to my sausage dinner every day for … policy, Dave from the Station would certainly support me as well. It’s all looking very promising.

I have a meeting with Ugly Cat this afternoon, to discuss his involvement with illegal fracking. He has stated that he has solved the mystery, so I am very interested in what he has to say.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , , , ,

113. It’s England And It’s July, So… – by Monty

Posted on July 2, 2016 by Mydogslife

Chicken’s eye is much better today, so I feel able to concentrate on other matters. I tried to contact Simon at the DECC but there was no answer on his office phone, so I rang him at home. I presented my concerns about the recent bouts of heavy rain to him in a concise and respectful manner, but he said he had bigger things to think about at the moment. Apparently, his boss has applied for another job and he might be in line for promotion if she gets it.

I checked various websites, and found quite a few vacancies in both the Conservative and Labour camps. I decided to apply initially for the job of Prime Minister, and in the event that I don’t get it; for the top job in the Opposition. Chicken said she liked the idea of me being the boss of the whole country, as long as it didn’t interfere with the amount of attention I gave her.

The Fairy said that isn’t how it works, and that I should pick a side that I agree with and believe in, and then stick to it. She said that I couldn’t go changing my mind willy-nilly with something as important as politics.

Which shows how much she knows.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: ,

Blog at WordPress.com.