Greyhounds

144. Disproportionate Reaction – by Monty

Posted on September 7, 2016 by Mydogslife

I would like to confirm officially that I do indeed have a poorly foot, but it is nothing that I can’t handle. The vet advised seven days of bed rest, no jumping and no digging. Unfortunately, The Fairy has decided to follow this advice which means no walks. I have been unable to perform my security patrols and will not be able to do so for another five days. This comes at a time when the threat level is at Amber, due to the presence of the fox.

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Total over-reaction 

In line with these restrictions, The Fairy has cordoned off the digging pit and most of the garden. She spoke briefly about “using this opportunity to kill two birds,” which suggests to me that her policy of attracting garden birds has been revoked. This kind of disproportionate reaction is exactly what I would expect of a civilian.

I am also inclined to believe that Bob at the Council has had some part in the restricted zone being implemented, as he made an unexpected visit last week, and made some derogatory comments about the racing ditch that Chicken and I are building. Our race track looks suspiciously level to me, but I cannot gain access to inspect it properly. Arky-Ollie-Just shares my concern for the track, as he has been watering it regularly for the past couple of days.

He is obviously keeping the ground moist for us, so that it will be easier to dig up again once the cordon comes down.

Monty

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143. NHS Delivers Outstanding Care To Ailing Greyhound – by Chicken

Posted on September 6, 2016 by Mydogslife
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Poorly foot Monty 

I has founded the National Hound Service to looks after poorly Monty. He did go to the vets and she did say that he had arthritis in his left wrist. She did give him some big medicine and did say he had to rest properly and then I did also say that he had to rest and that I would all look after him.

The Fairy did go to the shoppy shop and did buy me two presents because Monty donty is poorly. She did give me my first present and I did love it because it did squeak. Then on accident she did give Monty my other second present and it was a soft squirrel and it did make a different squeaky noise. I did take it off Monty because I did not all want him to hurt his hurty foot because I does love him.

Then I did tell Monty that I will tell him all about the walking when I go out because he is not allowed to come. Monty did say he was working in his office anyways, so I did say I would help him and he did say no.

Arky and The Fairy did say they does have a plan to help Monty to rest so Monty is all being looked after properly.

Chicken xxx

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142. First Meeting Of The Watch – by Monty

Posted on September 6, 2016 by Mydogslife

The first meeting of The Watch was well attended. I believe Ugly Cat must have informed everyone of the time and venue, as I know that I didn’t say a word. We had the meeting at dusk so that the nocturnal animals could partake.

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A mole in the pit

It appears that many of them are afraid that the fox may eat them, and feel that it requires removal from the area. Those present included pigeons, magpies, garden birds, bats, frogs, spiders, a mole which surfaced in my digging pit and – against my advice – the hedgehog.

Chicken displayed a level of wisdom I had not expected, by suggesting that the birds sleep high up out of its reach, and the rest of them hide. The spiders were deemed not to be in too much danger, but chose to stay anyway, out of civic duty.

The hedgehog seems to be the most at risk, so I suggested he employ his arsenal of spikes to protect himself. He then said that I was useless, which prompted a rather severe reaction from Chicken. He was only saved by the quick thinking of The Fairy, who disrupted the meeting, saying it was too late to have friends round to play.

Ugly Cat insisted that the fox needed relocating, to allow the “present system of management to remain in place.” I’ll admit to being a little suspicious of this comment. My military training tells me there is more to the situation than is being discussed openly, a sentiment which I shared with Chicken.

She is now on the Internet, researching conspiracy theories.

Monty

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141. The Independent Olympic Games Closing Ceremony – by Monty

Posted on September 1, 2016 by Mydogslife

Both Chicken and I have fully enjoyed our Independent Olympic Games. I have decided not to count up medals, in the interest of friendship.

The ceremony begins with Chicken showing the spirit of love between competitors through the medium of modern dance, before my big entrance from the back of the auditorium.

We then simulate some of the events we took part in, like track running and jumping, though my digging display was obscured by the flowers.

There was a slight altercation towards the end due to Chicken not following my choreography, but I do not believe it detracts from how successful the performance was.

Monty

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140. Press Release 1 – by Chicken

Posted on August 30, 2016 by Mydogslife

SECRET ORGAN EYE STATION ORGAN EYED IN SECRET

Monty McDonty and Ugly Face Cats has all made a secret organ eye station called The Neighbours Hooded Wildlife Animal Watch. They did do it all in a secret at my house in secret. I is the most importance because I does have to deal with all the peoples and all the wildlife and all the press.

We is going to do plans tonights in the night time and the fox does have to look out and then Monty did not share the roll sausage in a bag. Bum.

It is all secret so nobody is allowed to know what is happening tonight when the wildlife with the hoods is coming to my house to do plans. The end.

By Stand-Still-Chicken 

Public Relations Officer

The Hooded Neighbours Wildlife Fox Animal Watch Hood

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139. The Wildlife Watch – by Monty

Posted on August 30, 2016 by Mydogslife

Chicken has insisted that we perform a closing ceremony for our Independent Olympic Games, so I have spent some time choreographing a routine which we are now rehearsing on a daily basis. There is still a second Games to come, but my suggestion that we continue with our games has met with opposition, due to the fact that Chicken thinks she has won and doesn’t want to risk me catching up with regards medals awarded. The Fairy has also implied that she would like us to perform the ceremony as quickly as possible, to avoid further damage to my garden.

I have spent quite a lot of time in my office recently, which is located under the dining table. I’m in the process of planning some secret operational manouvers, which are in part a result of a meeting which I had with Ugly Cat.

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The Watch

Ugly Cat informed me that a fox has been sighted on the estate late at night, and that the local wildlife are extremely concerned about this. After giving the situation some thought, I suggested forming a Wildlife Neighbourhood Watch. Ugly Cat volunteered to lead the Wildlife Watch, but I recommended installing a more experienced officer to the post, citing my own credentials. This was only agreed upon, after Ugly Cat was appointed as Second In Command.

Chicken’s first suggestion that she eat all vulnerable wildlife to sabotage the fox’s plans was rejected on the grounds that it was rather at odds with the aims of The Wildlife Watch. She then demanded she be given the position of Public Relations Officer, which was reluctantly agreed upon, based on an understanding that she submit all her written statements for approval before releasing them to the press.

Chicken agreed to these terms, though did utter the word bum under her breath.

Monty

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138. Instant Karma’s Gonna Get You – by Monty

Posted on August 26, 2016 by Mydogslife

As you know, The Fairy and I have very different views regarding wildlife in the garden. I particularly disagree with the encouraging of wildlife by providing food policy which The Fairy insists on implementing. In all cases except the dried mealworms, either Chicken or I remove any such food as quickly and efficiently as possible.

Last night, Chicken beat me to the hedgehog’s peanut butter, after I specifically told her to leave it to me.

As John Lennon once said:

Instant Karma’s gonna get you. 

Gonna knock you right on the roof of your mouth.

Monty

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137. Hotty Botty Scary Day – by Chicken

Posted on August 25, 2016 by Mydogslife
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Wet tea-towel competition 

In the last few big days it has been hotty botty hot hot. We did sit near Monty’s fans and do the drinking a lot. Then The Fairy was bored so decidered to dress us up, but she did forget to dry the clothes first so they was all wet and cold. Monty did say he was all happy to wear posh costume-made coats, but wasn’t going to put up with being made to wear a tatty old wet tea-towel. Then he did go into his den under the big table and take it offs, so I did take mine offs as well.

Very early I did see Ugly Cats on the fence so I did go to tells him off. He did say that he had been out all night and it was still too warm for him. Then he did say that he needed to speak to big Monty about a scary key. I did say that Monty wouldn’t all speak to anyone who had been out on the tiles all night, and that he was in his den anyways.

Ugly Cats did say he had not been out having fun on the tiles, but that he had been out doing scary key work. I did tell him he was not allowed to talk to my Monty about scary things because then Monty does get scared.

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I don’t care if it’s good for me; I’m not wearing THAT

Then big Arky did comes out and stupid Ugly Cats did turn all fluffy and soft and stupid cutie-pie with his face. Arky did tickle him behind his ears and Ugly Cats did make stupid purry noises. I did tell Arky that I did need my ears rubbing but he didn’t hear me, so I did go to tell Monty.

Monty did say he would ask The Fairy when he got up, but he did have a sneaky suspicion that Arky was a cat person.

Then I did think abouts this and then I dids look at Arky and then I dids think he does have a lots of hair and then I dids think he might turn into cats! So I did use the iPaddy and did finds out that some people are half people and half wolf and then I dids go to gets into Monty’s den.

Chicken xxx

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136. The Limpets Marathon – by Chicken

Posted on August 22, 2016 by Mydogslife

On the tellybox in the week ago, we did see the big race at the Limpets. Everybody did miss the bus so they all did have to run 26 miles to get to the finish line. Monty did say this was supposed to happen, and it was called the marathon. Then he did all gibber on about the history of the race and he did talking about a place and a battle and I did go to look for hedgehogs in the garden.

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Starting the marathon 

Then The Fairy did decide to do a marathon but not the running bit, because she is not as fitty fit fit as me and Monty. Arky did come with his camera and when we got there we did have to stop to look at nothing for ages. I was bored. Then we did see big ugly fluffy things with skinny greyhound legs who was all staring at us meanly, but me and Monty did ignoring because they wasn’t proper greyhounds. Monty did say they were sheep and I did say they were smelly.

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What view?

We did walkering for big ages and we did all start to slow down. There was loads of too much wind near the end so we did want to get back in the safety car. When we did get home we had yummy yummy food because it was biggerer dinner day, and then me and Monty did fall asleep and do big sleeping because we had all done the Limpets marathon.

Then after this later I did want to go for another walks because I is higher active and The Fairy did say I was like a rechargeable batteries, but I did say I just wanted to go for another walks. Monty was all tired so he did pretending to be asleep so I did help him wake up by kicking him. Then he did get up and come with us.

Chicken xxx

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135. The Return Of Ugly Cat – by Monty

Posted on August 20, 2016 by Mydogslife

Yesterday morning, Chicken launched herself into the garden without doing a pre-launch safety assessment. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: you can’t just go out into the garden without checking that the coast is clear. If you don’t look before you leap, you are bound to be taken off guard.

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Unraveling a ball of string event 

On this particular occasion, Chicken was stunned to find Ugly Cat sitting on the wall of my digging pit. She was so surprised, that she ran around in circles, shrieking hysterically in shock. This was fortunate for Ugly Cat, who was able to jump to safety on the fence without too much difficulty. Chicken then came to her senses and tried to reach the cat by jumping at the fence, until I firmly reminded her of her promise to be nicer to Ugly Cat.

To her credit, she did then welcome him back before chattering on about our Independent Olympics. Ugly Cat seemed very interested, and regaled us with stories of his own athletic ability. Apparently, he had been a champion tree climber in his youth, and could not be beaten in any activity which involved a ball. Of string.

Chicken then took off in search of a ball of string, whilst I spoke to Ugly Cat about his absence. It turned out that his unit had gone abroad on holiday, and that Ugly Cat had been put into kennels after flatly refusing to get on the plane. I congratulated him on his decision, citing extreme heat as a good reason for not going, which he agreed with.

He then said that he would be willing to judge a ball of string unraveling competition, as part of our Independent Olympic Games. Chicken re-appeared at this moment, with a ball of string which she had stolen from Arky-Ollie-Just. After a brief explanation of the rules, we set about unraveling it.

Chicken wrapped it around my digging pit a couple of times, before I took over and did the same. It was one of the most enjoyable events of the whole Games, which we both received a gold medal for, as Ugly Cat said he couldn’t separate us with the scoring.

I did feel it necessary to speak to The Fairy about the state of the athletics field, which is deteriorating rapidly. She said that the only way to improve it was to ban all competitors from going on it, so I withdrew my complaint and beat a hasty retreat before she had time to put the ban in place.

Monty

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