Horses ….
… on a residenture estate.
Chicken
Greyhounds
222. Inner Calm – by Monty
I have told Chicken that she needs to relax a little. She is so springy that she is beginning to see things that are not there. I can perhaps accept that a scruffy cat has been seen, but she is now also insisting that she is being followed by horses. I co-ordinate the night time walks from my office so cannot verify these sightings, but I do not believe for one moment that she is being followed on a residential estate by large horses.
I have heard that yoga is good for relaxation so have recommended the practice to Chicken.
Downward-facing dog.
Monty
Categories: Greyhounds, Monty
Tags: Cats, Health, Wildlife
221. Pretty Day – by Chicken
BOOM! BOOM! I is back!
Monty did all not give me a Valen card so I did get sad and kick him in the head. Then I did complain and complain and I did go to tell The Fairy. She did say that sometimes people did forgetting and not to be too mad so I did only kick him in the head another one time.
Being extra pretty.
Then big Monty did say he would make me a special pretty flowers in my garden just for me in summer and he did say the flowers would be as pretty as me so I am all being extra pretty so I does get the best pretty summer flowers. He is my lovely Monty and he did forget my Valen card.
When I does go out in the outside to do walking I does always see a ghosty ghost cats. Monty did say I has to be careful my big image nation doesn’t all run away but the ghost cats doesn’t run away it is all still there. It is looking all skeleton and dirty and it does following me but it is all not as big as the big horses that do following me as well.
I is starving.
Chicken xxx
Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds
Tags: Cats, Food, Gardening
220. Making The Most Of The Snow – by Monty
In the lead as usual.
I sincerely apologise for neglecting my communication duties. I do hope that everyone is well. The thing is, I have only just regained consciousness after forgetting to send Chicken a Valentine’s Day card. We have decided unanimously never to speak of it again.
I feel a quick update of events is in order. Firstly, I received a letter from The House Of Commons. I have returned it unopened as it was incorrectly addressed simply to Monty. If the government wants my advice about something they can use my official title of Monty The Great.
Secondly, Chicken is convinced that she is being stalked by a ghost cat. I rang PC Dave at the Station to ask if there had been any other reports of said ghost cat, to which he replied in the negative. He has promised to keep his eye out for anything suspicious.
Thirdly, we are still caught in the nightmare that is the diet.
Lastly, I have called a meeting to discuss the refurbishment of my garden. I have big plans for this year with regards vegetables. Work will begin as soon as this snow has cleared. Until then, Chicken and I will make the most of it.
Monty The Great
Categories: Greyhounds, Monty, The help
Tags: Cats, Food, Gardening, Health, Local police, Politics
219. Dear Rudolf – by Chicken
Dear Mr Lovely Rudolf,
I is very very really sorry for being rudy rude to you last year. You is a lovely reindeer and everybody loves you and very sorry.
From Chicken xxx
Merrily Christmas, Rudolf!
Then I did do an apology to stupid Rudolf because Monty donty did sticking up for me with the mean polar bear. He did say that the polar bear was all staring at me because he thinks I is so pretty and I does know this is true. Monty did also say I will gets loads of a lot of presents and I does think one of them will be a puinnea gig and I will play with it and look after it but not eats it.
Monty did say I hads to be a good girl and I did say that I will be a good girl and I didn’t say that I all wouldn’t do anything or nots do anything in extra change for my sorry letter and I dids tell Monty that he is my favourite and I does think he is all great and I did never think of anything to do to make him embarrassed because I is a good girl.
Chicken
Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds
Tags: Christmas, Father Christmas, Rudolf
218. Using Your Slow Cooker At Christmas – by Monty
Slow-cooked Chicken
The best setting for my new electric bed is 3. This is the hottest setting. I have been conducting endurance tests on it, to ensure it complies with all Health and Safety regulations. It does. However, my lying on it for nine hours at a time and the fact that Chicken has abandoned the settee in favour of said electric bed, has drawn the attention of The Fairy.
Today she put her hand under my rib cage and realised how hot I was. According to her, my sleeping on it for nine hours is the same as being stewed in a slow cooker. I see no problem but The Fairy immediately turned it down to 1.
I tried to turn it back up again but could not do so with my paws. There is a design fault in the control pad. Fear not people – I have a plan. I will limp badly until she turns it back up.
1. The hedgehog’s visit has had an unexpected positive impact on the Rudolf apology situation. Chicken was very upset when the hedgehog left, so I used this to explain how upset all the children will be if Father Christmas can’t deliver their presents.
2. Although I may have rather pushed the boundaries of honesty, I also told her that the polar bear had apologised for looking at her in a mean way. It didn’t. It’s made of plastic.
Chicken has responded well and I’m pleased to report that this two pronged approach has secured from her a promise to apologise to Rudolf on Christmas Eve, just in time for Christmas to go ahead as usual.
No thanks necessary.
Monty
Categories: Greyhounds, Monty
Tags: Christmas, Father Christmas, Health and Safety, Hedgehogs, Wildlife
217. It’s Not A Hotel I’m Running – by Monty
‘‘Tis the season etc. Usually at this time of year I am full of joy and goodwill to all. However, the word ‘all’ when used in this context does not mean everybody. As a general rule of thumb, it means everybody – except wildlife. Of any description.
Get out!
Yesterday evening we had an unexpected visitor of whom I seriously disapproved. The Fairy seemed to be carrying out some kind of scientific experiment on it, involving weighing scales and MY FOOD! Chicken thought it was an early Christmas present and didn’t respond well to being told that it wasn’t hers. As I was within biting distance, my first thought was that eating it would be the quickest way to get rid of it. This didn’t go down well with Chicken or The Fairy.
Show-off.
Luckily, The Fairy threw it out again after declaring it to be fat, in good health and eating well. I thought that was the end of wildlife in my house but today a rather pompous looking owl turned up. The words gaudy, ostentatious and exhibitionist spring to mind. Apparently, it is staying with us for the whole of the Christmas period. I will not be engaging it in conversation.
Negotiations have recommenced with Chicken about the Rudolf apology. I am determined to reach an agreement by the deadline of Christmas Eve. Father Christmas is pushing for a deal as early as possible, but as I have said many times before: Good things come to those who wait.
Father Christmas doesn’t want to wait.
Monty
Categories: Greyhounds, Monty
Tags: Christmas, Father Christmas, Hedgehogs, Rudolf, Wildlife
216. Selfish Monty – by Chicken
Monty donty has all stolen my eclectic bed. He did try to sit on it but I was all sitting on it because it is mine and The Fairy did buy it for me. Then Monty did go on my settee and it is mine as well. I does not know how to all sits on my eclectic bed and my settee at the same time. Monty’s bottom is massive.
Then Monty did say I did have to say apologise to Rudolf and I did say that I did not have to. He did say that ifs I does apologising he would give me a carrot but I doesn’t like carrots. Then he did say that the carrot could be something else that I wants, so I did say that I wants to show the picture of Monty’s Easter Island Head Poo and he did say no. He did say the people would be upset because it is all rude but I did say that is the only way I will all say sorry to stupid Rudolf.
My new Christmas present.
For Christmas I have asked for a puinnea gig. I will look after it and play with it and not eats it. Last year I did ask for a baby rabbit but I dids not get one so this year I has asked for a puinnea gig. Monty did say that I wouldn’t get a Christmas present ifs I doesn’t say sorry. Bum.
I did say that I wouldn’t say sorry unless I could all show my Easter Island Head Poo photo. I did tell Monty not to be selfish. BOOM! BOOM!
Chicken
Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds
Tags: Christmas, Father Christmas, Health, Rudolf
215. In The Manner To Which I Am Accustomed – by Monty
I’m still on it now.
There has been talk of arthritis in regards to my foot. During the recent cold weather I have been reduced to hopping. The usual remedy administered by The Fairy in the event of illness or injury is sausages and roast chicken. Unfortunately, this time it did not work. It helped a lot. But it did not work.
I am pleased to announce that I am now the proud owner of an electric bed, which is working. The Fairy has produced an electric blanket from somewhere and has built up a rather super bed for me, complete with Christmas blanket. This is the level of treatment that I deserve in my retirement.
The first round of talks about the Christmas cancelling situation have broken down. Chicken put forward a proposal which was totally unacceptable. The Fairy was inclined to consider it, but I put my non-arthritic foot down. I fully understand the importance of reaching a settlement, but my self respect is worth more than Christmas.
Isn’t it?
Monty
Categories: Greyhounds, Monty
Tags: Christmas, Father Christmas, Health
214. Is Christmas To Be Cancelled? – by Monty
Where’s your Christmas spirit gone, Chicken?
This morning I received a communication from Father Christmas. He is not in a good mood. Apparently, Rudolf is refusing to fly unless Chicken apologises for last year. As you may recall, Chicken was rather rude to Rudolf and the poor thing was left out in the cold after being led to believe he was to be the guest of honour at a meal at our house. The invitation had to be rescinded at the last minute due to Chicken. I don’t mind telling you that I was rather embarrassed.
Naturally, and as usual, Chicken is refusing to apologise.
If I do not manage to illicit a heartfelt apology from her, Christmas will have to be cancelled. The first round of negotiations stalled at the first meeting held this morning.
Chicken is simply refusing to entertain the idea that she was in the wrong, so I will have to use my extensive diplomatic skills to find a solution. Failure is not an option. The Fairy has suggested that I provide some form of carrot to help Chicken make the right decision. In theory, a little bit of give and take on both sides should result in a satisfactory outcome.
Time is of the essence. I have told Chicken that she should go away and think about what she would need in order to be able to provide said apology. Hopefully she will come back with a proposal which will allow for a settlement to be drafted.
Monty
Categories: Greyhounds, Monty
Tags: Christmas, Father Christmas, Rudolf
Greyhounds In Charge 