Posts Tagged With: Ugly Cat

88. Holibobs- by Chicken

Posted on May 11, 2016 by Mydogslife
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Getting extra goodies from Grandma 

We has all been on holibobs for some days to Grandma and Grandad’s house. I all did have to go to tells Big Rabbit that me and Monty is all enraged. Me and Big Rabbit did all talk about what we is going to wear and Big Rabbit did say that she needed a new hat. I is all so excited because now I is Monty’s fancy. We did get loads of extra sausages and cakes and cuddles at Grandma and Grandad’s house and did go out together with Big Rabbit.

We dids get home yesterday in the afternoon and all inspectored the house and garden to make sure everything is all safe. Monty did think that dangerous hedgehogs had been in the garden so checked all inches of it. When we did go for a walks it was all rainy wet so we did put our big coats on and big Monty did complain all the way. I did see Ugly Cats following us again so I was all mad.

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Sleeping on Grandad’s greyhound bed

This morning in the very early, I did go out but Monty did not go out because it was all still raining. Ugly Cats was sitting all ugly on the shed next door, so I did go to shout at him. He did say that I still hadn’t said thank you and I did say I had nothing to say thank you for and he did say he was hurt. Then he did say he had missed us and I did say that we had been to see Big Rabbit and talk about the enragement but that Ugly Cats wasn’t allowed to know because he wasn’t coming to the wedding and he did say he was even more hurt and I did say good. Ugly Cats did all look sad and did walk away sadly and then I did see my biggest trench so did go to do digging in it.

The Fairy did say that I all wasn’t allowed to bring the muddy mud into the house and did try to pull my feets off with a towel. Then Monty hero did save me by takings the big towel off The Fairy and running around with it. The Fairy did say she was all wanting to go backs to bed.

Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , ,

87. What’s Wrong With Chicken? – by Monty

Posted on May 5, 2016 by Mydogslife

Not an easy question to answer. Her behaviour on a normal day tires me out, but today she really has left me rather confused as well. Our day started well, with a game in the back garden followed by breakfast. When it was time to go out, she let me go first without the usual pushing and shoving, and in the car layed right next to me.

Half way around the lake, we happened upon the starting point of a sponsored run. The organisers had marked the start line with yellow balloons and an overhead banner. The number of injuries caused every year by balloons and overhead banners is astronomical, so I always advise caution. I’m not afraid of such things myself of course, but I had grave concerns for The Fairy and Chicken. For their sake, I put my head down and dragged my unit as quickly as possible passed the offending articles. As soon as we were out of danger, Chicken kissed me in order, she said, to make me feel better. I thanked her for her kindness but told her it wasn’t necessary.

As we got back into the car, I banged my foot and couldn’t help but cry out in pain. Repeatedly. I couldn’t put my foot down. I suspect the car was parked badly in a pothole, or more likely, was momentarily shifted off balance by an earthquake, as I do not normally misjudge jumps in this way. Chicken immediately came to comfort me by licking my ear. Back at home, we played with our toys and she didn’t shout at me once! What was going on?

I took advantage of her co-operative mood, and called a meeting to discuss the problem of Ugly Cat and his spying. I was able to speak about the situation for an extended period of time, with Chicken paying close attention to everything I said. She never took her eyes off me. I was very impressed with her, particularly when she demonstrated her understanding of the situation by stopping me to ask if we were enraged. I replied in the affirmative that we definitely were enraged, and that I was glad that we were of the same mind. I went on to say that we would remain enraged for a short time only, as I had already made plans which I intended to put into action very soon.

Apparently, this signalled the end of the meeting, as Chicken suddenly jumped up and ran off screaming and giggling into the garden. She was hysterical for some reason that I couldn’t understand. If I’d been able to catch her, I would have asked her what the cause was, but I doubt it is anything important.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags:

86. The Spy Who Watched Me – by Monty

Posted on May 4, 2016 by Mydogslife
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Where did this come from?

This morning I awoke to find a strange little being on the patio. I decided not to investigate too closely, as Ugly Cat was sitting on the shed next door and I wanted to talk to him before he ran away. I informed him that I wished to speak to him about his following us on our patrols, and he agreed to a discussion.

I told him that I was the leader of a secret organisation and that his presence on our patrols was unwanted and extremely suspicious. I felt it was only fair to tell him that he was being closely observed and his movements were being monitored by members of my team.

Ugly Cat then astonished me by saying that I was the one being closely observed and monitored by him. Ridiculous! He also said that he wasn’t following us on our patrols, but was instead ahead of us as he already knew our routes. I replied that this was impossible, as our secret routes were known only to the secret members of my secret organisation. He then rather cryptically said that he ‘had his sources.’ 

I warned him not to cross the line where I was concerned, and reminded him that I am a trained professional. He was rude enough to laugh, and asked if I was trained to play in mud. When I demanded that he explain himself, he said that he knew all about the mud heads. I was furious by this time! How could he possibly know about my Mud Head Project? I made it very clear how angry I was and although he shouted that he wasn’t frightened of me, he did run away. The universal language of raised heckles works every time.

I have come to the conclusion that Ugly Cat has spies working for him, so I must make it a priority to identify and eliminate those involved. This is serious business, and must be approached in the most serious manner. Despite this, I tried to speak to Chicken about it, but she had found the little being by then and was busy throwing it in the air and catching it. I left her to it, and retired to my bed to formulate a plan.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

85. My Monty Lovely Bum- by Chicken

Posted on May 3, 2016 by Mydogslife

I has been all angry cross with Ugly Cat because he did all throw an old, rotty fish head in my garden. Monty did say he would tell Ugly Cat off, but I did see him this morning so I did tell him off first. I did tells him that me and big Monty were all going to make mud heads and we is going to make one of him with a big head and a big bottom. He did hiss at me and then went away all huffy and upset.

I did decides to marry Monty again, so I did go to sit with him in his bed and he didn’t gets up so we did sit together. I did tell him that we was getting married, and then he dids get up and go and hide under the table. Then I was sad. Then I did think that I would be all lovely lovely to him from now on and that then he will all wants to marry me.

When we all did go to the lake, a Puggy dog did come and play with him and she did kiss his face so I did say get lost to her. Monty did all say that it wasn’t his fault that everyone loved him and that he couldn’t help being handsome. Then he was all attacked by a mini Yorkshire Terry who did bark at his foot. Monty did just stare at it and did not know what it was. So I did all look after him by pushing in the way of the little doggie.

We did go to visit Big Rabbit and she did teacher me all how to keep cats out the garden. When we all did get home I did have a big sleep and I did dream that Ugly Cats was throwing fish at me, but I did put my tongue out at him all rude. BOOM! BOOM!

Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags:

83. Synchronous Diaphragmatic Flutter – by Monty

Posted on April 30, 2016 by Mydogslife
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Disgusting object

Chicken went out early this morning, and reappeared seconds later with something in her mouth. She dropped it on the carpet when she tried to speak with her mouth full, and I snatched it up and ran into the kitchen with it, which was where The Fairy cornered me. Chicken was furious and demanded that I do something about it, stating that it was a nasty trick played by Ugly Cat. I had already lost interest though, having realised I couldn’t eat it. Also, I am more inclined to believe it was an uncoordinated seagull which had simply dropped its breakfast. I promised Chicken that I would confront Ugly Cat at the first opportunity though, as I do have responsibility for security.

I felt it necessary to ring Simon at the Department of Energy and Climate Change yesterday, to complain about the constantly changing climate.  I explained how it was affecting Chicken’s ability to judge her wardrobe for the day, and how much I disliked the rain. Yesterday we set out in the sunshine, and yet again got wet unexpectedly. As far as I’m concerned, that was the whole day ruined.

He couldn’t quite believe that he was speaking to me again, and quite clearly said, “I give up.” I told him this was not the attitude to take, as everyone was relying on him. Inexplicably, he asked me if I was working for a newspaper to which I replied in the negative. I have to say he was very helpful on this occasion, promising warmer weather to come. I thanked him for this, adding that Chicken and I would be able to plan our days more efficiently now that he was going to improve the climate.

I have been so focused on my work recently, that I haven’t paid much attention to my home life. The recent wet weather has meant that we have played more in the house, and when I stopped for a minute to think about it, this has become rather enjoyable. Chicken is now much more willing to allow me to play with my own toys, and we can get through a whole five minutes of frolicking around without the inclusion of teeth and nails. It is all becoming rather good fun.

We recently embarked on one such energetic play session straight after eating, despite warnings from The Fairy. I should have listened, because moments later I was struck down with a serious case of synchronous diaphragmatic flutter. Chicken called it hiccups but I always insist on the correct medical terminology where my ailments are concerned. After ascertaining that this was not dangerous, The Fairy and Chicken spent some time laughing at me. Though both of them gave me big kisses afterwards to help me feel better, and Chicken came to sit next to me.

Simon has been true to his word, and it is warmer today and sunny. I am taking my unit out for a walk, and later intend to do some more work securing the garden. Ugly Cat has taken to sitting on the shed next door and watching us, so now is not the time to be complacent, particularly considering the disgusting object situation which occurred this morning.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: ,

82. I Just Doesn’t Know What To Wear – by Chicken

Posted on April 29, 2016 by Mydogslife

All over the last few days yesterday, we did have every big weather in the days. First it was all sunny sunshine and then we did have a strange big wind and then when we was walkering we did get hit by hail stones. We has had on our thin coats, our warm coats, our big coats and we has also been out in the rudy nudy. Yesterday in the morning it was warm but then it did a big change when we was all outside. It was all proper snowing by the time we got backs to the house and I did say it was like Christmas and where was my present?

Monty did then all go like a teacher, teachering me about dates. I did say that I wasn’t interested in the ‘Gregorian, Western or Christian calendar which is most widely used’ and I just wanted my Christmas present. Monty did say I was unreasonable expectoring Father Christmas to bring me presents in April and that it would all ruin Father Christmas’ reputation if he suddenly bringed me a present at the beginnering of summer. He also did say Father Christmas might all have problems with the National Union of Elves, so I did say get lost.

It was all sunny sunshine again laters, so I did go outs into the garden. Ugly Cats did come onto the big fence and I did do jumpy jumps to catch him. He did all jump onto the shed next door and then did ask why I was all angry. I did tell him about all not getting a present and then I did say that Ugly Cats wasn’t allowed to follow us anymore on our walks. He did say that he was only helpering us and he was betterer at patrols than us. Big Monty did all hear this so he did runned out into the garden all big and strong and Ugly Cats did say we was really rude and then he runned away.

We did racing around the mud garden for ages because we was all excited, and then we did have tea and go to sleepy sleep. Today it is all raining so Monty can’t all go for a wee. The Fairy did say she would all put his big coat on him before he blows up. BOOM! BOOM!

Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags:

81. Something Strange Happened On The Way To The Field – by Monty

Posted on April 27, 2016 by Mydogslife

We went to the lake yesterday morning and saw a lot of wildlife. I am not a big fan, as they are an unruly bunch that don’t seem to have any discipline at all. However, we did see a fox which ran across our path and along the lane. It was beautiful and I really wanted to catch it up and speak with it. I was unfortunately thwarted in my attempts to reach it, as The Fairy’s slow pace and weight held me back. We also saw a family of ducks. I couldn’t count the ducklings accurately, but I estimate there being about 57.

I had intended this outing to be a training session and started at a brisk pace. We walk the same route everyday, which allows me to calculate improvement by seeing how long it takes us. Chicken sabotaged it by stopping to sniff every blade of grass. It took us longer than it usually does. At one point, The Fairy tried to pull us off the lane to a patch of grass to allow a lady to pass by with her miniature chihuahua. I absolutely refused to move to the grass, as this was not on our designated route. The lady had to pick up her dog as she passed. But the route is the route, and cannot be changed under any circumstance.

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Guard duty in the sunshine 

In the afternoon we headed out to the field. As we left our street, a cat appeared in front of us whom Chicken said was Ugly Cat. As we turned into the narrow alleyway, it again appeared from the hedge. It must have run through some back gardens to head us off. Half way along the alley, we turn down a cut-through which allows us to avoid a corrugated metal fence which unsettles The Fairy. It is not fair to walk her past it when it frightens her.

At the end of this cut-through is a bin. Ugly Cat was sitting on it. By this time I was becoming suspicious. On our return journey, the cat was again spotted ahead of us in the alley. It was almost as if the cat knew our route and was purposely putting itself in our path. I am tempted to say it was following us, but it always appeared in front of us, as if it knew where we would be walking before we got there.

This concerned me somewhat, as this is our secret walk which forms part of our patrol. How could Ugly Cat know of our secret patrol? I attempted to discuss the matter with Chicken, but she was giggling to herself and singing, “Boom, boom, Chicky, chic.” I wrote a report when I got home, to ensure I didn’t forget any of the details. I will have to take action if anything similar happens again.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

80. Montysaurus – by Chicken

Posted on April 26, 2016 by Mydogslife

Yesterday in the morning all early at half past five past, Monty did go out in the garden all huffy because there was a big dangerous thing all getting us. But it was not a dangerous thing it was just his birdie wee station that had all blown down in the windy wind. He did pace up and down in front of it and his heckles did all go up massive all the way to his big bottom. The Fairy did say that he looked like a dragon or a stegosaurus. Then he did attack it with a big wee.

When he all came backs inside he did say it was safe for me to go outside so I dids go out on my own. I did sniff about to see if a hedgehog had all been in my garden and when I looked up I did see Ugly Cats sitting on the fence. He did say hello and I did say why was he being all friendly because I didn’t all like him and didn’t want him to take my toys.

Ugly Cats did all say that he was the all most important cat in the streets and we should not be doing patrols without his permission. I did tell him that Montysaurus can all do anything he wants because he is all in charge of everything and he is big and strong. Ugly Cats then did say that he could do a patrol betterer than us because he could all go in places we couldn’t go and he can go at the nightime in the dark night.

I dids then tell him that we do the big nightime patrols all over and I did tell him where we go in the streets. Ugly Cats said he would all do the patrol first before us and I said our patrol was secret so he couldn’t come. Ugly Cats got all prickly and said I would regret not letting him be in charge because he was all important. I then did say I was all going to get Montysaurus because he gets rid of monsters in the garden and Ugly Cats runned away.

So I win.

Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: ,

79. I Wants Promotion – by Chicken

Posted on April 24, 2016 by Mydogslife

It has been all sunny sunshine again and we has all been in the big garden. I does chase Monty around and I is faster than him. The Fairy hoovered the big grass and it was all noisy. Ugly Cats did come and watch me playing with my toys so I did go and shout at him. He did say that he was all going to come in my garden and I did tell him how big and strong me and Monty is.

I did tell Ugly Cats about our patrol and how we is all getting ready to catching the ill eagle fracking people and that Bob and Dave was all doing it as well. Ugly Cats said that he could all do a patrol betterer than us and I did all laugh at him because he is not cleverer enough to all do a patrol like Monty. Ugly Cats did say he could help and I did say get lost and then Ugly Cats did all get angry and go away.

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Rubbish criminal 

Monty in the afternoon did go in a bag and gets a sausage roll and The Fairy said, “Where’s my sausage rolls?” Monty did say he didn’t know but The Fairy did know that it was him, and she did say Monty wouldn’t make a very good criminal. I did laugh but then I did not laugh because I did not gets a sausage roll.

Then I did tell Monty that I did want to be in charge next time on the secret patrol, but Monty did say that I all couldn’t do it because I lacked the necessary level of concentration required. I did say that I all did have many concert station so Monty did say I should prove it by writing a report about our first patrol. So I did write my betterer report abouts it:

We did all sets off together in the night time. Monty sausage did go at the front and I did walks next to him with the sausage. In the dark on the sausage corner with the sausage in a bag. Sausage saw much cats with the sausage crumbs sausage. The sausage in the roll bag of the sausage special sausage. Bring sausage roll sausage sausages. THE END

I does all have enough concert station. BOOM! BOOM!

Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: ,

78. Mixed Results – by Monty

Posted on April 22, 2016 by Mydogslife
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The damage can be clearly seen

Yesterday The Fairy cut the mud in the back garden. It looks a lot tidier and the full extent of the damage can now be clearly seen. Ugly Cat appeared on the fence and had a long, private conversation with Chicken. I did not get involved in this, as I was busy guiding The Fairy at the time. I find that running directly in the path of the lawn mower is the best technique here.

Last night we embarked on our first reconnaissance mission and I’m pleased to report it was a success of sorts. I had devised a recording system to allow all members of the team to accurately document any findings. The recording sheets were returned to me in various states of disrepair, and did not yield as much information as I had hoped.

Bob from the Council screwed up his bit of paper as soon as we left the unit and threw it on the floor, but was asked by PC Dave from the Station to pick it up straight away as it contravened the Clean Neighbourhoods and Environment Act 2005. The Fairy mentioned that you can report littering to the Council so Bob said it made more sense for him to report himself to himself in the morning, thus negating the need for Dave to handcuff him and take him to the Station. Dave agreed to this, in the interest of reducing the amount of paperwork he had to do.

Dave had used his to draft out a written warning to Bob about littering; The Fairy had drawn a basic street plan and marked on it every shrub or plant that she liked the look of, with the intention of returning in daylight to inspect them further; and Chicken had used hers to write a love letter to Jurgen Klopp. It became apparent that more training was required vis-a-vis the recording sheets. It is my belief that those responsible for the illegal fracking had got wind of our patrol, and shut down operations for the night. In this respect, our patrol was highly successful.

Upon our return we had a long debriefing over cake and coffee, during which it was again raised as an issue that Chicken was responsible for all the damage in the garden. Chicken said that it was Ugly Cat, and also went on to accuse me of contributing to the disintegration of the lawn without realising it. Outrageous!

Does she think I’m some sort of idiot?

Monty

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , , , , , , ,

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