Monty

70. Tax Evasion By Chicken – by Monty

Posted on April 6, 2016 by Mydogslife

Chicken has decided to stash all her toys in an off-shore investment fund in Panama. She has heard on the news that this is where people can keep things safely hidden from the government, and by extension, Ugly Cat.

She has been unsettled since her recent altercation with Ugly Cat, and is convinced that he will take her toys. I reassured her that the cat wasn’t ever going to take her things, but she remained unconvinced. I tried to calm her down by promising to protect her property, but she wouldn’t shut up about finding the best hiding place. In the end, I had to ring Simon from the DECC to get some further information.

I asked Simon if it were true that Panama is the best place to hide things. I think he must be very busy at the moment, as he had forgotten who I am, asking if I was some kind of comedian. He then went on to say that he had nothing to say on the matter. Total waste of time.

Later today I am going to contact Grandad, with a view to setting up a meeting with him to discuss the construction of a safe box for Chicken to use. I anticipate this being quite an interesting project.

Panama has been added to my list of possible locations to move Britain to, in the event of us having to leave Your Rope. It’s a beautiful part of the world, and we’d be closer to our tax revenue, should we ever need it.

Monty

 

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69. What Did I Just Say? – by Monty

Posted on April 5, 2016 by Mydogslife

THIS IS TOTALLY AND UTTERLY UNACCEPTABLE.

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First there was one …

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Then the population doubled

Birds: give them an inch and they’ll take a yard. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times. Yesterday there was one; today there are two; tomorrow who knows how many there will be? 500? I predicted this scenario weeks ago and now it seems my prophecy is coming true. I took my eye off the ball and now my complacency is coming home to roost. So to speak.

They say that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but I say stay in the bush. In someone else’s garden. Far away.

 

I intend doing some research later to ascertain whether pigeons eat moss or not. I don’t want them jeopardising my Mud Head Project.

Monty

 

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67. Emergency Meeting – by Monty

Posted on April 2, 2016 by Mydogslife

Minutes of the emergency meeting called Friday 1st April 2016.

Item 1

Apologies for absence received from Arky-Ollie-Just, PC Dave from the Station, Bob at the Council, Simon from the DECC. Reasons given:

  • Arky-Ollie-Just: history related activities
  • PC Dave: chasing a dinosaur through the town centre
  • Bob: on family holiday
  • Simon: “Don’t be ridiculous.”

Those present at the meeting: Monty The Great, Separation Anxiety Chicken, The Fairy, Alive Orange Blob.

Item 2

It was felt necessary to discuss the absence of PC Dave, due to the fact that Chicken could not concentrate knowing there was a dinosaur in the vicinity. The Chairman (Monty The Great) reassured her that PC Dave would deal with it and that no people or animals were in any danger. The Fairy put forward a proposal that it was an April Fools joke, but this was dismissed by the Chairman on the grounds that police officers never joke about public safety.

Item 3

The unexplained hole was explained by the Chairman as being the result of illegal fracking. The Fairy submitted a second proposal, suggesting Chicken was responsible. Chicken denied this, proposing instead that we blame Ugly Cat. As Ugly Cat was not present at the meeting to defend itself, the motion that the hole is the result of illegal fracking stands.

Item 4

Appropriate behaviour during meetings was discussed. The Chairman made clear that instances of inappropriate behaviour would not be tolerated. These include: shouting, snorting, spitting, sulking, getting up to make coffee, bringing unauthorised toys to the table, answering a Skype call from Grandma and Grandad, and disagreeing with the Chairman.

Item 5

The Chairman brought the meeting to a close due to extended periods of inappropriate behaviour. It was noted that Alive Orange Blob had behaved impeccably and was therefore voted in as Vice Chairman, despite objections from The Fairy and Chicken.

The Chairman resolved this issue by drawing their attention to the last example of inappropriate behaviour listed in Item 4.

Item 6

The date of the next meeting was set for Friday 8th April 2016.

Meeting abandoned at 1430 hrs.

 

Monty The Great, Chairman

 

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66. Further Hole Discovered – by Monty

Posted on March 31, 2016 by Mydogslife
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Unexplained hole which appeared in the same spot where Chicken had been sunbathing

There appears to be a communication problem with the kitchen staff. Although I order well in advance, I keep being presented with dog food concoctions instead of steak. Due to other pressing matters however, I will have to deal with this at a later date.

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Chicken sunbathing in safer times

It seems the ground is far more unstable than I had thought. Another large hole has opened up overnight in the exact spot where Chicken had been sunbathing. I’m worried that the whole garden will disintegrate if something is not done quickly, and it would be tragic if Chicken disappeared into a hole in the ground. I might need to cordon off the garden for safety’s sake. Chicken tried to blame it on Ugly Cat, who she says has been watching her again, but I doubt it has the necessary skill to dig such a deep hole. It is more likely to be the result of the illegal fracking and it is high time this was stopped.

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Protecting orange toy

I intend calling an emergency meeting in the near future. Arky-Ollie-Just, PC Dave from the Station, Bob at the Council and Simon from the DECC will all be invited. Chicken will be in attendance but will be given strict instructions not to say anything.

Speaking of Chicken, she has been working hard during our training sessions and I am pleased with the progress she is making. She has developed an obsession with my new orange toy however, so I am having to carry it around with me everywhere. This is just to keep it safe though; not because I am in love with it.

Monty

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63. All’s Well – by Monty

Posted on March 25, 2016 by Mydogslife

I have made contact with the Easter Bunny who assures me that he is more than capable of looking after himself. He said that there have been many instances over the years when people have wanted to keep him all to themselves as a pet, but as far as he can gather, he is still as free as a bird. He also said that he doesn’t usually deliver to dogs but that he would see what he could do this year, seeing as I had shown him so much concern.

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Sunbathing Chicken 

Chicken is out sunbathing as it is such a lovely day, and I have already completed all my daily security checks. Although Chicken did not seek my prior permission before beginning her second trench, I have decided to approve it on the grounds of good workmanship.

The only fly in the ointment so to speak, is that The Fairy has put some dried grubs of some description onto the top of my wee station in an attempt to attract wild birds into the garden. We really are not singing from the same hymn sheet.

Monty

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61. Hill Training – by Monty

Posted on March 23, 2016 by Mydogslife
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Sprint training

When I woke up yesterday I knew instinctively that something was amiss but couldn’t quite put my finger on it. It was not until Chicken and The Fairy went out into the garden to check the snail house that I could see what the problem was. The Fairy now has purple hair. There is some debate about a dog’s ability to see in colour, but it’s definitely purple. I do not respond well when a member of my unit is attacked, and as soon as I find out who did it, I will make sure they are incapable of inflicting this type of injury on anyone else ever again.

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Chicken digging her own trench

With regards to training, I decided to take my unit out to improve the overall fitness level and stamina. Chicken gives me no cause for concern but The Fairy is proving to be the weakest link. The first activity I embarked upon was hill training. I tried to keep up a brisk pace and Chicken coped admirably, but The Fairy moaned and complained all the way to the top. This gives me great cause for concern as the annual fitness test is coming up and I refuse to have one of my company fail. She has a lot of work to do.

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Guard duty

Upon our return, I conducted a short sprinting exercise which we all enjoyed. Chicken then spoilt my whole day by insisting on digging out her so called trench. I thought she had forgotten about it but she returned to it time and time again. I tried to tell her that Bob at the Council had not given her planning permission but she said she didn’t care. I had to stay on guard duty nearly the whole day to prevent her causing further damage.

I have invited Dave from the Station over at the weekend, and I do not want him to:

  1. Think that I cannot control the members of my unit.
  2. See a great big galloping trench in the garden which could be used for conducting some kind of anti-social behaviour.

Monty

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59. Progress at last – by Monty

Posted on March 21, 2016 by Mydogslife

The Fairy has finally decided to make my garden more interesting. Chicken and I love the fact that we can run around it without having to negotiate any kind of obstacle course, but it would be nice to have some features in it. I need to ensure that The Fairy doesn’t plan anything that will interfere with my Mud Head Project, but I’m sure she will follow any instructions that I give her. I am the project manager after all.

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My new posh toilet

The first feature that she has put in for me is a rather posh toilet, which she has imported from Holland. It appears to have some kind of decorative top which resembles a beach hut. She twittered on about bird food but I really don’t know why. I would never allow her to do anything to attract birds into my garden due to the potential damage they could do to the already unstable grass/mud. She should know by now that I am very good at ‘restricting access to food sources’  where birds are concerned.

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The reason why The Fairy should not be allowed to go shopping on her own

Further to this, she has also purchased two smaller toilets for me which are to go on the patio for the moment, but will apparently be moved to a flower bed when she gets round to planting one. I view these two with a little less enthusiasm than my main toilet. Firstly they will probably be harder to hit, as they are quite small, and secondly, they are ugly, if you ask me.

Chicken and The Fairy are beside themselves with happiness with the purchase, and are congratulating each other on their contribution to the rehoming of retired, injured or abandoned garden snails. Apparently, they are expecting these fictitious snails to take up residence in the snail house.

To me, it just illustrates the fact that The Fairy should not be allowed to go shopping without my direct supervision.

Monty

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57. Time To Shape Up – by Monty

Posted on March 15, 2016 by Mydogslife

I have just finished speaking with Dave from the Station. It was necessary for me to report an intruder who threatened the safety of my unit. We were not in any immediate danger, as I was on duty at the time, but I felt it prudent to inform the police in case I need to borrow some equipment from them in the future.

At 0630hrs I conducted the first inspection of the perimeter fence. Finding nothing untoward, I retired to my bed in order to plan the rest of the day. Chicken reported seeing Ugly Cat jumping off the back fence, but she tends to do this every morning so I did not take her report seriously.

At 0700hrs we both went out again and I immediately identified said cat sitting on top of the fence, very close to the house. Chicken joined me in verbally attacking the cat, and then took it a step further by trying to reach it by jumping up. I attempted to dislodge it by repeatedly throwing my weight against the fence. The Fairy was very frightened of the cat, so called us in and closed the curtain. She applauded our attempts to scare it away, and said we had to leave it alone for a few minutes to give it the chance to walk away.

At 0715hrs the curtain was pulled back again, only to reveal an unbelievable situation. Ugly Cat had indeed moved from the fence. To my patio! It was sitting about six inches off the glass looking in. I rather believe it wanted to come in.

To the untrained eye, it could have looked like Chicken and I lost control, but I was simply following military procedure, and Chicken was simply following my example. When under attack, there simply is no choice but to come out fighting. Retreating is NOT an option. Our attempts at hand to hand combat were thwarted somewhat by the presence of the patio door, but I like to believe our show of strength gave Ugly Cat something to think about.

It doesn’t appear to be the cleverest cat in the world, because it didn’t immediately scarper. Chicken said it wanted to get her and her toys, but I said it was just a bit slow, and wouldn’t return once it had had time to think things over. Just in case it decides to attack again however, I am instigating a programme of training for my whole unit to ensure we are combat ready.

PC Dave said that there was nothing he could do at the moment as Ugly Cat hadn’t caused any criminal damage, but he did say that I had done the right thing reporting the incident. He said he would step up his patrols in the area and reminded me not to take the law into my own hands.

I reminded him that I am a professional, and assured him that I would involve him in any future operations. He said he would really appreciate that, as he didn’t have enough to do already. He is such a nice man.

Monty The Great

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56. Why Don’t Tiny People Like Bread? – by Monty

Posted on March 14, 2016 by Mydogslife
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Allowing Chicken to touch me

Chicken is, for some reason, convinced that she is now a film star. We went on our daily walk around the lake yesterday and she offered everyone her autograph. Most people were polite enough to humour her and the dogs that we met were very impressed. The ducks however, just laughed. I told them in no uncertain terms to go and jump in the lake. I have added ducks to my list of undesirable birds.

The tiny people were out in force. It appears that many of them do not like bread, as they had brought it with them and were throwing it into the lake and all over the paths. I never like to see good food go to waste, so Chicken and I ate as much of it as we could.

It has been very warm recently so instead of working we have been out playing. This has allowed me to keep the garden clear of pigeons and cats. I do not want my Mud Head Project being interfered with by the local wildlife so it is imperative that I keep an eye on their activity. I have decided to model my first mud head on Bob at the Council. I will need to contact him to ask his permission, as I do not want to fall foul of any copyright laws with regards to copying his face. The last thing I want is any more bad feeling between us.

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Grandma made a cake

It was The Fairy’s birthday at the weekend so Grandma made me a cake. We all pretended that it was for The Fairy though, as we didn’t wish to upset her on her special day. I dropped my usual one metre exclusion zone with Chicken, and allowed her to sit on the large greyhound bed with me, in a display of friendship. She appreciated this act of charity.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty

52. Phase 1 of the Mud Head Project Is Under Way – by Monty

Posted on March 8, 2016 by Mydogslife

Today I started Phase 1 of my Mud Head Project. A project will always be successful if the appropriate PPP has been carried out. PPP = Prior Preparation and Planning. My first job was to decide where to build my first mud head (I intend there to be three in total), and then mark this out in some way.

My first thought was to mark the spot with one of our toys, but Chicken took a dislike to this suggestion on the grounds that she didn’t want her toys being left out alone in case they were stolen by Ugly Cat. I then put forward the idea that she could stand on the spot until I was ready to start Phase 2. This was rejected due to the fact that it would necessitate her being on her own and separated from The Fairy.

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Awaiting inspection 

I could not find anything appropriate with which to mark the spot as, for some reason, The Fairy has put every single useful thing in the whole house out of my reach. I really do not understand how her mind works sometimes. How does she expect me to operate efficiently without the right equipment?

My military training had taught me that in an emergency, use what you already have. The only thing that came to mind which was already present in the garden, was the consequences of the illegal fracking. The root system of the grass had already been weakened by the vibrations, so I decided to use this to my advantage. Churning up the weakened grass was incredibly easy, and we managed to draw a boundary around the proposed site for the mud head. It’s not as clear as I would have hoped, but I think with a little more work, the grass will be completely gone in no time.

Phase 2 will involve building up a basic mound of mud before any sculpture can take place. The consistency needs to be absolutely right or it will collapse with the first sign of rain. In order to check its credentials, we brought some of the mud into the house to examine later. Luckily, The Fairy had only just vacuumed the carpet, so there was a nice un-contaminated area to put it on.

Here is the footage of us marking out the boundary:

Monty

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