Monty

220. Making The Most Of The Snow – by Monty

Posted on March 18, 2018 by Mydogslife
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In the lead as usual.

I sincerely apologise for neglecting my communication duties. I do hope that everyone is well. The thing is, I have only just regained consciousness after forgetting to send Chicken a Valentine’s Day card. We have decided unanimously never to speak of it again.

I feel a quick update of events is in order. Firstly, I received a letter from The House Of Commons. I have returned it unopened as it was incorrectly addressed simply to Monty. If the government wants my advice about something they can use my official title of Monty The Great.

Secondly, Chicken is convinced that she is being stalked by a ghost cat. I rang PC Dave at the Station to ask if there had been any other reports of said ghost cat, to which he replied in the negative. He has promised to keep his eye out for anything suspicious.

Thirdly, we are still caught in the nightmare that is the diet.

Lastly, I have called a meeting to discuss the refurbishment of my garden. I have big plans for this year with regards vegetables. Work will begin as soon as this snow has cleared. Until then, Chicken and I will make the most of it.

Monty The Great

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218. Using Your Slow Cooker At Christmas – by Monty

Posted on December 23, 2017 by Mydogslife

 

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Slow-cooked Chicken 

The best setting for my new electric bed is 3. This is the hottest setting. I have been conducting endurance tests on it, to ensure it complies with all Health and Safety regulations. It does. However, my lying on it for nine hours at a time and the fact that Chicken has abandoned the settee in favour of said electric bed, has drawn the attention of The Fairy.

Today she put her hand under my rib cage and realised how hot I was. According to her, my sleeping on it for nine hours is the same as being stewed in a slow cooker. I see no problem but The Fairy immediately turned it down to 1.

I tried to turn it back up again but could not do so with my paws. There is a design fault in the control pad. Fear not people – I have a plan. I will limp badly until she turns it back up.

1. The hedgehog’s visit has had an unexpected positive impact on the Rudolf apology situation. Chicken was very upset when the hedgehog left, so I used this to explain how upset all the children will be if Father Christmas can’t deliver their presents.

2. Although I may have rather pushed the boundaries of honesty, I also told her that the polar bear had apologised for looking at her in a mean way. It didn’t. It’s made of plastic.

Chicken has responded well and I’m pleased to report that this two pronged approach has secured from her a promise to apologise to Rudolf on Christmas Eve, just in time for Christmas to go ahead as usual.

No thanks necessary.

Monty

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217. It’s Not A Hotel I’m Running – by Monty

Posted on December 21, 2017 by Mydogslife

 

‘‘Tis the season etc. Usually at this time of year I am full of joy and goodwill to all. However, the word ‘all’ when used in this context does not mean everybody. As a general rule of thumb, it means everybody – except wildlife. Of any description.

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Get out!

Yesterday evening we had an unexpected visitor of whom I seriously disapproved. The Fairy seemed to be carrying out some kind of scientific experiment on it, involving weighing scales and MY FOOD! Chicken thought it was an early Christmas present and didn’t respond well to being told that it wasn’t hers. As I was within biting distance, my first thought was that eating it would be the quickest way to get rid of it. This didn’t go down well with Chicken or The Fairy.

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Show-off.

Luckily, The Fairy threw it out again after declaring it to be fat, in good health and eating well. I thought that was the end of wildlife in my house but today a rather pompous looking owl turned up. The words gaudy, ostentatious and exhibitionist spring to mind. Apparently, it is staying with us for the whole of the Christmas period. I will not be engaging it in conversation.

Negotiations have recommenced with Chicken about the Rudolf apology. I am determined to reach an agreement by the deadline of Christmas Eve. Father Christmas is pushing for a deal as early as possible, but as I have said many times before: Good things come to those who wait.

Father Christmas doesn’t want to wait.

Monty

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215. In The Manner To Which I Am Accustomed – by Monty

Posted on December 19, 2017 by Mydogslife

 

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I’m still on it now.

There has been talk of arthritis in regards to my foot. During the recent cold weather I have been reduced to hopping. The usual remedy administered by The Fairy in the event of illness or injury is sausages and roast chicken. Unfortunately, this time it did not work. It helped a lot. But it did not work.

I am pleased to announce that I am now the proud owner of an electric bed, which is working. The Fairy has produced an electric blanket from somewhere and has built up a rather super bed for me, complete with Christmas blanket. This is the level of treatment that I deserve in my retirement.

 

The first round of talks about the Christmas cancelling situation have broken down. Chicken put forward a proposal which was totally unacceptable. The Fairy was inclined to consider it, but I put my non-arthritic foot down. I fully understand the importance of reaching a settlement, but my self respect is worth more than Christmas.

Isn’t it?

Monty

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214. Is Christmas To Be Cancelled? – by Monty

Posted on December 18, 2017 by Mydogslife
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Where’s your Christmas spirit gone, Chicken? 

This morning I received a communication from Father Christmas. He is not in a good mood. Apparently, Rudolf is refusing to fly unless Chicken apologises for last year. As you may recall, Chicken was rather rude to Rudolf and the poor thing was left out in the cold after being led to believe he was to be the guest of honour at a meal at our house. The invitation had to be rescinded at the last minute due to Chicken. I don’t mind telling you that I was rather embarrassed.

Naturally, and as usual, Chicken is refusing to apologise.

If I do not manage to illicit a heartfelt apology from her, Christmas will have to be cancelled. The first round of negotiations stalled at the first meeting held this morning.

Chicken is simply refusing to entertain the idea that she was in the wrong, so I will have to use my extensive diplomatic skills to find a solution. Failure is not an option. The Fairy has suggested that I provide some form of carrot to help Chicken make the right decision. In theory, a little bit of give and take on both sides should result in a satisfactory outcome.

Time is of the essence. I have told Chicken that she should go away and think about what she would need in order to be able to provide said apology. Hopefully she will come back with a proposal which will allow for a settlement to be drafted.

Monty

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213. What Am I Paying Her For? – by Monty

Posted on December 14, 2017 by Mydogslife

 

Honestly, I despair sometimes. All she was asked to do was produce a report about Brexit. If she were a member of the government and tried to pull a stunt like that, she’d have been fired by now.

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More important things to do?

Monty

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211. Date Of Brexit Brought Forward Without Consultation – by Monty

Posted on December 11, 2017 by Mydogslife

Chicken and I would like to say that we hope you are all well and that we are glad to be back. Unfortunately, my first news is somewhat alarming.

It appears that Britain has already left Europe without the public being made aware of it. As second in line to form a government, I was both offended and outraged in equal measure, that I had not been consulted. A formal complaint will be submitted shortly.

Although Mrs May is yet to release an official statement, it is quite clear to us that the move has already taken place. I have drawn this conclusion based on the following:

1. We are now obviously much closer to Norway than we were last week.

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Norwegian weather brings Britain to a halt

2. Intelligence provided by Chicken.

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Intelligent Chicken 

I cannot lie. I was rather skeptical when Chicken told me that she had seen reindeer and polar bears on her night time walks, but she was very insistent. Apparently, they have taken up residence all over the estate without my prior approval. As everyone knows, these sorts of animals are usually found much further north, suggesting to those of us intelligent enough to debate these issues, that Britain has indeed already moved.

Chicken wanted me to go out – in the dark I might add – to see the polar bears for myself, but unfortunately I was tied up with the writing of my formal complaint.

I have promised her that I will have a word with a certain polar bear tomorrow, as she was upset that it had looked at her “all mean.”

 

She is rather excited as I have asked her to write a report about her findings which will be published here tomorrow. I judge her to be at Excitement Level 3 at the moment.

I have retired to my office.

Monty

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208. Food Club – by Monty

Posted on August 4, 2017 by Mydogslife

We have been weighed. Between us, we have lost 200g which in real money is 8oz which in real life is ENOUGH. The Fairy is rather confused, but being in receipt of all relevant information, I fully comprehend the situation.

We have bested her. My superior intellect and highly advanced survival skills have ensured Chicken and I have not starved to death. It is not easy to keep a good dog down – and I happen to be Great.

As soon as I realised that the diet situation was to be ongoing, I formed a secret organization called FOOD CLUB.

The first rule of Food Club is: You do not talk about Food Club. The second rule of Food Club is: You do not talk about Food Club.

This being the case, and bearing in mind my absolute devotion to rules and regulations, I only intend to hint at my activities as a member of Food Club.

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Stealth Operative 

Let’s just say that the hedgehogs who have invaded my garden are not as big as they could have been, had they made it to the cake and peanut butter before I did. Let’s just say that The Fairy wasn’t loosing her mind when she couldn’t locate the digestives that she was sure she had purchased at the supermarket. Let’s just say, for arguments sake, that certain cupboards and a certain fridge freezer may not be as well stocked as they are believed to be.

On the plus side, my reputation as a stealth operative is completely intact.

Enough said.

Monty The Great

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207. The First Rule – by Monty

Posted on July 12, 2017 by Mydogslife

Chicken has made a remarkable recovery and is almost back to her normal self. I put this down to the care and attention that I have been administering diligently, and to the fact that she is made of elastic and high tension springs.

Yesterday I licked her ear as I am now allowed near her head without being warned off. She is more playful with me and her tail is wagging more. It remains to be seen whether this is a good or a bad thing. I have been on the receiving end of that tail once too often.

Now, with regards to food, the first rule of engagement is of the upmost importance and is universally accepted by all dogs:

1. All unattended and exposed food belongs to the dog.

For the purposes of this article, unattended is defined as being not in the hands of an adult. Exposed refers to any food accessible to the dog, up to and including items located after a thorough search of bags and cupboards.

As the leader, I have a duty to provide for all the members of my unit. To this end, after a well executed and stealth-like mission, I managed to secure two bagels for our breakfast. Timing was paramount, and my action would not have been discovered had it not been for Chicken’s lack of urgency.

I have scheduled in some training on statutory procedures to be followed by all.

I do not want Chicken being arrested for possession of stolen property.

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Eat or conceal. PROPERLY

Monty

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206. Hear Me Out – by Monty

Posted on July 11, 2017 by Mydogslife

In my line of work, it is important to think on your feet. Sometimes it is necessary to Improvise, Adapt and Overcome. This is where I excel. When the going gets tough, as they say, the tough get going. And the going is particularly tough at the moment with regards to the food situation and to Chicken’s teeth.

I have good news regarding her recovery. I accompanied her to the vets this morning for her check up. Ordinarily I wouldn’t set foot in the place, but I was there to support Chicken. I did a rather good demonstration of how one might shake if one were frightened of the vets, which everybody present found very useful. The vet was pleased with her progress so we are all very relieved. The Fairy has given both of us extra attention and has hand-fed Chicken with all sorts of nice things. I’m glad to say that I was also given some of this lovely PROPER food, in the interest of fairness.

Then it came to me. A flash of inspiration so profound that even I was stunned by my own brilliance. Improvise, adapt and overcome.

These are the facts:

  • We were put on a diet of gravel. 
  • Chicken had some teeth removed.
  • For a period of three days we were both given soft chicken, mince, black pudding and ham.

So, without even referring to the official text book, I have identified a method of obtaining good quality food for a period of at least three days: book Chicken into the vets. It’s that simple!

Hear me out.

Chicken has 26 teeth left, which in theory could mean up to 78 days of decent food if she were to have one tooth extracted at a time, and we were to get soft cooked real meat for three days after each extraction. I’m sure she will agree that that will be worth the small amount of discomfort she may feel.

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Stunned by my own brilliance

I have not yet ironed out all the details, but I intend to put the idea to Chicken as soon as she stops drooling.

Monty The Great

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