Monty

155. Why Did I Even Bother? – by Monty

Posted on October 10, 2016 by Mydogslife

As a rule, I don’t ask for praise or recognition for the contributions I make to society. I’m happy to go about my business in a professional and discreet manner; my reward being the safety of my unit and immediate community.

There are times however, when I go above and beyond to make a positive difference to the lives of those I’m responsible for, and for this, just a little bit of appreciation wouldn’t go amiss.

Case in point: my diligent cultivation of the tomatoes. I spent a considerable amount of time and effort ensuring the crop was a success in order to provide a valuable food resource for my unit. A day did not go by when they were not attended to. Everybody was impressed at the number of fruits I grew, and a certain amount of awe was expressed as they changed from green to red.

Imagine my disgust then, to find that absolutely nobody is willing to eat them. They are the most succulent tomatoes due to the fact that I watered them myself, at least three times a day.

Now I find, unbelievably, that despite this personal attention, there is a general air of reluctance to try them. I don’t know why I bothered. As far as I can see, there is nothing wrong with them. No explanation has been given for their lack of popularity. It seems that all that watering was a total waste of time.

You can do it yourself next year.

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I see no reason at all why these juicy tomatoes would not be enjoyed by all

Monty

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152. The Grass Is Always Greener On The Other Side – by Monty

Posted on October 4, 2016 by Mydogslife
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The original foundations

As you may recall, Chicken and I had worked very hard to dig out the foundations of our race track. The whole project had been fully approved by the government, to the best of my knowledge, so I foresaw no problems. Unfortunately, my plans had to be put on hold when Arky-Ollie-Just cordoned off the whole area without offering any explanation. The portable green fencing also denied us entry to my pit, which I was particularly annoyed about.

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Unnecessary portable green fencing

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Overgrown and ruined

This fencing remained in place for just over two weeks, rendering my project behind schedule. In addition to this, the foundations gradually disappeared, ruining all our hard work. When the fencing finally came down, the whole area was a disgrace. It was completely covered in thick, new grass which Arky-Ollie-Just immediately set about cutting. I checked over the whole area for any security breaches, of which there were none.

 

 

I’m pleased to report, that only four days later, the foundations for the race track have been re-done, and the project is now back on schedule, with an estimated completion date of early November. I do believe that both Arky-Ollie-Just and The Fairy were pleasantly surprised at the speed with which we rebuilt our track.

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Right back where we started

Monty

Categories: Arky-Ollie-Just, Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: ,

150. List Of Unfavourable Things – by Monty

Posted on October 3, 2016 by Mydogslife
  1. Dog food
  2. Loud noises
  3. Medium noises
  4. Quiet noises
  5. Noises of any description
  6. Rain
  7. Pigeons
  8. Gravel
  9. Vets – even the ones who are lovely and take care of me
  10. Chicken wanting to play with me when I’m tired/busy which invariably results in a lot of barking
  11. Chicken copying me
  12. Doors
  13. Human celebrations which require fireworks
  14. People vacuuming my office
  15. While I’m still in it
  16. Insubordination
  17. Cats who think they are better than me
  18. Portable green security fencing
  19. Unnecessary bureaucracy including the need for planning permission
  20. Nail clipping
  21. Any change of routine
  22. Any form of operating outside of agreed procedure
  23. Being forced into the garden when it’s cold
  24. Being forced to leave Big Ted at home when we go out in the car
  25. And interestingly – pork scratchings

All of the above items, with the possible exception of 9 and 20, are totally unnecessary in my opinion. I have to prepare myself now, as we are going on a special trip out in the car.

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Big Ted and Big Monty 

Monty

 

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148. Trials And Tribulations – by Monty

Posted on September 18, 2016 by Mydogslife

After being subjected to seven days of bed rest, I was extremely excited about going out again. So you can imagine my annoyance at being told that it was then too hot to go out. After a further two days, we eventually made it out to the woods.

The pre-approved plan was to walk 20 minutes out, and 20 minutes back. The first stage went well, but the second stage degenerated into aimless wandering and back-tracking, covering a period of approximately 40 minutes. Not only was I subjected to a change of plan, I also had to endure one of the most severe downpours that I have ever experienced.

I do not do changes of plans, and I do not do rain. Which bit of this is difficult to understand?

In addition to these tribulations, I have also learnt from Grey Cat that the fox has been causing some trouble for The Watch. It somehow caught wind of our operations, and has made several attempts at a smear campaign, designed to discredit our integrity.

I am not particularly worried about this, as all our members are of the highest calibre, and would never behave in a manner unbecoming of those under my command.

Monty

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147. If Only You Could See What I See – by Monty

Posted on September 12, 2016 by Mydogslife
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Waiting for the ban to be lifted

There’s a pink hedgehog in my garden. It’s a hedgehog, and it’s pink. I have put in a request for night vision goggles.

Chicken intimated that I was seeing things, but The Fairy was with me and she also saw it. My pink hedgehog.

I am now back in the house but The Fairy has said that I can go out soon because my foot is better and the seven day ban on having fun of any kind is over.

Monty

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144. Disproportionate Reaction – by Monty

Posted on September 7, 2016 by Mydogslife

I would like to confirm officially that I do indeed have a poorly foot, but it is nothing that I can’t handle. The vet advised seven days of bed rest, no jumping and no digging. Unfortunately, The Fairy has decided to follow this advice which means no walks. I have been unable to perform my security patrols and will not be able to do so for another five days. This comes at a time when the threat level is at Amber, due to the presence of the fox.

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Total over-reaction 

In line with these restrictions, The Fairy has cordoned off the digging pit and most of the garden. She spoke briefly about “using this opportunity to kill two birds,” which suggests to me that her policy of attracting garden birds has been revoked. This kind of disproportionate reaction is exactly what I would expect of a civilian.

I am also inclined to believe that Bob at the Council has had some part in the restricted zone being implemented, as he made an unexpected visit last week, and made some derogatory comments about the racing ditch that Chicken and I are building. Our race track looks suspiciously level to me, but I cannot gain access to inspect it properly. Arky-Ollie-Just shares my concern for the track, as he has been watering it regularly for the past couple of days.

He is obviously keeping the ground moist for us, so that it will be easier to dig up again once the cordon comes down.

Monty

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142. First Meeting Of The Watch – by Monty

Posted on September 6, 2016 by Mydogslife

The first meeting of The Watch was well attended. I believe Ugly Cat must have informed everyone of the time and venue, as I know that I didn’t say a word. We had the meeting at dusk so that the nocturnal animals could partake.

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A mole in the pit

It appears that many of them are afraid that the fox may eat them, and feel that it requires removal from the area. Those present included pigeons, magpies, garden birds, bats, frogs, spiders, a mole which surfaced in my digging pit and – against my advice – the hedgehog.

Chicken displayed a level of wisdom I had not expected, by suggesting that the birds sleep high up out of its reach, and the rest of them hide. The spiders were deemed not to be in too much danger, but chose to stay anyway, out of civic duty.

The hedgehog seems to be the most at risk, so I suggested he employ his arsenal of spikes to protect himself. He then said that I was useless, which prompted a rather severe reaction from Chicken. He was only saved by the quick thinking of The Fairy, who disrupted the meeting, saying it was too late to have friends round to play.

Ugly Cat insisted that the fox needed relocating, to allow the “present system of management to remain in place.” I’ll admit to being a little suspicious of this comment. My military training tells me there is more to the situation than is being discussed openly, a sentiment which I shared with Chicken.

She is now on the Internet, researching conspiracy theories.

Monty

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141. The Independent Olympic Games Closing Ceremony – by Monty

Posted on September 1, 2016 by Mydogslife

Both Chicken and I have fully enjoyed our Independent Olympic Games. I have decided not to count up medals, in the interest of friendship.

The ceremony begins with Chicken showing the spirit of love between competitors through the medium of modern dance, before my big entrance from the back of the auditorium.

We then simulate some of the events we took part in, like track running and jumping, though my digging display was obscured by the flowers.

There was a slight altercation towards the end due to Chicken not following my choreography, but I do not believe it detracts from how successful the performance was.

Monty

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139. The Wildlife Watch – by Monty

Posted on August 30, 2016 by Mydogslife

Chicken has insisted that we perform a closing ceremony for our Independent Olympic Games, so I have spent some time choreographing a routine which we are now rehearsing on a daily basis. There is still a second Games to come, but my suggestion that we continue with our games has met with opposition, due to the fact that Chicken thinks she has won and doesn’t want to risk me catching up with regards medals awarded. The Fairy has also implied that she would like us to perform the ceremony as quickly as possible, to avoid further damage to my garden.

I have spent quite a lot of time in my office recently, which is located under the dining table. I’m in the process of planning some secret operational manouvers, which are in part a result of a meeting which I had with Ugly Cat.

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The Watch

Ugly Cat informed me that a fox has been sighted on the estate late at night, and that the local wildlife are extremely concerned about this. After giving the situation some thought, I suggested forming a Wildlife Neighbourhood Watch. Ugly Cat volunteered to lead the Wildlife Watch, but I recommended installing a more experienced officer to the post, citing my own credentials. This was only agreed upon, after Ugly Cat was appointed as Second In Command.

Chicken’s first suggestion that she eat all vulnerable wildlife to sabotage the fox’s plans was rejected on the grounds that it was rather at odds with the aims of The Wildlife Watch. She then demanded she be given the position of Public Relations Officer, which was reluctantly agreed upon, based on an understanding that she submit all her written statements for approval before releasing them to the press.

Chicken agreed to these terms, though did utter the word bum under her breath.

Monty

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138. Instant Karma’s Gonna Get You – by Monty

Posted on August 26, 2016 by Mydogslife

As you know, The Fairy and I have very different views regarding wildlife in the garden. I particularly disagree with the encouraging of wildlife by providing food policy which The Fairy insists on implementing. In all cases except the dried mealworms, either Chicken or I remove any such food as quickly and efficiently as possible.

Last night, Chicken beat me to the hedgehog’s peanut butter, after I specifically told her to leave it to me.

As John Lennon once said:

Instant Karma’s gonna get you. 

Gonna knock you right on the roof of your mouth.

Monty

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