Posts Tagged With: Ugly Cat

115. Do British Politicians Move Faster Than Greyhounds? – by Monty

Posted on July 12, 2016 by Mydogslife

I appear to have missed my chance of being Prime Minister. I was in the process of completing my application form, when Pete Who Can Build Anything turned up to do the patio, forcing me to postpone submitting my application in favour of supervising the build. When I looked up, the job had been taken.

If all goes according to plan, Mrs Theresa May will take over tomorrow, as long as nobody launches a revolution overnight. David Cameron is packing up his house, but is not allowed to take his favourite cabinet with him. Apparently, he is quite upset about this, so has spent the morning talking to it. I say let the man have his cabinet as a leaving present.

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Sausage dinner every day

My only other option now is to accept the job of Leader of the Opposition, and win the next election on a platform of greyhound voting rights and a no wildlife except greyhounds policy. Chicken has suggested a sausage dinner every day for greyhounds policy, which I am seriously considering.

My political credentials are as good as anybody’s, and I’m sure I could rely on the support of Bob at the Council. If I add police officers to my sausage dinner every day for … policy, Dave from the Station would certainly support me as well. It’s all looking very promising.

I have a meeting with Ugly Cat this afternoon, to discuss his involvement with illegal fracking. He has stated that he has solved the mystery, so I am very interested in what he has to say.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , , , ,

114. My Biggerer Big Eye – by Chicken

Posted on July 11, 2016 by Mydogslife

My big eye did get a bit better and then it did get a bit biggerer again so I did have to go back to the vetty vet to get some biggerer medicine. It is now getting all better so I is nearly not sick anymore. Which is good news because now I has to look after Monty donty because he has got a poorly tummy.

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Poorly Monty sulking

My toy was playing all by its alone on the settee, so I did jump up to get it. Then I did see Monty underneath my toy and I did land all big heavy on his tummy accidentally on accident. He did screaming all loud and I did jump away all quickly. Monty did snapping and snarling because his tummy was bleeding but I did get out the way before he could get me so everything is all OK. The Fairy did fuss over him so I did have to tell her to do the remembering about my big eye.

Ugly Cats wanted to know what was going on in my garden but I did tell him that he wasn’t allowed to know that we is having a patty built because it is not his business and he is nosey. He said he needed to speak to Monty but I did say I couldn’t all go to get him because Monty wasn’t all speaking to me. He said I had to tells Monty that he had found the ill eagle fracking and would take us to see it.

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My new patty being started

Monty was working with Pete Who Can Build Anything and was inspecting the patty trench. I did tell him that Ugly Cat said he would bring the ill eagle frackers to us, and Monty did get all mad. He did say that he doesn’t want his new patty being comp promised, so he is all going to arrest Ugly Cats. I did say we could eats him, but Monty said we need to squeeze him for information. I is all excited about squeezing the cats!

BOOM! BOOM!

Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , , ,

111. Swollen Eye Chicken – by Monty

Posted on June 30, 2016 by Mydogslife
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Swollen eye Chicken

I have been occupied taking care of Chicken for the last few days, as she has an eye the size of a golf ball. We are not sure what has happened, but her teeth and ears seem to be fine. Her right eye is so swollen that it is nearly closed. The vet has prescribed antibiotic eye drops, metacam and a lot of TLC. I am taking my responsibility seriously, and being extra kind to her. I will be taking her back to the vet if her eye is not better in a couple of days. It does not appear to have affected her appetite, so we are hoping this means there is no hidden infection in the roots of her teeth. Time will tell.

 

Ugly Cat has re-appeared and has expressed an interest in our sloth enclosure. I told him in no uncertain terms that he was to stay out of it. He told me that he would lead me to the field where he believes the illegal fracking to be taking place, in exchange for some play time in the sloth enclosure. I informed him that I could not guarantee his safety, and that I feel confident that I could locate said fracking site myself anyway. He said he would give me some time to think about his offer of help, and disappeared over the neighbour’s fence.

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Work in progress 

More work is taking place in the garden, and the rabbit has escaped but has made no attempt to leave the area.

It really is the world’s most boring rabbit.

Monty

 

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , ,

106. The Big Day – by Monty

Posted on June 23, 2016 by Mydogslife

Yesterday, work started on the garden.

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Job 1

Job 1  Fill in the holes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Job 2 

 

 

Job 2  Empty the holes to check whether they had been filled correctly in the first place. (They had.)

 

 

 

Job 3  Move the wood from one part of the garden to another.

I can’t work out whether The Fairy has actually built something, or whether she’s just made the effort to pile the wood up neatly. When I asked her she said it was a surprise. Ugly Cat said it was a raised bed, but Chicken said he was an idiot because a raised bed is known as a settee, and is always in the living room. The Fairy said it was not for plants, which leads me to believe it is a containment area for some kind of animal.

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Job 3: Sloth enclosure?

We already have a rabbit, albeit an elusive one, and now I fear I am being asked to accommodate yet more wildlife. Chicken is hoping it will be a kangaroo so they can have jumpy jumping competitions, but I said a kangaroo could easily jump out of the structure, thus rendering it useless. It is more likely to be an animal that cannot jump, such as a sloth. Chicken said a sloth would be boring, but I said it would be a nice change from a hyperactive frog. She then went off to look for said frog, having totally misunderstood the meaning of my words.

 

 

 

 

TODAY IS THE BIG DAY

We are all going off to vote soon. I have decided to attend to mark the importance of the event, despite the fact that I have been discriminated against vis-a-vis eligibility to vote. I may or may not register my disgust at this situation. I don’t ordinarily take part in demonstrations, but there is an outside chance that I will wee in the hut by way of protest.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , ,

101. Expanding The F.A.R.T? – by Monty

Posted on June 6, 2016 by Mydogslife
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Shining in the sun

It has been very warm and sunny over the last few days so Chicken and I have been sunbathing. The Fairy put up a large umbrella, as presumably she didn’t trust the weatherman and was preparing for rain. I will admit to being cautious by nature, but this really was being over cautious if you ask me. Having said that, I do admire someone who is prepared for every eventuality, and this is England, so not impossible that it should rain at any given moment.

I met with Ugly Cat yesterday evening, who was sitting on next door’s shed. He was in a good mood, saying he was looking forward to sitting on my new shed. I informed him that I had not yet allocated seating positions on my shed, but that I had already rejected applications from the pigeons and the magpies.

Ugly Cat said that he could be very useful from such a high vantage point, and could provide me with important information about any activity in the immediate vicinity. He started to tell me about some possible illegal fracking activity which he believes is taking place in a large field next to the estate, when we were interrupted by one of the above mentioned magpies. This bird proceeded to tell me that as a flyer capable of reaching quite high altitude, he would be infinitely more valuable than Ugly Cat, and requested that I re-assess his shed-sitting application.

Ugly Cat then lost control of himself and started hissing and spitting. He was on the point of launching an attack, when out of nowhere, Chicken launched her own. She flung herself at the fence and both the magpie and Ugly Cat scattered. I told her very sternly that I had been in the middle of an intelligence gathering operation, and was displeased with her having sabotaged it. She replied that she had come to play with me; called me boring, and ran off to find a toy.

I determined to contact all members of the F.A.R.T. in order to discuss the information I had received. After making a round of phone calls, the meeting has been set for Wednesday, and will take the form of a BBQ as suggested by PC Dave from the Station. Bob from the Council agreed to come (on this basis only), and I therefore feel it is imperative that Pete Who Can Build Anything visits my premises beforehand. If Bob sees that Chicken has been continuing with the trench building programme without planning permission, he may decide to prosecute. If we can show that we have firm plans in place to repair the damage, we may get away with it.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , , , , ,

99. Dizzy Chicken – by Monty

Posted on June 3, 2016 by Mydogslife

Yesterday, Chicken nearly knocked herself out. On my head. I was getting my unit ready for a walk, which necessitates putting leads on so we can attach ourselves to The Fairy to keep her safe. Chicken can’t control herself yet, so jumps up and down and very often hits The Fairy in the stomach. The Fairy throws the lead on the floor when this happens, and will only pick it up again when Chicken is standing still. Chicken knows this, but always goes through about five minutes of jumping and kicking anyway.

I, on the other hand, stand completely still with my head at the most convenient angle, as detailed in the indispensable 1996 volume How To Win Yourself A Home And Control Your Humans Once You’ve Got There. I am capable of jumping, and my head regularly reaches heights of more than six foot, but I never hit people so receive nothing but praise for my athletic ability. Chicken simply jumps about like a hyperactive grasshopper.

During the downward phase of one of these jumps, her lower jaw made contact with my skull. There really was no contest. She stopped abruptly and her little head swayed from side to side. The Fairy was very concerned and checked to see if she was injured, fearing that she may have bitten her tongue. Luckily, there didn’t seem to be any real damage, although she was very subdued for a few minutes. Just long enough to get the lead on easily, I might add.

On our walk, she was twittering away about Ugly Cat saying the rats were responsible for the illegal fracking. She said that Ugly Cat has an agreement with the rats, that they will go far away when I am given this information. She also reported that Ugly Cat is intending to cover my shed roof with rotten fish heads so that he can sit on it in comfort.

I think not.

As a registered military building, no unauthorised entry will be allowed. Not even on the roof. My shed will be protected by all the latest security features, including the most up to date wildlife detection alarm system available. In addition to this, there will be two guard dogs: myself, and dizzy Chicken.

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Possibly needs work

Arky-Ollie-Just came over and issued a harsh assessment on the garden. He said that he had recently been at the site of an ancient settlement which had been abandoned 2000 years ago, and that their garden was in a better state than ours. He also insisted that the holes be filled in, before one of us falls into one and breaks our legs. I told him that I would never be so complacent as to fall into one of the holes, and that only an idiot would do so.

The Fairy fell into one whilst cutting the grass/mud. I will get onto it straight away.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , , ,

98. Being Nice To Ugly Cats – by Chicken

Posted on June 2, 2016 by Mydogslife
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Monty bum bum still in bed

It is all still early wurly and I has already been out in the big garden to do the digging in the found stations. Monty did go back to bed because he is tired bum bum, and The Fairy is having coffee to try to makes her eyes work. Ugly Cats did come onto the shed roof next door and I did go to eats him, and then I did remembering, and did remember that Monty did say I all had to say thank you for the smelly rotten rotty fish head. Silly Monty.

So I did say thank you for the stupid rotty rotten smelly stupid fish head, and Ugly Cats did say that he didn’t thinks I liked it. I did say that I didn’t like the rotty fish head, but that Monty did say I had to say thank you. Ugly Cats then did say that he did think Monty was the most bestest boy dog ever and that I was the bestest girl dog ever and I did tell him that he was right. Then he did say that he was upset when I all didn’t like the fish head so he had got me the betterer present of the little alien man. I dids not all know that he had got me this gooder present, so then I did get happy and did say thank you all properly.

Then I did tell Ugly Cats about my special poo and he did say that he could brings me another one, but that he’ll all have to go far aways to get it, because he all has an agreements with the local rats not to gets them. He then did all say that he had special information for big Monty about the frackering, and I hads to tell Monty to come and talks to him but I did say Monty donty was all still in beds.

Then I did tells him all about the new bigger patty that Monty is all going to build and the bigger shed and Ugly Cats did ask if he could sit on the roof of my new bigger shed when it is all finishered because we is all friends now and I did say get lost. BOOM! BOOM!

Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , ,

96. Wildlife Roundup – by Monty

Posted on May 28, 2016 by Mydogslife

Yesterday I was head-butted by a cat. It was a grey tabby, who I had met once before last August. The first time I saw it, it ran across the road to me and sprawled on the pavement on its back. The Fairy said it was being friendly and probably lives with a dog. Last night, it was sitting in the middle of the pavement and we all assumed that it would move when we came closer. It didn’t. It waited until we were very close, and then ran at me.

I was taken off guard, and it was out of range within a split second. Chicken launched herself at it, but couldn’t get to it because I was in the way. We were both on high alert for the rest of the walk, and did actually see a further four cats. There really are too many cats on my estate if you ask me. Ugly Cat has not been seen for days. I don’t know whether this is a good thing or a bad sign.

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Do we look spoilt to you?

We have taken to walking a lot up the hill, through the woods. At the top of the hill there is a lovely view, and a wide open expanse of heathland. All the way up and down the hill, are baby rabbits. At the moment there appear to be hundreds, but I doubt there will be more than one or two left in a couple of weeks. A few hopped off when they heard us coming, but most of them just sat there, even the ones on the path. Chicken said they were ‘thicky thick thick,’ but I am more inclined to believe that they are just lazy, and have only read the first section of The Freeze, Flight or Fight Manual. This illustrates very clearly, the importance of children completing all their homework. If they only do a little bit of it, there is every possibility that they will get eaten by a crow.

The Fairy has bought us a sheep each. I have never met one which is alive, but if the dead ones are anything to go by, I think I may have found a species of wildlife that I actually like.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: ,

94. Air Sea Rescue – by Monty

Posted on May 25, 2016 by Mydogslife

A few days ago I woke up to find a large spider in my water dish. I was angry about this situation for two reasons. One was that I hadn’t given it permission to use my dish as a swimming pool, and the other was the fact that its attempt at the breastroke was a disgrace. I say, learn the correct swimming techniques with an accredited instructor, or don’t do it at all.

I reported this intruder straight away to The Fairy, who was more concerned with the wellbeing of said spider than with its substandard water skills. I suggested ringing the Coastguard who I know have a rescue helicopter at their disposal, but she said this wasn’t necessary. Instead, she took my dish out to the garden and poured out the water, thus halting the drowning process. Not content with nearly losing its life in the dish, the spider then ran straight at Chicken who stood on it. By some miracle it survived and scurried off into the grass.

On the security front, we had a strange encounter with a cat which appeared to have no tail. It said that Ugly Cat had been in a bad mood for weeks, and that it was our fault. Apparently, Chicken’s failure to thank him for his gifts has left him feeling insulted, and he is taking it out on all the other cats on the estate. No Tail said we should make peace with Ugly Cat unless we wanted to make enemies of all the others. I told No Tail that we were not in any way afraid of the local cat population, but that we would apologise to Ugly Cat in the interest of friendship.

Chicken said she didn’t want to apologise to Ugly Cat for not thanking him for his gift, because he was trying to steal her toys and also, the gift was a rotten fish head which she didn’t like. I told her she had to be more grown up about the situation, and she ran off shouting bum, bum, bum.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags:

93. Sporting Injury – by Monty

Posted on May 21, 2016 by Mydogslife

I have had a rather unfortunate week. I caught my nail whilst out galloping with Chicken in the garden and it bled all over the living room floor. Then I slipped over and scraped my ankle on the pavers during a training session, and took the skin off it. This kept bleeding on and off for a few days so I had to have it bandaged up by Grandma. I have also had some mild stomach problems, but I don’t like to complain.

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Injury No.2

The thing about being ill or injured in my unit, is that you get very well taken care of. Too well, perhaps? I have been cuddled and kissed and fussed over by both of them. In fact, I haven’t had a minute’s peace and if I have to answer the, “Are you alright?” question one more time I think I will explode. They have changed my name to Poorly Monty. How dare they? On top of this, I’m being served dog food! This will continue until my stomach is better apparently. Dog food! Really?

I have received an official complaint about Chicken, from Ugly Cat. He started the conversation by offering his congratulations. I’m not sure which of my accomplishments he was referring to but I accepted anyway. He then said that Chicken had been rude to him, by not thanking him for the gifts which he had left. It turns out that the rotten fish head was his idea of a great present. I have no idea why he would want to give a present to a dog that is always trying to eat him, but each to his own.

I tried to speak to Chicken about it, but for the last few days she has been more distracted than usual. It was impossible to get her attention as she’s constantly singing something to herself and muttering about Arky-Ollie-Just coming home. Also, I don’t want to go too close in case she calls me Poorly Monty again and tries to look after me.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

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