Horses ….
… on a residenture estate.
Chicken
Posts Tagged With: Wildlife
222. Inner Calm – by Monty
I have told Chicken that she needs to relax a little. She is so springy that she is beginning to see things that are not there. I can perhaps accept that a scruffy cat has been seen, but she is now also insisting that she is being followed by horses. I co-ordinate the night time walks from my office so cannot verify these sightings, but I do not believe for one moment that she is being followed on a residential estate by large horses.
I have heard that yoga is good for relaxation so have recommended the practice to Chicken.
Downward-facing dog.
Monty
Categories: Greyhounds, Monty
Tags: Cats, Health, Wildlife
218. Using Your Slow Cooker At Christmas – by Monty
Slow-cooked Chicken
The best setting for my new electric bed is 3. This is the hottest setting. I have been conducting endurance tests on it, to ensure it complies with all Health and Safety regulations. It does. However, my lying on it for nine hours at a time and the fact that Chicken has abandoned the settee in favour of said electric bed, has drawn the attention of The Fairy.
Today she put her hand under my rib cage and realised how hot I was. According to her, my sleeping on it for nine hours is the same as being stewed in a slow cooker. I see no problem but The Fairy immediately turned it down to 1.
I tried to turn it back up again but could not do so with my paws. There is a design fault in the control pad. Fear not people – I have a plan. I will limp badly until she turns it back up.
1. The hedgehog’s visit has had an unexpected positive impact on the Rudolf apology situation. Chicken was very upset when the hedgehog left, so I used this to explain how upset all the children will be if Father Christmas can’t deliver their presents.
2. Although I may have rather pushed the boundaries of honesty, I also told her that the polar bear had apologised for looking at her in a mean way. It didn’t. It’s made of plastic.
Chicken has responded well and I’m pleased to report that this two pronged approach has secured from her a promise to apologise to Rudolf on Christmas Eve, just in time for Christmas to go ahead as usual.
No thanks necessary.
Monty
Categories: Greyhounds, Monty
Tags: Christmas, Father Christmas, Health and Safety, Hedgehogs, Wildlife
217. It’s Not A Hotel I’m Running – by Monty
‘‘Tis the season etc. Usually at this time of year I am full of joy and goodwill to all. However, the word ‘all’ when used in this context does not mean everybody. As a general rule of thumb, it means everybody – except wildlife. Of any description.
Get out!
Yesterday evening we had an unexpected visitor of whom I seriously disapproved. The Fairy seemed to be carrying out some kind of scientific experiment on it, involving weighing scales and MY FOOD! Chicken thought it was an early Christmas present and didn’t respond well to being told that it wasn’t hers. As I was within biting distance, my first thought was that eating it would be the quickest way to get rid of it. This didn’t go down well with Chicken or The Fairy.
Show-off.
Luckily, The Fairy threw it out again after declaring it to be fat, in good health and eating well. I thought that was the end of wildlife in my house but today a rather pompous looking owl turned up. The words gaudy, ostentatious and exhibitionist spring to mind. Apparently, it is staying with us for the whole of the Christmas period. I will not be engaging it in conversation.
Negotiations have recommenced with Chicken about the Rudolf apology. I am determined to reach an agreement by the deadline of Christmas Eve. Father Christmas is pushing for a deal as early as possible, but as I have said many times before: Good things come to those who wait.
Father Christmas doesn’t want to wait.
Monty
Categories: Greyhounds, Monty
Tags: Christmas, Father Christmas, Hedgehogs, Rudolf, Wildlife
212. My Big Report About Breaks It – by Chicken
MY BIG REPORT ABOUT BREAKS IT BY CHICKEN
Breaks It is I did see the mean polar bear. Monty did go out and he did do a big poo and it was standing up on its own and it did have a face and it was smiling and it did all look like a Easter Island Head statue.
I did wants to put a picture of it on here but The Fairy did say I all had to ask Monty first. My report.
The End
Love Chicken xxx
Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds
Tags: Politics, Wildlife, Your Rope
211. Date Of Brexit Brought Forward Without Consultation – by Monty
Chicken and I would like to say that we hope you are all well and that we are glad to be back. Unfortunately, my first news is somewhat alarming.
It appears that Britain has already left Europe without the public being made aware of it. As second in line to form a government, I was both offended and outraged in equal measure, that I had not been consulted. A formal complaint will be submitted shortly.
Although Mrs May is yet to release an official statement, it is quite clear to us that the move has already taken place. I have drawn this conclusion based on the following:
1. We are now obviously much closer to Norway than we were last week.
Norwegian weather brings Britain to a halt
2. Intelligence provided by Chicken.
Intelligent Chicken
I cannot lie. I was rather skeptical when Chicken told me that she had seen reindeer and polar bears on her night time walks, but she was very insistent. Apparently, they have taken up residence all over the estate without my prior approval. As everyone knows, these sorts of animals are usually found much further north, suggesting to those of us intelligent enough to debate these issues, that Britain has indeed already moved.
Chicken wanted me to go out – in the dark I might add – to see the polar bears for myself, but unfortunately I was tied up with the writing of my formal complaint.
I have promised her that I will have a word with a certain polar bear tomorrow, as she was upset that it had looked at her “all mean.”
She is rather excited as I have asked her to write a report about her findings which will be published here tomorrow. I judge her to be at Excitement Level 3 at the moment.
I have retired to my office.
Monty
Categories: Greyhounds, Monty
Tags: Politics, Wildlife, Your Rope
166. We Has Set The Date – by Chicken
I did go for a walks in the dark and Monty didn’t come with me because Monty thinks the big noises come in the dark so he is scaredy bum bum. Ugly Cats did see me and he did look at me all mean so I did shout at him.
Ugly Cats did say that Foxy was all getting on everyone’s nerves by talkering about being on the tellybox and being a national treasure and he isn’t one. Ugly Cats did say all the wildlife did want Monty to get rid of him and I did say that he would. Then Ugly Cats said he’d believe it when he saw it, because Monty doesn’t all do what he says he is going to do.
I did big shouting at him because he is all not allowed to say bad things about my Monty. Ugly Cats did say that Monty said he was going to marry me and then he didn’t marry me so he is right. I did say he was wrong and then I did tell him that he was smelly and then I did go home.
Father Christmas and Rudolf is going to be at my wedding
Me and Monty did together do deciding and we did decide to get marry married on Christmas Eve and then I did have to go and tell Monty because he didn’t know yet.
Monty did say this was an acceptable proposition so I is all excited and I is going shopping with The Fairy to buy a new dress. I is going to invite Father Christmas and Rudolf to be at my wedding.
I is happy and Ugly Cats is smelly.
Chicken xxx
Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds
Tags: Christmas, Father Christmas, Fox, Rudolf, Ugly Cat, Wildlife
160. Hello Weeing And The Witch’s Ugly Cat – by Chicken
WEEEEEEEEEEING! HELLO WEEEEEEEEEEEING!
Hello Weeing was boring silly boring. Foxy did go everywhere and do weeing because he is trying to tell big Monty that he is the boss, but Monty can do better wees.
I did go outs with The Fairy in the night time walk a few days ago and Foxy did see me and did say that it was all his estate but I did say that Monty was in charge because Monty does do The Watch but Foxy did say, “Where is he then?”
So I did say that he was all doing big planning at home and he is very busy doing big planning at home. Foxy did say that he was taking over and I did say he was too little and couldn’t do anything. But then on Hello Weeing night Foxy did weeing everywhere and he is stinky smelly stink bum.
Ugly Cats did follow me and The Fairy, and did say that Monty did have to take charge again or all the cats would take charge but I did say they couldn’t take charge because they is all ugly. Then Ugly Cats did say that I did have to be a pilot to him because he had special magic powers on Hello Weeing night because he is a witch’s cat and he did say that he could all turn me into a frog or make my nose drop off. I did say get lost.
Chicken Frog
Then back at home I did tell Monty that Foxy did weeing everywhere and that Ugly Cats had turned me into a froggy frog but Monty did say I still did look like a beautiful greyhound to him. But then The Fairy did say, “Stand still, Chicken! You’re jumping about like a frog.”
Now I does have to eats Ugly Cats to break the spell.
Chicken
154. We Has Eaten A Sausage Dog – by Chicken
Sausage dogs
It is all not nice that Monty has a poorly foot, but it did mean that The Fairy did make us special foods to make him feel better. We did get sausage dogs to eats and I did like eating the sausage dogs. I has been asking for more sausage dogs again but The Fairy has not made them again because we is all fat, especially Monty. Monty has to not be fat because if he is fat his poorly foot will be more hurty hurt hurt. I did reminding to The Fairy that I did not have a poorly foot and I is not very fat just a bit fat but she did say it wasn’t fair if I did get special foods and Monty didn’t so I is mad.
They does like being eaten
Last night in the night time dark we did go for a walks. I did speak to the fox and I did not speak to the fox because he was too far away. Monty did say we had to warns people with pet rabbits so they could all keeps their rabbits safe and I did say that all the rabbits could live in my garden and I would all look after them and play with them but not eat them.
Monty did say they would all be safer with the fox and he did not want wildlife in my garden anyways, because they would all destroy his race track. Bum.
Chicken xxx
148. Trials And Tribulations – by Monty
After being subjected to seven days of bed rest, I was extremely excited about going out again. So you can imagine my annoyance at being told that it was then too hot to go out. After a further two days, we eventually made it out to the woods.
The pre-approved plan was to walk 20 minutes out, and 20 minutes back. The first stage went well, but the second stage degenerated into aimless wandering and back-tracking, covering a period of approximately 40 minutes. Not only was I subjected to a change of plan, I also had to endure one of the most severe downpours that I have ever experienced.
I do not do changes of plans, and I do not do rain. Which bit of this is difficult to understand?
In addition to these tribulations, I have also learnt from Grey Cat that the fox has been causing some trouble for The Watch. It somehow caught wind of our operations, and has made several attempts at a smear campaign, designed to discredit our integrity.
I am not particularly worried about this, as all our members are of the highest calibre, and would never behave in a manner unbecoming of those under my command.
Monty
Categories: Greyhounds, Monty
Tags: Health, Wildlife
Greyhounds In Charge 