Waiting for the ban to be lifted
There’s a pink hedgehog in my garden. It’s a hedgehog, and it’s pink. I have put in a request for night vision goggles.
Chicken intimated that I was seeing things, but The Fairy was with me and she also saw it. My pink hedgehog.
I am now back in the house but The Fairy has said that I can go out soon because my foot is better and the seven day ban on having fun of any kind is over.
Monty
THE WATCH INEFFECTIVE AS LEADER SUFFERS FROM CABIN FEVER
The foxy fox is still all on the estate and the little animals is all still worried because Monty McDonty is not doing any plans with Ugly Face Cats, because he is not allowed out.
Monty McDonty is sad and annoyed when he doesn’t all go for walks, and he doesn’t all want anyone to know that he is not doing the patrols. He did say it was bad for more arm.
I did say it was bad for his arm as well. BOOM! BOOM!
He is beginnering to mutter to himself and does spend too much time in his office. I did try to keep his more arm up by telling him that I was bestest at catching foxes anyways, so I could all do the job, but this just made him worse.
I does think that he is suffering from cabin fever, but he did say he was not hotty hot, and that he didn’t all live in a cabin. Then he did go to talks to the tomatoes.
By Stand-Still-Chicken
Public Relations Officer
The Neighbours Hooded Wildlife Animal Fox Watch
The first meeting of The Watch was well attended. I believe Ugly Cat must have informed everyone of the time and venue, as I know that I didn’t say a word. We had the meeting at dusk so that the nocturnal animals could partake.
A mole in the pit
It appears that many of them are afraid that the fox may eat them, and feel that it requires removal from the area. Those present included pigeons, magpies, garden birds, bats, frogs, spiders, a mole which surfaced in my digging pit and – against my advice – the hedgehog.
Chicken displayed a level of wisdom I had not expected, by suggesting that the birds sleep high up out of its reach, and the rest of them hide. The spiders were deemed not to be in too much danger, but chose to stay anyway, out of civic duty.
The hedgehog seems to be the most at risk, so I suggested he employ his arsenal of spikes to protect himself. He then said that I was useless, which prompted a rather severe reaction from Chicken. He was only saved by the quick thinking of The Fairy, who disrupted the meeting, saying it was too late to have friends round to play.
Ugly Cat insisted that the fox needed relocating, to allow the “present system of management to remain in place.” I’ll admit to being a little suspicious of this comment. My military training tells me there is more to the situation than is being discussed openly, a sentiment which I shared with Chicken.
She is now on the Internet, researching conspiracy theories.
Monty
SECRET ORGAN EYE STATION ORGAN EYED IN SECRET
Monty McDonty and Ugly Face Cats has all made a secret organ eye station called The Neighbours Hooded Wildlife Animal Watch. They did do it all in a secret at my house in secret. I is the most importance because I does have to deal with all the peoples and all the wildlife and all the press.
We is going to do plans tonights in the night time and the fox does have to look out and then Monty did not share the roll sausage in a bag. Bum.
It is all secret so nobody is allowed to know what is happening tonight when the wildlife with the hoods is coming to my house to do plans. The end.
By Stand-Still-Chicken
Public Relations Officer
The Hooded Neighbours Wildlife Fox Animal Watch Hood
Chicken has insisted that we perform a closing ceremony for our Independent Olympic Games, so I have spent some time choreographing a routine which we are now rehearsing on a daily basis. There is still a second Games to come, but my suggestion that we continue with our games has met with opposition, due to the fact that Chicken thinks she has won and doesn’t want to risk me catching up with regards medals awarded. The Fairy has also implied that she would like us to perform the ceremony as quickly as possible, to avoid further damage to my garden.
I have spent quite a lot of time in my office recently, which is located under the dining table. I’m in the process of planning some secret operational manouvers, which are in part a result of a meeting which I had with Ugly Cat.
The Watch
Ugly Cat informed me that a fox has been sighted on the estate late at night, and that the local wildlife are extremely concerned about this. After giving the situation some thought, I suggested forming a Wildlife Neighbourhood Watch. Ugly Cat volunteered to lead the Wildlife Watch, but I recommended installing a more experienced officer to the post, citing my own credentials. This was only agreed upon, after Ugly Cat was appointed as Second In Command.
Chicken’s first suggestion that she eat all vulnerable wildlife to sabotage the fox’s plans was rejected on the grounds that it was rather at odds with the aims of The Wildlife Watch. She then demanded she be given the position of Public Relations Officer, which was reluctantly agreed upon, based on an understanding that she submit all her written statements for approval before releasing them to the press.
Chicken agreed to these terms, though did utter the word bum under her breath.
Monty
As you know, The Fairy and I have very different views regarding wildlife in the garden. I particularly disagree with the encouraging of wildlife by providing food policy which The Fairy insists on implementing. In all cases except the dried mealworms, either Chicken or I remove any such food as quickly and efficiently as possible.
Last night, Chicken beat me to the hedgehog’s peanut butter, after I specifically told her to leave it to me.
As John Lennon once said:
Instant Karma’s gonna get you.
Gonna knock you right on the roof of your mouth.
Monty
Wet tea-towel competition
In the last few big days it has been hotty botty hot hot. We did sit near Monty’s fans and do the drinking a lot. Then The Fairy was bored so decidered to dress us up, but she did forget to dry the clothes first so they was all wet and cold. Monty did say he was all happy to wear posh costume-made coats, but wasn’t going to put up with being made to wear a tatty old wet tea-towel. Then he did go into his den under the big table and take it offs, so I did take mine offs as well.
Very early I did see Ugly Cats on the fence so I did go to tells him off. He did say that he had been out all night and it was still too warm for him. Then he did say that he needed to speak to big Monty about a scary key. I did say that Monty wouldn’t all speak to anyone who had been out on the tiles all night, and that he was in his den anyways.
Ugly Cats did say he had not been out having fun on the tiles, but that he had been out doing scary key work. I did tell him he was not allowed to talk to my Monty about scary things because then Monty does get scared.
I don’t care if it’s good for me; I’m not wearing THAT
Then big Arky did comes out and stupid Ugly Cats did turn all fluffy and soft and stupid cutie-pie with his face. Arky did tickle him behind his ears and Ugly Cats did make stupid purry noises. I did tell Arky that I did need my ears rubbing but he didn’t hear me, so I did go to tell Monty.
Monty did say he would ask The Fairy when he got up, but he did have a sneaky suspicion that Arky was a cat person.
Then I did think abouts this and then I dids look at Arky and then I dids think he does have a lots of hair and then I dids think he might turn into cats! So I did use the iPaddy and did finds out that some people are half people and half wolf and then I dids go to gets into Monty’s den.
Chicken xxx
On the tellybox in the week ago, we did see the big race at the Limpets. Everybody did miss the bus so they all did have to run 26 miles to get to the finish line. Monty did say this was supposed to happen, and it was called the marathon. Then he did all gibber on about the history of the race and he did talking about a place and a battle and I did go to look for hedgehogs in the garden.
Starting the marathon
Then The Fairy did decide to do a marathon but not the running bit, because she is not as fitty fit fit as me and Monty. Arky did come with his camera and when we got there we did have to stop to look at nothing for ages. I was bored. Then we did see big ugly fluffy things with skinny greyhound legs who was all staring at us meanly, but me and Monty did ignoring because they wasn’t proper greyhounds. Monty did say they were sheep and I did say they were smelly.
What view?
We did walkering for big ages and we did all start to slow down. There was loads of too much wind near the end so we did want to get back in the safety car. When we did get home we had yummy yummy food because it was biggerer dinner day, and then me and Monty did fall asleep and do big sleeping because we had all done the Limpets marathon.
Then after this later I did want to go for another walks because I is higher active and The Fairy did say I was like a rechargeable batteries, but I did say I just wanted to go for another walks. Monty was all tired so he did pretending to be asleep so I did help him wake up by kicking him. Then he did get up and come with us.
Chicken xxx
I appear to have missed my chance of being Prime Minister. I was in the process of completing my application form, when Pete Who Can Build Anything turned up to do the patio, forcing me to postpone submitting my application in favour of supervising the build. When I looked up, the job had been taken.
If all goes according to plan, Mrs Theresa May will take over tomorrow, as long as nobody launches a revolution overnight. David Cameron is packing up his house, but is not allowed to take his favourite cabinet with him. Apparently, he is quite upset about this, so has spent the morning talking to it. I say let the man have his cabinet as a leaving present.
Sausage dinner every day
My only other option now is to accept the job of Leader of the Opposition, and win the next election on a platform of greyhound voting rights and a no wildlife except greyhounds policy. Chicken has suggested a sausage dinner every day for greyhounds policy, which I am seriously considering.
My political credentials are as good as anybody’s, and I’m sure I could rely on the support of Bob at the Council. If I add police officers to my sausage dinner every day for … policy, Dave from the Station would certainly support me as well. It’s all looking very promising.
I have a meeting with Ugly Cat this afternoon, to discuss his involvement with illegal fracking. He has stated that he has solved the mystery, so I am very interested in what he has to say.
Monty
The English England footy ball team has been allowed to leave Your Rope. The other Iceland team did have to stay to do more silly footy ball, so I do think they is maybe all upset. Serves them right for not being good at giving the footy ball away.
My lovely Monty has all bought me another other present. He has bought me a pet bunny and I did go to keeper it warm in my mouth, but it was all sharpy hard and not fluffety at all and it is a small bit boring because it just sits in the same place all the long time. Monty said I all couldn’t eat it because it was a guest and I did say that I was just keepering it warm.
Then we did go for a walk up Bunny Hill and we did see tenty threety seven two bunnies all running around and Monty and me did want to chase them. We did have great fun jumping about but The Fairy forgot to all let go of the leads so we didn’t get to do too much fun.
Addering value to his house
My pet bunny has made his hutch pretty pretty with flowers, and Monty has been a gooder gardener and has watered them.
He is so cleverer at helping.
Chicken xxx
Greyhounds In Charge 