Greyhounds

243. All Hail The Hedgehog – by Monty

Posted on July 23, 2019 by Mydogslife

 

My views on wildlife are well known. There is a time and a place, but that time is never and the place is not my garden. I am at odds here with The Fairy, who actively encourages it.

It will come as a surprise then, to hear me praising the hedgehog. There are quite a few who invade my territory on a nightly basis, bringing fleas and …… other things. Last night I was out late and had occasion to strike up a conversation with one such visitor. We passed the time of day and in keeping with tradition, discussed the weather.

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Cleverly nocturnal 

It turns out that hedgehogs have an excellent technique for dealing with the heat of summer. They are nocturnal. Simple yet effective. I have been reliably informed that the only reasons hedgehogs come out in the day is if they are hungry, thirsty or ill. If you see one out in the daytime over the next few days, it will probably be thirsty and very appreciative of a bowl of fresh water.

I informed The Fairy who has placed additional bowls of fresh water around the garden. I also informed Chicken that for the next week at least, we are going to adopt the most excellent hedgehog strategy of sleeping during the boiling hot day and waking during the night.

Yes people – we are going nocturnal. All hail the hedgehog.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

242. Fake News Training Triumph – by Monty

Posted on July 22, 2019 by Mydogslife

Teaching is a strength of mine. Yesterday morning I delivered some high quality training to Chicken about Fake News. As you can glean from Chicken’s post, I successfully taught her how to produce Fake News. The news she presented, was FAKE. Fake News. I’m sure that you will all join me in congratulating her on passing the course and writing an article which is of an acceptable standard, and FAKE. We will now move on and never mention it again.

THE IMPORTANCE OF THE RIGHT KIND OF BED

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Being cool whilst staying cool

As you may remember, I have an electric bed which keeps me warm during winter. There is some dispute about the heat setting that should be used, though I think The Fairy has accepted that her choice of Level 2 is inappropriate, and Level 3 is now the ‘go to’ setting.

Summer is here so I have now taken delivery of a new bed. It is a cool bed full of cool gel and is of the correct proportions for an extra large greyhound. There are many different kinds on the market but mine is a Pecute one and works exceptionally well. As The Fairy says, it is of the upmost importance to keep dogs cool in extreme temperatures.

Other animals are available as pets, but dogs are the best.

Stay cool people.

Monty The Great

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: ,

241. Monty’s Private Bits – by Chicken

Posted on July 21, 2019 by Mydogslife

 

Monty had a tick on his willy.

The Fairy did take if off because she does know how to all take them off dogs and children and Monty did behave like a baby.

The Fairy did say: How did I get to a point in life where I is taking ticks off Monty’s willy? She did then run outside and throw it over the fence into Next Door’s garden. They was out shopping.

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So close, yet …….

The Fairy did do lots of complaining about it and then Grandad did come and force her to cut the grass because he did say two foot is two foot too long for a lawn. I did say that I did always know that two feets is rubbish but four feets is best. Then I dids have to do loads of big work tidying up the garden and I does blame Monty and his stupid tick.

Arky Parky did do visiting and I did try to steal his beer and he did say NO NO NO and I did say BUM BUM BUM.

So I win.

Tick.

Chicken xxx

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , ,

240. I Can Remain Quiet No Longer – by Monty

Posted on July 20, 2019 by Mydogslife

 

Government. Party leaders. Brexit. International relations. Diplomats. Foreign embassies. Salad.

Can life get any more turbulent?

I have been watching and waiting, but have thus far not received any official communication requesting my assistance with any of these pressing issues. I stand, as always, ready to spring into action should the call come.

What is required in these delicate situations, is delicacy. One must never underestimate the power of respect. Show respect to your fellow man and he will show respect to you. Remain discreet in order to gain his trust. Show restraint at all times. Associate only with those who share your good character and avoid those who revel in sensationalism.

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Back – with our usual energy 

For my part, I have a very small inner circle whom I trust implicitly. I would not make the mistake of sharing my private life with anybody who was likely to blab all to the press. That would be very remiss of me indeed. For example, yesterday I had to endure a rather unfortunate event involving a small animal of the insect variety. It was dealt with to my satisfaction in a very professional manner, and will forevermore remain private.

Now, I must go and find Chicken.

Monty The Great

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: ,

239. Do Chicken And Fish Go Together? – by Monty

Posted on March 23, 2019 by Mydogslife

Today I led an outdoor excursion to the lake. My intention was simply to verify its continued existence and then to get straight back in the car for safety. I had no desire to walk all the way around it. I had no desire to walk a hundred yards. A noise could have occurred at any moment.

Recognising my decision, The Fairy decided to let Chicken off the lead to run up and down so she could get some exercise. Chicken has separation anxiety so always comes back. Like a boomerang. Separation anxiety she may have; brains she does not.

Chicken ran around a bit and then launched herself straight into the lake. She flew about five yards, overshot the shallows and sank like a stone. The Fairy was about to go in after her, when Chicken resurfaced and actually managed to swim ashore. She thought it was hilarious. I thought it was the most reckless thing she has done so far.  Which I told her. Repeatedly.

On the plus side, we had to go back home straight away because Chicken was cold.

Chicken and fish do NOT go together.

Monty The Great

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238. Brexit Meeting Results In A Big Step Forward – by Monty

Posted on March 16, 2019 by Mydogslife
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Demand for sandwiches will increase dramatically when we leave Europe

Having scheduled my private Brexit meeting for 7pm last night, I quite rightly ordered refreshments from The Fairy. She agreed to provide food and drink as long as I paid her in advance, which I did.

As 7pm approached I was alerted to the fact that having accepted the contract to provide said refreshments, The Fairy did not, in fact, have any food available. She said she could provide sandwiches and sausage rolls the following day but I decided to recoup my money instead. Needless to say, I was furious.

Some might say it was my own fault for not thoroughly checking her capacity to fulfill the contract, but I would counter by asking: WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD AGREE TO PROVIDE SOMETHING THEY KNEW THEY DIDN’T HAVE? She had no food. I say again people – NO FOOD.

Of my money, there is no trace. On top of that, Chicken was very angry that she had not been given a chance to bid for the refreshments contract and has filed a claim for compensation, citing lost potential earnings.

Despite these distractions, I got my meeting underway on time. I managed to push through a motion to schedule further meetings, which I’m sure you will agree is a big step forward.  Chicken said this decision is non-binding as it was not subject to any consultation process. For goodness’ sake!

Next she’ll be saying that Leave doesn’t actually mean Leave. It’s a good job she’s not in charge of the Brexit negotiations.

Monty The Great

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

237. Brexit: Not As Easy As It Looks – by Monty

Posted on March 13, 2019 by Mydogslife
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Is it time for me to take control?

I have decided to take charge of the Brexit negotiations myself. I think it prudent, given the circumstances. As a starting point, I called a meeting.

Chicken immediately declared herself in charge of calling the meeting, and registered an objection on the grounds that it would be boring. I called for a vote.

For: 1    Against: 1

I then said that Big Ted should be allowed a vote and the ballot was recast.

For: 2   Against: 2

Crinkle Octopus.

I then decided to throw the vote open to the public and sent out ballot cards to everyone of any importance. Ugly Cat, Grey Cat, Lion Cat, Floor Cat, Window Cat, Cow Cat, Old Cat and Tiger Cat With A Collar. Hedgehog, Mouse, Fox, Pigeon 1, Pigeon 2, Magpie, Robin, Frog and Mia the Doberman who lives down the road and fancies me. Chicken said Pug had to be included as well because he fancies her.

Having sent out ballot papers to all involved, I received the following replies:

Hedgehog was highly offended that his fleas had been ignored and is refusing to vote until each and every one of them has received a ballot paper.

Mouse, Pigeon 1, Pigeon 2, Magpie and Robin objected to the inclusion of Fox and all the cats, citing the possibility of them being eaten as soon as they turned up to vote.

Mia and Pug said they would be happy to vote if we would also invite them around for a romantic meal.

Ugly Cat said that all the cats would be happy to vote as long as he be able to cast two votes. WHAT?

To overcome these problems, I declared the vote to be of the postal variety. I delegated the job of counting to Chicken.

For: 1    Against: 17,384.

As not having a meeting to discuss my plans is a terrible plan, I have decided to go ahead and have the meeting anyway, despite the rather dubious results of the vote. It’s in the best interest of the country.

Chicken has given her permission for the meeting to go ahead, as long as it doesn’t interfere with her watching Shakespeare & Hathaway – Private Investigators.

Priorities people. PRIORITIES

Monty The Great

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236.Monty’s Red Face – by Chicken

Posted on January 20, 2019 by Mydogslife
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My upset Monty 

Monty did get smacked in the face by a black cat. The cat was rude. We did all not know the new cat and it did come running up to us to say friendly hello and then it did just smack my lovely Monty in the face for no reason. Monty did pretending that he was not all upset and he was upset I does know.

I did go out to look for Foxy because Foxy lives in the field and I did want to ask him about the smelly ferret but I did not find Foxy. I has seen Ugly Cats and he does still look scruffy bum and he is still stupid smelly, but now he does not go outs in the dark dark anymore and I does not know why. I also does not care.

Monty has all been watching the news on the tellybox all the times because he does say the Brexit government is very quite important. I has decided not to watch any Brexit tellybox things because it does BORE MY HEAD OFF.

I is now going to look after Monty’s red face now.

Chicken

Categories: Chicken, Greyhounds | Tags: , , , ,

235. A Ferret In A Field – by Chicken

Posted on December 30, 2018 by Mydogslife

Ugly Cats has been living with a ferret.

I did say to Monty that ferrets smell and Ugly Cats smells and he should all go back to his smelly ferret. Monty donty did say I had to be kind to him because he had all been out in the field and I did say bum.

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Smelly ferret

At this Christmas I did sleep in the comfy big bed and eats nice foody food and gets lovely presents so I is happy. Ugly Cats is even more ugly than he used to be and now he has big scratches on him and scruffy fuzz hair. I did say it was his own fault for being next to a ferret in a field and Monty did say again that I did have to be kind, so I did tell Monty to go and live with the smelly ferret if he does love him so much.

Crinkle and me together is all thinking of a plan to get rids of the smelly ferret and Ugly Cats. They is smelly and ugly. BOOM! BOOM!

Chicken xxx

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234. The Wanderer Returns – by Monty

Posted on December 29, 2018 by Mydogslife

Crinkle Octopus and myself have had enough. I have had enough of the noise and Crinkle has had enough of the biting. Chicken, on the other hand, cannot get enough of either. I called a meeting today to discuss the return of Ugly Cat but Chicken refused to attend unless Crinkle be allowed to sit in. I’m not convinced that she was giving me her full attention.

 

Ugly Cat disappeared a while ago and resurfaced months later looking rather worse for wear. He spoke to me in confidence, saying he had been on a secret fact-finding mission to Brussels; his remit being to gather information about what is happening with Brexit. Apparently, he came away a pauper and had to make his own way back home, travelling by night and hunting for his food. This explains his dishevelled appearance and drastic weight loss.

He suggested that he and I form a top secret organisation with the purpose of gathering our own information about what is going on in political circles here. I told him that I would seriously consider it, but that I felt it to be a tall order. If he couldn’t find out what was going on from Brussels, how was he expecting to find out from Downing Street? I’m not even sure that any information exists.

For the time being, I have decided not to tell Chicken about Ugly Cat’s secret mission. She will find it hard enough dealing with the return of Ugly Cat, without adding the additional trauma of Brexit.

At the meeting, I told her that Ugly Cat had been living feral for a long time, but was learning once more to live in a house. I hoped this would result in her showing a little more kindness towards him than she has in the past.

Monty

Categories: Greyhounds, Monty | Tags: , ,

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